the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

the109 speaks out February 20, 2008

Filed under: Dean-o — the108 @ 11:27 pm

Here I am. I am Dean AKA the109, the husband of the infamous Kyra Sutra and I am here to answer some of your questions about my wife. Some of you left some questions in her comments from yesterday and so I took them and posted them below with my answers.

BOND ASKS:

What is Kyra’s favorite food?

Kyra’s favorite food… Hmm.. Well, the food that Kyra would deem “favorite” changes like the phases of the moon. I think I can, however, pinpoint Kyra’s favorite food “group”. That food group would be the Appetizer Group. Whether it be deep fried cheese or potato skins or jalapeno poppers, more or less anything you would find on an appetizer menu in any major resturaunt you may find yourself in. During Kyra’s pregnacies you could often find me red-eyed and stumbling into the freezer section of a grocery store at 1:30am in search of one of these items to feed to satisfy the craving of the108.

What is her least favorite food?

While I am a Floridian and proud of it, I often partake in clams in various variety’s and I also love oysters in all thier forms, to include, raw on the half shell. This probably revolts my wife more than if she awoke at 2:30am in her bed to me literally shitting in her mouth. Not only can she not stand the stuff but she has some uncanny radar that informs her when it is within a 5 mile radius. I often will arrive home with clam chowder or clam strips or some such item and I will be greeted with, ” Hello darling, keep that pussy away from me.” Yes, she refers to these seafood items as “pussy”.

TUG ASKS:

Dean, is she as funny IRL as she is here? Does she just keep you laughing?

You can rest assured that what you get in the blog of the108 is raw unadulterated Kyra. While she may be moodier in real life if that is possible she can also be the funniest person in any room she is put into. Kyra has a way of doing some pretty absurd shit but as it is her doing it, it seems perfectly normal. She is also really quick and sharp witted. If she comes off as amusing in her blog it is nothing compared to real life. She has a way of wording the things she says in a very matter of fact way that she seems to think is normal but it is actually hilarious and weird. Like when she will call me into her room and announce, “Dean, I’m going to manipulate you, now.” right before requesting something extremely strange. It involves absolutely nothing manipulative and is usually a blunt request for a specific book or a scone or something but she seems to think that outright asking for something is manipulating. That sort of thing is what’s funniest about her. She has a lot of quirks like that. Another funny thing she does that she doesn’t realize is that she feels so guilty about asking me to pour her a cup of coffee or something equally as mundane that she will ask obvious questions in an attempt to get me to offer. An example of this is she will see me walk through the door with a two liter of soda and then immediately ask me, “Babe… do we have any soda?” just so that I might say, “yeah, do you want me to pour you some?”. That is the extent of her great manipulating skills but everytime she asks me for something directly she informs me first of the impending mind game.

I would also like to mention that if ever you were to find my wife as she is a bit overtired, you will think it is the funniest shit ever. This is because the second she gets sleepy she instantly turns into a fucking drunkard. Seriously, you would think she had been tossing them back all night. She laughs out loud for no reason and then cannot stop to the point that I often wonder if I need to take her to the hospital. The laughter is rarely ever provoked by anything so far as I can tell. In addition to her maniacal behavior she slurs her speech and mumbles some seriously absurd shit that makes no sense. To be in her presence when she is tired is probably when I laugh the most.

How do you feel that Kyra & I talk about making out & masturbating side by side when neither of us is gay?

Your homosexuality is not for me to question. However, I would say that a strong arguement could be made that Kyra is at the least Bi-, if not, fully homo- sexual. While I was in school for the Army years ago I recieved the phone call most men would kill for:

“Dear, would you like to have a 3-some with me and Amy?”

Of course, skepical that this was an elaborate trap, I play it cool. “Uh… I guess so. Why?” (For the record, no man in their right mind would ever respond to a threesome offer with “why”?)

“Well I thought that if we were going to do it right for YOU that we might want to get some practice…(insert uncomfortable pause here)…….would you have a problem with that?”

“What? With you practiceing SEX with AMY?”

(MORE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) ” Uh… yea.”

“You already had sex with Amy, didn’t you?”

“Uh……..yea.”

– I rest my case. Oh and to answer your question, no, this is the conversation I have come to expect from my wife, lol!

MR. FAB ASKS:

Is Kyra really the insatiable nymphomaniac that she plays on TV?

Please refer to the last answer… I will say, however, that in the literal sense the answer would be no because she is only having sex with her husband (I hope). But if you are using the term “insatiable nymphomaniac” to describe her personality more than her actions then my answer would have to be yes… my wife’s mind lives perpetually in the gutter. I should also add to this that it is in the gutter in the most entertaining of ways.

And, she is phenominal in the sack. Since I assume that’s what everyone REALLY wants to know.

METAL MOM ASKS:

What does Kyra do when she isn’t playing with the kids or herself?

Kyra is a true modern day renassiance woman, she does a bit of everything… Sewing, drawing, poetry, web design, singing, there really isn’t much that she has attempted that she hasn’t done better than most. She can typically be found obsessing over a project or stressing out over some random imperfection in the world that no one else can see.

Belly button…innie or outie?

Kyra is a divine creature, she has no belly button… Just kidding… but seriously, though, she has an innie that she swears is truly hideous in appearance because she had a surgery done last year that resulted in about 20 staples up her middle. Also, her dumb ass made it about halfway through a ridiculous looking tattoo on her stomach and so she has half of some weird thing on there. Personally, she might worry about her navel but I can’t see the forest for the gigantic tits.

Her favorite place to be kissed? Your favorite place to kiss her?

Most of you will be shocked to know that I am, yes Kyra’s husband is, an uptight and sexually repressed prude. I would probably guess that her favorite place to be kissed is her clitoris but that’s only because she is a sick, nasty pervert. In reality, though, her most kissable spot is her neck, which is also my favorite place to plaster my lips. I routinely kiss her on the forehead or the tip of her nose, though, too but that’s not so much while we’re having sex. Those kisses are reserved for circumstances such as passing her in the hall or a face to face in the kitchen.

To me, she looks like she smells like cookies? Does she?

I am sorry to burst your bubble, she rarely smells like cookies, unless of course it is christmas time in which case you will probably find her in perpetual baking mode and she will smell like many a cookie. Kyra isn’t one of those people who has a distinctive smell to her. When she’s not around me I might smell something that will instantly remind me of her and those things tend to be Nag Champa insence, patchouli, sage and citrus or sandlewood. Really earthy stuff like that.

I would like to kiss her long and hard. Would you be jealous?

I am comfortable with my position as the108’s only 109, there isn’t a number that comes between them after all. I should say that if you ever did get the chance to kiss her you’d be addicted. Kyra has some amazing lips. Just ask half the planet.

What if I kissed her better than you ever kissed her?

Well if that happened then I would have to regain my composure since clearly monkey’s would have had to of just flown out of my ass.

WHALL ASKS:

Does the toilet paper roll empty itself AWAY from you, or TOWARDS you?

Ah, the age old question of the great philiosophers of all time. Is this, however, the true question we need to be asking ourselves? Or is the real question whether or not the roll of paper is being spun or rather is the TP spinning us? Neither, man… it usually just sits on the edge of the tub until one of the kids flushes the entire thing down the toilet.

What body part is she most ashamed of?

At any given time the part she has determined… has cancer. We have had, over the years, cancer of the following Kyra parts:

The Ass

The Ear

The Tailbone (somehow not related to the Ass Cancer)

The Fingernail

The Cuticle

The Testicles (don’t ask me how cause I still don’t know)

The Earlobe

The Uvula

What body part is she most proud of?

My wife, I think, most admires her cheekbones. I too find her Native American features quite lovely. Thankfully we have not yet contracted cheekbone cancer. Also, and for reasons still unknown to me, Kyra tends to be proud of, and even personify, any part of her body that becomes abnormal in any way. She once began a personal relationship and, in fact, NAMED her hemmoroid. Yes, she named her fucking hemmoroid. It’s name was Phil. Wait… maybe Phil was the ulcer. I don’t remember. She did have a tumor on her ovary that she called Zyghov and it had an entire fucking backstory to include the planet it was from. (She claimed it was an alien who was using her body as a host).

So there you have it folks. A little insight into my world being married to Kyra. I hope my answers were satisfying.

Today, Kyra is guest blogging over at Mr. Fabulous’s blog about her underwear so I’m not sure if she has left the shindig over here to me or if she’ll stop in and say a few (million) words. As I will be at work, though, she’ll be fielding the comments 🙂

 

Song writing contest– Mr. Fabulous January 13, 2008

Filed under: Dean-o — the108 @ 7:04 pm

The first person to submit lyrics to the song writing contest was none other than Mr. Fabulous…. and, holy cow, did he write a doozy. When I opened up my email and read Hello Kitty Hard On, I spit my coffee right out of my fuckin’ nose. I was very curious as to Dean’s reaction when I came to him with this and was expecting horror. Instead he laughed his ass off before realizing that he was going to be singing it. Then, the horror set in. By the time he had finished writing the music to Fabby’s lyrics, he was having a damn good time and really jammed out during the recording session even adding his own touch of humor to the end of the song that you don’t see here in Fabby’s lyrics. Now, he has actually added the song to his “performance list” and admits that he and Fabby are geniuses.

Our second song is being worked on today and hopefully recorded tonight with lyrics written by the ever so talented Jolie Jordan. We’ll have to wait and see what Dean-o comes up with for hers 🙂

In the meantime, I give you Hello Kitty Hard On with lyrics written by the amazing Mr. Fabulous. Below the lyrics is a music player where you can hear the song for yourself. Enjoy!

HELLO KITTY HARD ON

So hard getting up in the morning knowing what lies in store
Those catcalls and nasty glances are getting harder to ignore
No one understands me; I’m the scourge of the whole city
It’s tough being an adult male who’s in love with Hello Kitty.

I get lost inside those little black dots my baby’s got for eyes
I see the longing in her gaze, I hear her plaintive cries
I’d like to spirit her away from this town so void of pity
And marry her in Vegas; Mr. and Mrs. Hello Kitty

Hello Kitty, you were made for me
And you come with a money back guarantee
I got feelings for you that I can’t suppress
And I’m craving a peek under that little pink dress
I wanna settle down, wanna be your spouse
I want you to bat me around like a little bitch mouse

Hello Kitty, my love, I know it’s all a crazy dream
No plan that we can execute; no strategy, no scheme
For I am but a simple lonely slightly disturbed man
And you a fictional character from the island of Japan