Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

The Kyra Sutra February 21, 2008

I am America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

 Here are 108 fun facts about me that may give you some insight as to who you’re dealing with:

1. Kyra is not my real name. It’s Kimberly. (but most of you know this)

2. I have an unhealthy obsession for police dramas like CSI, Law and Order, Without a Trace, etc.

3. My eyes are sometimes blue and sometimes green.

4. Vinny and Starr gave me my middle name, Scarlett.

5. I love pot stickers.

6. I love pot. And feel that it should be legal so long as alcohol is.

7. I have something seriously against drunk drivers and feel they should be charged with attempted manslaughter.

8. I was the only cheerleader in the history of my high school to be expelled from school for possession of LSD.

9. I never wear shoes unless I absolutely have to. Even in winter.

10. I lived in a tree for almost two years.

11. I have a horrible track record when it comes to pets.

12. I went through a gothic phase as a teenager where I wore black eyeliner on my lips.

13. I also went through a hippie stage where I wore long skirts and lots of hemp.

14. I have had sex in the mouth of a sewer.

15. When I was 18, I shaved my head bald.

16. I consider myself to be an expert on sandwiches.

17. I average three pots of coffee a day.

18. I once shot heroin in the parking lot of a blood bank ten minutes before donating for free tickets to the Renaissance Festival. I passed the fuck out as I was leaving and woke up in a different city.

19. I’m sober now.

20. I wouldn’t be if they would legalize pot already.

21. I’m addicted to America’s Next Top Model.

22. I once had a stalker. Like, a real one.

23. I have been kidnapped twice in my life: Once by my biological father when I was a toddler and once by the stalker although that was classified as an abduction because I got away on my own.

24. The stalker abducted me by telling me that he was a history teacher at my father’s school (where he was the principal).

25. Some weird guy once came over to my house and cut off his thumb. For no reason that I can recall.

26. I love haunted houses and have been an “actress” in quite a few of them.

27. When I was 17, I sold my underwear to a guy in an IHOP for $200.

28. When I ran away from home at 16 and went to Florida, I went there because the guy I was in love with vacationed there a lot with his family to go scuba diving and I hoped that I would be able to see him again.

29. I got to Florida by hitchhiking. From Ohio.

30. I secretly like Marylin Manson.

31. Marylin Manson’s bassist, Twiggy Ramirez used to have gay sex with my straight but supposedly bisexual friend/sex partner/ex-roommate/rival’s boyfriend Ryan.

32. This is the same Ryan who I got arrested for being (see the post titled “I might Be Ryan Roberts”)

33. I miss Ryan Roberts. He’s awesome.

34. Ryan Roberts once told me that I suck dick like a professional.

35. I took that as a major compliment.

36. I am a surprisingly good cook.

37. I was once bit on the ass by a strange man at a concert.

38. When I was 8, I had a brother in high school and I used to steal all of his books from school and read them. As a result, my I.Q. jumped up ridiculously high.

39. I am extremely athletic.

40. I have always dreamed of having a tetherball pole installed in my house.

41. When I play dodgeball, I hit children very hard.

42. I am surprised that none of them have ever complained.

43. When I was in jail, I was always picked first for kickball.

44. I have a very powerful right foot. It comes from being a keeper (soccer) for my entire life.

45. I do not like to have sex in cars.

46. When I left jail and ran away to Florida it was not because I was released from jail.

47. The process of removing handcuffs involves lots of lube, a little self starvation, a metal saw and someone’s uncle.

48. I once cried over an armadillo but I had good reason to.

49. I have broken every major bone in my body and also some of the smaller ones.

50. I will not wear white. White scares me.

51. I dance on bars Coyote Ugly style. Just ask Shannon.

52. I insist on having gray couches as I like to feel free to change my curtains at will and gray matches everything.

53. Matthew was going to be named Lyric at first.

54. Although I hate my mother and I hate Dean’s mother, Matthew’s middles names are after them. Matthew Scott Jordan… Scott being Dean’s mom’s maiden name and Jordan being my mom’s maiden name.

55. Although I hate my dad and Dean’s dad, Owen’s middle names are after them. Owen William Russell… William is my father’s middle name and Russell is Dean’s dad’s middle name.

56. That was sort of hard for me to explain for some reason.

57. Had Olivia been a boy, her name would have been Logan Yorke Henry. Logan after Wolverine, Yorke after Thom Yorke of Radiohead and Henry after Lt. Henry of A Farewell To Arms, a book I feel is very close to telling the story of Dean and I.

58. Emi was going to be named Nova before we settled on Emily.

59. Olivia is named after a Shakespearean character and also by a Beatles song. Her full name is Olivia Rose. The Rose is a reminder to look at the world in a positive way.

60. Emi is named after my two heroes, my best friend, Shannon and Dean. Her full name is Emily Shannon-Deanna. Shannon is the mother of five children and after her last child was born, there were complications with the delivery resulting in her falling into a coma that lasted a month and suffering from kidney failure. Dialysis kept her alive physically, but her battle to survive for her babies is what really did it and this inspires me.

61. I have three books that I claim will tell the reader every single important thing they need to know about life.

62. The first book is The Giving Tree.

63. The second book is To Kill a Mockingbird.

64. The third book is The Idiot.

65. I know a lot more about politics than I really give a shit about.

66. I am only as multilingual as my Google Translator will allow me to be.

67. I have a total of five blogs.

68. I am more than one blogger in the blogosphere and everyone thinks that they are separate people.

69. I have an alter ego that I refer to as Hyde.

70. I am extremely comfortable around people named Luke, Blake, Jason, Ryan, Dan, Elliot and Jack.

71. I find it strange that those are all guy names.

72. I have never had a healthy relationship with a Mike.

73. My biological father’s name is Mike.

74. People named Paul tend to be very disappointed in me.

75. Guys named Steve always fall in love with me.

76. The name Steve is on my list of names that make me uncomfortable.

77. So is Paul.

78. People’s names are one of the strange things that are associated with my obsessive compulsive disorder.

79. I hate my eyebrows.

80. Parkinson’s disease makes me really, really sad.

81. So does Alzheimer’s.

82. My birth totem is the fucking snake and this pisses me off.

83. I love everyone else’s birth totems… Matt and Owen are both totemed with the Hawk (my favorite bird) Olivia is an otter, Emi is a deer and Dean is a salmon which is sort of gay but better than a snake.

84. I am American Indian on my mom’s side.

85. I am drunk, rapist, child abusing asshole on my dad’s.

86. I have taken the Pepsi Challenge and Coke won.

87. I have tried really hard to bring road kill back to life.

88. I really enjoy fucking with people.

89. I have been to rehab more than once and it never worked.

90. Finding out that I was to become a mother worked.

91. I was court ordered to go to A.A. meetings even though I have never had a drinking problem.

92. My favorite alcoholic beverage is whiskey.

93. I have a surprisingly high tolerance to booze.

94. I have stuck my bare ass out of a car window while zipping along the interstate.

95. I have caused a car accident before but I won’t tell you how and, no, it was not by waving my ass out the window.

96. I have been known to seek revenge in very vindictive ways.

97. I have been set on fire.

98. I’m addicted to game shows.

99. I once gave a cop a lap dance.

100. I was a minor when it happened.

101. I am against fishing and hunting for hobby.

102. I don’t like any food from a box.

103. I will never, ever eat any type of seafood in a soup.

104. I suffer from reoccurring nightmares some of which have been reoccurring since childhood.

105. My first memory is from when I was 18 months old.

106. I read encyclopedias.

107. I secretly dream of having a fairytale wedding.

108. I thought it would be hard to complete this but it wasn’t. In fact, I could go on.


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