Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

dear uterus February 16, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:59 pm

This here is not a post for my man readers who need to immediately turn around and get on out of here. I am going to do something I have yet to do here at the108, incredulously, as I was not aware that there may be a topic I haven’t covered.

I wish to bitch about my period.

I’ve never done this before and the situation is certainly calling for it. Usually, no topic is safe which many of you know after I posted graphic photos of me giving birth and a particularly ginormous close up of Emi’s placenta. Yet, the period has always remained a sort of sacred subject, one that makes men go, “ewwwww” and so I have avoided it for the most part. Today, I take my woman-ness back!

Ladies (and men who are reading for the sheer horror if it)…. I’m dying here. I used to be a nice, normal person who bleeds out of her vagina but ever since having my tubes tied it is like a massacre taking place between my legs. In the past, I was very normal when it came to my womanly issues, but now I am in so much dispair that I damn near cannot handle it.

I’m in pain. I have gained about ten pounds in water alone. It hurts to move and it hurts to not move. And to top it off, I’m bleeding like a gutted deer hanging from a tree.

I’m proud to say that I’m not typically an emotional basket case during my visits with Aunt Flo. I’m not so much a bitch, either.

Until now.

Boy, do I want to kick a few asses. I feel miserable. Wanna know just how miserable I am? Ever since getting my fucking tubes tied, I’m in period hell.

My cramps are so bad that I vomit. I’m nauseus allll the time. I can’t deal with it. To top it off, I’m bleeding so badly that I’m dizzy from blood loss. I’m pale and sick and lightheaded. I can’t leave my house because that would just be asking for one of those embarrassing moments when you know you have just bled all over your fucking self.

Seriously… I feel like a gunshot victim who has been left to bleed to death for a week. Surely, I cannot survive this. It’s too much. I am not normally one to cuss out my family members when on my period and I’m not usually one to cry.Today, I am rotating out on cursing everyone and sobbing uncontrollably and I think it is out of sheer frustration more than it is hormones.

I feel bad for cursing out Dean except that I don’t. I’ll feel bad later, but right now I want to scratch his fucking eyes out for no reason. Maybe it is the fact that I’m dying. I don’t want to be that shrewish bitch who is evil to her loved ones when she is dying and so I feel I must try to redirect my wrath and hatred towards someone else. I have written an open letter to my uterus.

Dear Uterus,

You have always been pretty good to me in the past. You carried four amazing children and kept them safe until they could be squeezed right the fuck out of you and into the world. Prior to this, you were always even tempered and gave me nothing to bitch about. But things seem to have changed between us. Something has happened and you just don’t seem like your old self any more. In fact, I can no longer even tolerate you and it is because of this that I feel compelled to ask:

What the fuck, dude?

What did I ever do to YOU??? Why you gotta be a player hater? I have always treated you with the utmost respect and now you go off being a bitch and causing me severe distress.

What did I do to piss you off so badly?

I used to have nothing but fondness for you but now I fucking hate you. I want to reach up inside of my vagina and rip you right out and then stomp all over you until you are nothing but a squishy, bloody mess on the cement. You, ma’am, can kiss my fucking ass.

It is people like you that give women a bad name. When you cause us pain, we become bitches and then men get annoyed with us. Fuck you for that. I am usually a nice person but, because of you, I am being an intolerable shrew to everyone around me. You’re a bitch.

Are you trying to kill me? Have you lost your goddamned mind?

I hate you. In fact, I friggin’ loathe you. I have half a mind to just go right on up to the doctor and demand a hysterectomy just so that I can be rid of you for good. Fuck you!

I wash my hands of you, Uterus. And until I am able to be physically rid of you, I shall ingest enough booze and painkillers so that I am oblivious to your presence.

Good day to you, bitch.

Yours, Kyra

I feel much better.


17 Responses to “dear uterus”

  1. Bluepaintred Says:

    first of all, thanks for not linking the placenta post, now I am going to have to dig through your archives. I have stuff to do you know!

    Second. welcome to the club. my period was awesome till I got my tubes tied, but ever since, the pain has been NASTY. I ended up finally going to the doc when the pain was so bad I would faint from it. Turns out I have adhesions from my surgery. the little raw bits from when they cut my tubes adhered to the well, whatever the hell is in there. There is a simple lazer surgery that can fix it up in a jiffy! I suggest going to the doc’s and getting it checked out!

  2. Bluepaintred Says:

    hey you know what does not rock at all? clicking the pull button to find your archives only to have it tease me with a split second glimpse of them before covering them halfway up (I can see recent posts on the left and your photo, and the links to journal, abouts and recent )

  3. the108 Says:

    BLUE: Can you see the search box? Weird.

    Here’s the link…LOL:

  4. TopChamp Says:

    bloody hell – every time I come to read I find more I have missed… and I thought I was here all the time!

    Valentines post – lovely. Aah. Sorry to have missed the love-fest x

    Caption competition.. – ha ha. Nothing else to add. Except that I didn’t know you had the graphics website blog thing going – hadn’t seen it before, but I know you do amazing stuff….

    THIS one… Periods are crap. I hate that blokes avoid this and feel no guilt being a bitch to my bloke when I’m suffering. Did you know that it would be worse after tube-tying was done? (not sure if its a normal side-effect or if you’re just unlucky).

  5. Carol Anne Says:

    I TOTALLY understand.

    As someone who has had to suffer through this type of period all her life, I am certain of this: This is the body’s revenge for infertility.

    It says, “Haha! You can’t give birth. So, I’m going to make X days a month like your worst birth nightmares.”

    Hence, the massive pain and the massive blood.

    Oh, it gets worse as you get closer to menopause. I’m just waiting for it all to end. Now would be a good time.

    Eat lots of Advil and chocolate. They **might** make you feel better. Then eat lots of Pepcid to deal with the stomach rot.

    P.S. – Glad you liked the “What is this shit” collection. I run through that set of expressions (facial and verbal) daily. Now I must go stop the 3rd grader from killing the kindergartener.

    P.S. II — It’s about time someone referred to me as sexy. Thanks… I think. ;^)

  6. metalmom Says:

    Are you done with kids? Have you considered a hysterectomy? What does the doctor say? All valid questions. I have been problem- free for a year (menopause) However…just in time for my birthday sexapalooza, guess who showed up with no warning? Yup! That bitch!

  7. Turnbaby Says:

    I just have to say I can’t tell you how FUCKING AWESOME life is without a period. And yeah I finally had the surgery after the same hideous problems you are describing. I kept my ovaries so I’ll finish menopause the normal way.

    I’m all good with that.

    My doc RULES as she also took out my appendix while she was there and sort of tuked my tummy by taking out my old surgery scar–she’s awesome like that 😉

    I know you are young but it sounds like it’s an awful mess for you.


  8. amanda Says:

    Yea!!!!! More surgery!!!! Be sure to plan it when Dean is in Iraq so that there will be no one to look after the kids.

  9. the108 Says:

    TC: I’ve been working on your graphic for the Ensemble website which was giving me a fret as there are so many types of trumpets…LOL. It’ll be done soon, though.

    CAROLE ANNE: What? No one has called you sexy? That’s cray!

    MM: I am done with kids but worried about a hysterctomy. I had one of my ovaries removed during this last pregnancy and I’m terrified that I’ll hit menopause and be an insufferable bitch.

    TURN: I want your doc!!!

    AMANDA: Uh…. yeah…. right??

  10. Travis Says:

    Thanks for the warning on this post.

  11. Tug Says:

    I have always basically hemmoraghed (spelling WRONG, I’m sure) every damn month. BUT, I truly have never cramped or had ‘PMS’…so I take the good with the bad. Now, as a GRANDMA…I’m in the menopause stage – the only thing I’ve found different (besides no period every month) is I’m getting allergies. Wierd, I know – but mine are scented candles, my mom’s were anything that stung – bees, deer flies…it all happened when she went through menopaus, & bites almost killed her.

    Guess I’m lucky…wish I could help you. Get Turn’s doctor’s number!

  12. Tug Says:

    Pee Ess – I spelled weird wrong. hee.

  13. the108 Says:

    TRAVIS: Did you read it anyway???

    TUG: Allergies? This is what I have to look forward to?

    pee ess….

    I spell weeeerd wrong all the time.

  14. Starrlight Says:

    So glad I am not the only one who talks smack to their uterus. Due to the massive complications having kidlet I have had periods from hell ever since. You kinda get used to it after 13 years.

  15. The Absurdist Says:

    Here’s some serious advice…

    1. Get your OBGYN to prescribe Celebrex. I know. it’s for arthritis. But it works wonders for cramps.

    2. Take iron two days before and throughout your period. I have the “whole damned period in one day” syndrome, with bad bleeding and clots for four more days. It’s awful. It started about three years ago.

    3. Since you are done with having kids, talk to your OBGYN about uterine ablation. It’s no big deal, you are back at work after one day, and the procedure only takes about 15 minutes. Most people never have a period again, some have tiny baby little bleeding every now and again.

    Other than that, I wish that they made a tampon called “whole fucking period in one day”. I get the iron loss too, and frankly, I am homicidal starting about a week before my period. To boot, I have my period on full moons. I have no idea why.

    But I have the same problem as you, so that’s what I have done.

  16. Tug Says:

    My aunt got the hot flashes, we seemed to get allergies. I’m not sure, but I’m thinking we got the good part.

    Besides my mom turning blue once. After that, she carried around her ‘shot’ of stuff to give herself.

    *sigh* maybe hot flashes is the way to go…

  17. Colette, aka Lil Sis Says:

    Oh my god, thank you for the warning, but holy shit batman! That is some scary stuff. Did you at least go to the dr about it?

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