Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

the philosophy of kyra February 14, 2008

Filed under: pulitzer worthy — the108 @ 12:11 pm
You know, I like to think of myself as a very philosophical person. I often times find myself pondering deep, spiritual subjects and meditating upon many mysteries of the world.

In fact, just this very morning as I was lying in my bed enjoying the silence around me, I suddenly began thinking about God and all of his power and why he chose to do things the way he did. Specifically, why he chose to place our nipples on our chests instead of putting them on our butts:

Now, I don’t even assume to think for even a second that I should know better than God where the best location for nipples are. It was just something that I began thinking about. I suppose if I were to give it further thought then I would assume that he placed them on women’s breasts so that we could feed our infants with ease. After all, I’m not sure how it would work if a woman’s nipples were on her ass being that she would then be forced to sit on the face of her baby in order to feed it.

No one wants their face sat on while they are eating. Personally, I haven’t much issue with sucking on a butt, but this is the choice I make as a grown adult. Is it fair to take such a choice away from a young child?

I think not.

All children under the age of five should be given the choice when deciding if they’d like to smell an ass while they are eating. I assume that a woman could sort of squat over the baby but this would be very uncomfortable on the knees after a few minutes and as anyone who has ever breastfed a baby knows, that shit takes forever. It is this realization that makes me think God was spot on with his choice of nipple placement on women.

But what about men?

Personally, I’m not all too sure why men even have nipples to begin with. They serve no real purpose. For a baby, it’s the ultimate tease sort of the way it would be for a college kid wandering up to the keg only to discover that there ain’t shit in there. I see man-nipples as a frustration for infants who wish very much to suckle them only without the desired outcome.

Man nipples should have been placed on the butt to prevent babies from wanting to suck on them. In this aspect, I think God screwed things up a bit. Granted, I suppose he could have done far worse and stuck them on someone’s eyelids which I would find to be a real inconvenience. But, I don’t think he should have given men nipples to begin with. It’s cruel to tease hungry infants with empty boobies.

If you ask me, God just likes to fuck with little babies.


my armpits smell good, damn it! February 4, 2008

Filed under: pulitzer worthy — the108 @ 2:46 am

If you use Secret Platinum deodorant with Olay conditioners and a Botanical Silk scent then your armpits smell just like my armpits. This strikes me as a very intimate connection and I wonder if I should try to locate others in my area with similarly scented hygeine products and see if we could possibly have something going on.

My deodorant smells really good but will it actually get me laid? They make all these colognes and perfumes and shit to make you smell attractive and it usually works. I readily admit that I get increasingly more horny when Dean is smelling all good after having bathed with some Axe shower gel or doused himself in some sort of product that pleases the olfactories. And god only knows if I were to apply a little bit of my Bratz Fashion Fever eu de toilette or my Celine Dion perfume (which, by the way, smells nothing like Celine Dion) then men can’t get enough of me. I’m likely to be attacked on the street.

Nowadays, everything is scented and I admit that I am far more likely to purchase some lavender scented toilet paper than the regular old shit. I don’t know why. I suppose I just like things smelling pretty good or something because every goddamned thing in my house smells like something or other. Even my garbage bags are scented.

You know those scented filters you can buy to put in your air conditioner vents? I have invented something similar for your ass so that when you fart or take a poop it will smell really good. I figure there will be a tiny, little device that you implant up in your rectum that will filter out all of the normal odors and replace them with wonderful aromas of, say, cherry blossoms or baby’s breath or dandelions. This way, when you fart people will be pleased by it instead of disgusted and vomitous. I am baffled that this product has yet to be invented and so I’m going to go ahead and do it.

But, the shit I rub all over my body, I cannot seem to smell after a minute or so. I buy shampoo that smells fuckin’ fabulous and have the vanilla rose shaving cream and the citrus and sandlewood bath soap but the junk never seems to make me smell like any of it. I bathe in this crap and then proceed to smear all kinds of smelly lotions and oils all over every square inch of my body and all I can smell is my deodorant.

You know, no one has ever walked up to me at a bar and said, “Heyyyy… I couldn’t help but smell your armpits from across the room and I just thought I’d come and introduce myself.” In fact, no one has ever complimented me at all on the wonderful odor of my armpits and this frustrates me as I really do take great care in picking out the perfect deodorant or anti-perspirant. My armpits get no attention whatsoever and it’s bullshit. Here I am shaving them and making them all lovely and smooth and…. nothing. There is just no love.

I’m desperate for someone, anyone, to recognize a beautiful armpit when they see or smell one. I am desperate that that armpit in question be mine. Obviously none of you can do this but that guy in Walmart the other day certainly had his chance when I inched up on him and stretched right in his face. Did he even sniff in my direction?

No he did not.

You know, this fucking deodorant is, like, six dollars. Sure, I could downgrade to a cheaper one but I just know that the minute I do someone will come up to me and be like, “You smell like shit.” So, I continue to take great care in my personal armpit hygeine and it goes unnoticed.

I’m sick of it, I tell you. Just sick.