the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

and the winners are…. February 15, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:25 pm

I am pleased to announce the winners of the Thought Bubble Caption Contest here at the108. There were a ton of great submissions and it was a very difficult thing for the three judges, Myself, Dean-o and Dave-the-Shrink. Some were unanimous, some were not and then there was one person who is winning a special honorary award just because I was thoroughly cracked up over the entire fucking comment left.

What I’ll do here is post the photos and then underneath them I’ll list all the thoughts left and who thought I thunk em’. Then, below the lists under each picture highlighted and all kinds of bold, will be the winner for that photo.

Without further adieu….

Photo One:

“Hmm… what do I want to do today?” – Bittersweet Confusion

“I wonder what it would take to attract Bill Clinton?” –Hyperion#1

“I wonder why more trees don’t talk?” –Hyperion#2

“Hmm…I WILL get Dean to fuck me in the ass–even if it means I have to drug him to do it!” – Metal Mom

“What can I put in my pussy?” -IRV

(Channeling Lorena Bobbitt) “Oh yes, I will definitely feel better in the morning.” –NEO the ONE

“What’s that noise in the basement? I hope that Jehovah’s Witness didn’t get loose.” –Mr. Fabulous

“Moon… Moon… Moonlighting? Moonstruck?” –Miss Britt

and the winner for photo #1 is….

“If anybody notices that I just farted, I’ll yell “He who smelt it dealt it” and run away.” –Avitable

***Avitable wins because it was far too believable to both Dean and my shrink, Dave that this was probably what I was thinking. Accuracy counts…LOL.

Photo Two:

“109 has the biggest Thingee I ever seen!!” –Bittersweet Confusion

“Maybe if I opened my mouth wide like this…” —Hyperion#1

“The donkey looks like he’s enjoying it!” –Hyperion#2

“WHAT DO MEAN YOU’VE BEEN DOING FAB’S ASS ALL THIS TIME!???” –Metal Mom

“It seems to be going in alright.” -IRV

“My ass hurts. Did I leave a Lego in there?” –Mr. Fabulous

“Well, fuck me sideways and call me Shirley.” –Avitable

“Animal House AGAIN?!? What the HELL?!” –Miss Britt

And the winner for photo#2 is….

“Thy weedy motley-minded wagtail hath a fat-kidneyed idiot, and I do believe, induced by current circumstances, that thou art a villain, you phallus.” –NEO the ONE

**Hyperion almost had this one, too. I simply could not ignore the word phallus…LOL.

Photo Three:

“I’m in LOVE!!!” –Bittersweet Confusion

“Owww!!!! Bill Clinton gave me lockjaw!” —Hyperion#1

“I guess I AM really going to pay a lot for this muffler!” –Hyperion#2

“OOOH! You’re GAY! No wonder!” –Metal Mom

“Oh sweet mystery of life at last I found thee” -IRV

“Oh! What would your wife say?” –NEO the ONE

“Oh, I love Avitable. He’s sooo dreamy!” –Avitable

“In my butt?? What?? I never!” –Miss Britt

And winner number three is….

“Oh my God, another one of the kids fell into that woodchipper!” –Mr. Fabulous

**One word, Fabby: Another. Had you not written another kid it may not have been as funny 🙂

Now, this sexy lady is getting a special shoutout but she didn’t win because all of her comments combined are the reason I fell over laughing and she would have won….. everything. However, I need to mention it because I found this hilarious…LOL:

Miss Carol Anne is too fuckin’ funny….

1. “What is this shit.”
2. “What is this shit?”
3. “What is this shit!!”

I shall be needing the mailing addresses of Neo, Avitable and Mr. Fabulous which can be emailed privately to me at kyramuchmore@yahoo.com. Expect some pretty fun-tastic prizes coming your way next week!

And I don’t like to send people away without winning something and so here’s a little treat for everyone who participated:

All of you crazy bitches and whores will be getting a free graphic of your choosing from none other than the very posh Project15 Graphics. This could be a new blog header or any sort of crazy image or graphic you’d like to have custom made to your liking. Head on over and check out the goods and then you can go right on ahead and email me any request you may have since Project15 is owned and operated by…. me. Think it’s a sucky consolation prize? Please! I am one talented Mo-Fo!

Once everyone has received their prizes I shall either disclose what they recieved or you can check out their blogs and see if they reveal it there. It’ll be some good shit!

Until next time…..

Peace!

 

love fest February 14, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:47 pm

Got this over at Turnbaby’s although I’m sort of breaking the rules on it a little bit.

It’s Valentine’s Day and Dean will probably ignore it and so I have to get my love from somewhere’s. So, my blog shall turn into a total love fest!

I need to know why I am loved. You need to know why you are loved. Let’s have sex right here in my blog!

Leave me a comment telling me what it is about me that you love and I shall leave a comment right back telling YOU what I love about…. YOU!

And this is serious, too so no funny shit like, “I love you because you didn’t give me the clap last summer when we had nasty sex.” It’s fucking Valentine’s Day! Can we be serious for two seconds around here?!!!

So, let’s love each other and then afterwards we will all mutually masturbate while thinking about how great we are. Feeding egos… a classic way to celebrate this annual holiday.

XOXO

 

the philosophy of kyra

Filed under: pulitzer worthy — the108 @ 12:11 pm
You know, I like to think of myself as a very philosophical person. I often times find myself pondering deep, spiritual subjects and meditating upon many mysteries of the world.

In fact, just this very morning as I was lying in my bed enjoying the silence around me, I suddenly began thinking about God and all of his power and why he chose to do things the way he did. Specifically, why he chose to place our nipples on our chests instead of putting them on our butts:

Now, I don’t even assume to think for even a second that I should know better than God where the best location for nipples are. It was just something that I began thinking about. I suppose if I were to give it further thought then I would assume that he placed them on women’s breasts so that we could feed our infants with ease. After all, I’m not sure how it would work if a woman’s nipples were on her ass being that she would then be forced to sit on the face of her baby in order to feed it.

No one wants their face sat on while they are eating. Personally, I haven’t much issue with sucking on a butt, but this is the choice I make as a grown adult. Is it fair to take such a choice away from a young child?

I think not.

All children under the age of five should be given the choice when deciding if they’d like to smell an ass while they are eating. I assume that a woman could sort of squat over the baby but this would be very uncomfortable on the knees after a few minutes and as anyone who has ever breastfed a baby knows, that shit takes forever. It is this realization that makes me think God was spot on with his choice of nipple placement on women.

But what about men?

Personally, I’m not all too sure why men even have nipples to begin with. They serve no real purpose. For a baby, it’s the ultimate tease sort of the way it would be for a college kid wandering up to the keg only to discover that there ain’t shit in there. I see man-nipples as a frustration for infants who wish very much to suckle them only without the desired outcome.

Man nipples should have been placed on the butt to prevent babies from wanting to suck on them. In this aspect, I think God screwed things up a bit. Granted, I suppose he could have done far worse and stuck them on someone’s eyelids which I would find to be a real inconvenience. But, I don’t think he should have given men nipples to begin with. It’s cruel to tease hungry infants with empty boobies.

If you ask me, God just likes to fuck with little babies.

 

Naughty Nurse Kyra February 13, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:47 pm

So, everyone I know is sick with the flu or scurvy or the consumption or some other disgusting shit that I have no intention of catching. Except for the scurvy, which I desire to come down with so that I might be one step closer to achieving my dream of becoming a Pirate Queen. But, the rest of that shit needs to stay the fuck away from me because I simply cannot handle being sick.

This remains a challenge in this household where diseases and other funky shit continuously circulate. I have oft wondered if I might have the AIDS on account of the fact that I have no immune system but the doctor’s continue to tell me that this isn’t the case. Instead, I am left to assume that years of drug use must have just fried my system and that some day when I am completely sobered up, things will start looking better for my health.

I wish to make note that I, as Nurse Kyra, have been extremely generous in my consistent offerings to fellow bloggers who are feeling under the weather and I have offered my services to help the ailing all week and with no takers. It would seem that no one would like my assistance, however, I will continue to offer it up just because I so love referring to myself as Nurse Kyra.

At some point someone is going to allow me to take their temperature. Rectally, goddamn it.

I am extremely qualified to hold a position in the medical field. I’m intelligent, have unlimited experience injecting drugs, know just about everything there is to know about the human body and also….I’m very gentle.

Unless, of course, if asked otherwise.

I am also not squeamish when it comes to having to do rectal exams or close inspections of penises and vaginas. In fact, I’m fairly certain that I could handle just about anything so long as it does not involve blood or vomit or pee or poop or snot or any other sort of discharge.

Actually, I think I just want an opportunity to fondle healthy people.

Granted, I could make soup or give your aching body a rub down or administer medications but I’m not changing any adult diapers and if it smells mentholated, I’m not touching it without a few hits of ecstasy. I’m also okay with sticking things up your butt so long as it’s not really for any kind of medical reason because that seems like it would ultimately involve some sort of poop.

Here’s what sucks: The only actual people who are sick and in my presence are very un-sexy. Because they are all children. And leaking snot and gross shit like that. When kids get sick they have a tendency to leak everywhere. They leak out of their noses and out of their asses and even their nasty, little ears. They piss on things and drool everywhere and vomit on stuff and it’s just the grossest thing ever.

Not only is it disgusting, but it’s also rude. Today, I have been pissed on, shit on and vomited all over. There is a toilet about five feet away but I think the children enjoy an audience when they perform random acts of illness as they assume it shall garner them a little sympathy if I have to participate. They are wrong.

I like sick kids when they have ridiculously high fevers and are passed out in a stupor off cold medication so that I may draw tiny mustaches on them. I like them when they feel so awful that they curl up in your lap and snuggle you. I like them up until they sneeze and that humongous snot rocket comes flying out of their faces and hangs right there well below their chins at which point they scream and demand you do something about it. I like them when they are too tired to run around and create havoc. I don’t like it when they have to make the decision to either shit on the toilet or vomit on the toilet and then, as they stand there trying to decide, they both shit and vomit on the floor.

That sucks.

Yet, I so love to nurture people, to help them feel better. It is this sort of empathy for human beings that causes me to want to check for testicular hernias or confirm an awkward lump in a breast. It’s why I am always careful to check tonsils even when the only thing I have to do this with is my own tongue. It is why I often perform a colonoscopy in the same way.

I am but a simple, servant of man. Or woman. Or both at the same time.

Come let Nurse Kyra cure what ails ya.

 

What was I thinking??? February 12, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:20 pm

We are going to play a game here at the108 and it is a game for everyone to participate in who chooses to do so. There will be three winners…

and there are prizes.

There are a lot of caption contests in Bloggerland but I’m going to do a different spin on it. I shall post three photos below complete with thought bubbles and the game is to fill in my thought for each face.

Are we ready? Let’s do this shit!

Photo One:

Photo Two:

Photo Three:

This contest will be judged by Dean-o, myself and my shrink, Dave because these are the best equipped to know exactly what the hell I am thinking.

Leave your answers in the comments and see if you can get others to come and play! I’ll announce the winners on Friday so all submissions must be in before that.

Have fun!

 

important life changes

Filed under: what the fuck am I talking about? — the108 @ 3:08 pm

I suppose I’m in a rather good mood today so I decided to display a picture of me with my cheery face on. Yep…. there I am bein’ cheerful.

In a sudden and entirely unexpected moment of clarity today, I have decided that since life hasn’t worked out quite the way I have hoped it would that I shall change my favorite season from Autumn to Spring.

Once I made this self declaration earlier, it suddenly dawned on me that there are all kinds of favorites I could change if I so choose to. After all, I have loved all of the same boring shit for years and maybe it is time for a change.

Change is good.

So. My current favorite color is green but maybe I’ll change it to, say, purple. But since I am very specific I should mention that my favorite color was actually sage green and now that it shall be purple it can only be a sort of eggplant shade of purple. It’s that or nothing at all. Saying goodbye to green is going to be sad. I really do love that color but it is time for a bit of adventure and so it shall be that my new favorite color is Eggplant Purple.

To be super-specific I should mention that it is a Japanese Eggplant.

Let’s see what else I can switch up.

My current favorite book is The Idiot. Such an amazing story and wonderful message but for the sake of change I shall now make my favorite book the autobiography of Rudolf Hoess:The Commandant Of Aushwitz. This is because I am obsessed with World War II European Holocaust shit and, in fact, I was IN Auschwitz.

Before you think I’m crazy, I learned that I was in Auschwitz from my shrink. After spending much time talking to me he discovered this based on a few things I said:

1. I was obsessed with Anne Frank when I was a kid.

2. I have read and own just about every book ever written about the Holocaust, Auschwitz in particular.

3. I lived in Germany for three years and had mental breakdowns over the German language. Anyone over the age of 70 that I saw while living there I threatened to kill. It was really weird.

4. I am obsessed with Russians and Russian literature and Russian names even to the degree that I attempted to name my children Dmitri and Nicolayevic and shit. Dean wouldn’t let me.

5. The Idiot just happens to be based in Russia and written about Russians by a Russian. Odd. I have just realized this.

There was a lot more but my shrink seems to think that I am the reincarnation of a Romani Gypsy woman who was incarcerated in Auschwitz where Dr. Mengele performed horrible experiments on my uterus that after liberation probably is what eventually killed me.

I think it all makes sense and have adopted this and not to belittle or make fun of actual survivors. He made a lot of sense to me and I believe this to be factual. So. There you have it.

But back to the favorites because I think we just visited a very strange part of my psyche and most of you are probably feeling a bit squeamish right about now.

We have established that my favorite color and favorite book have been replaced with alternatives. Next, perhaps we’ll touch on my favorite song which was No Surprises by Radiohead and now we’ll say it’s, oh… I dunno…. maybe Fuck-a-Lot by friggin’ Dean-o. After all… it’s the most glorious love song of all time.

I’m bored with this. I was going to completely renovate my favorite movies and artists and brand of shoe, personal mayonaisse preference and preferred method of wiping but I’ve lost interest by now.

Fuck.

But at least I revealed a semi-psychotic side of myself to all of you that I am still heavily leaning towards deleting before I post this.

Eh. Whatever. Baby steps.

 

what is this weirdness February 11, 2008

Filed under: Weirdness — the108 @ 4:30 pm

I wish to start this post by informing everyone that I am a complete asshole. My good friend and imaginary sex partner, Mr. Fabulous was so very gracious and out of his fuckin’ mind to have me on his Blog Talk Radio show as a very special guest today. And you know what I did? I flaked out entirely because I am a retard and completely did not pimp out his show.

I am a very, very bad girl. And I will continue to be a bad girl until I get many spankings.

Mr. Fab, I had such a lovely time on your radio show discussing the finer points of gargling the nutsack and which part of a woman’s body is best ejaculated on, sharing in your dream of piercing your scrotum, queefing, you fucking my husband in the ass, and politics… and I am so terribly sorry that I forgot to pimp. It is often times hard for me to pimp when I have grown so accustomed to being the whore.

Do you think you will find it in your heart to forgive me?

I hope so…. for everyone else, please go visit and have a listen in the archives. And do it on an empty stomach.

On a nonrelated topic, do you guys remember when I told you I bought new furniture and it was all entirely made out of futons? I chose futons because it gives me a much more enjoyable place to have sex on than a regular old couch or the floor or the coffee table or the barstools or the bookshelves or the hearth in front of the fireplace or the shoe rack. Indeed, our futon furniture has arrived and since it has this is where you can find me:

Oh, yes. This is my spot. It is where I sit on my ass on the internets and where I snuggle my children and watch television. Oh, and it is also where I’ll get worked over by Dean from time to time but just so you know… all of the covers come off in a jiffy so they can be washed.

My issue is that I have an end table on the other side of the couch where the other chair meets up but no end table on this side. So, I keep perching drinks and shit on the arms of this bad boy which are made of wood and I’m paranoid because I don’t want to fuck up the wood.

Now, I’ve never had furniture that I gave a shit about and so I realized something this evening that is bothersome and skeery for me:

I do not own coasters.

There are no coasters in this house because we are very low class and typically just put our drinks wherever. Except for me, who usually just shoves my beverage in my cleavage with a long straw so that I don’t actually have to lift anything. But with the way these extraordinary pieces of furniture are made, it is a bit harder for me to drink out of my tits than it was before and so I am left having to utilize a flat surface for such things. And the obvious choice is the arm of my chair.

Without coasters, I was forced to improvise with whatever I had handy. Yesterday, I used napkins but today I couldn’t locate anything. In the end, I used this:

Yes. That is a piece of stale bread I found in my kitchen. I admit that I was initially a bit concerned over the idea that the condensation from my plastic, child safe cup would soak through the bread and we’d have issues but then I saw a more positive spin on it and realized that if that happens then I’ll just stick some peanut butter on it and eat it. Dee-licious.

You know what, though? The stale bread has held it’s own and it is still as hard as it was when I found it shoved partially up under my refrigerator. I am currently staling up some bread to place in various spots in the living room so that there are planty of places to put everyone’s drinks without ruining my gorgeous futon furniture. And when I’m done with it, I can make stuffing.

Yes, I have taken great care in maintaining my futons but I have a confession to make:

I have about forty six loads of clean laundry that I have not yet folded and put away. As an OCD this causes me great upset but I am in a good mood and so I have decided to use my laundry to play a fun game with my readers. I call it:

FIND THE CHILD IN MY BIG, FUCKIN’ PILE OF CLEAN LAUNDRY

I stumbled upon this as I was wandering around the house in a pharmaceutical induced stupor and, let me tell you, it scared the shit right out of me. I thought I saw the monstrous pile of laundry move and I stopped, looked at it, shook my head and then continued what I was doing. A few minutes later, the laundry stirred again and this time, thinking it was the cat, I jabbed at the ginourmous pile with a broom handle, which I am pleased to say that I own.

When I jabbed at it, I heard it grunt. Naturally, I jabbed at it again, harder this time and it let out a holler. “Hot fuckin’damn it!” I shrieked as I jumped clear out of my asshole.

It was a child.

I’m still not sure which child is was, though, because they were awfully covered up there, but I did see a tiny face staring at me from the laundry. My guess is Owen or Olivia.

I’m still having nightmares. Well, I had one last night since this all just happened yesterday.

Okay. That’s enough of this weirdness.