So, everyone I know is sick with the flu or scurvy or the consumption or some other disgusting shit that I have no intention of catching. Except for the scurvy, which I desire to come down with so that I might be one step closer to achieving my dream of becoming a Pirate Queen. But, the rest of that shit needs to stay the fuck away from me because I simply cannot handle being sick.
This remains a challenge in this household where diseases and other funky shit continuously circulate. I have oft wondered if I might have the AIDS on account of the fact that I have no immune system but the doctor’s continue to tell me that this isn’t the case. Instead, I am left to assume that years of drug use must have just fried my system and that some day when I am completely sobered up, things will start looking better for my health.
I wish to make note that I, as Nurse Kyra, have been extremely generous in my consistent offerings to fellow bloggers who are feeling under the weather and I have offered my services to help the ailing all week and with no takers. It would seem that no one would like my assistance, however, I will continue to offer it up just because I so love referring to myself as Nurse Kyra.
At some point someone is going to allow me to take their temperature. Rectally, goddamn it.
I am extremely qualified to hold a position in the medical field. I’m intelligent, have unlimited experience injecting drugs, know just about everything there is to know about the human body and also….I’m very gentle.
Unless, of course, if asked otherwise.
I am also not squeamish when it comes to having to do rectal exams or close inspections of penises and vaginas. In fact, I’m fairly certain that I could handle just about anything so long as it does not involve blood or vomit or pee or poop or snot or any other sort of discharge.
Actually, I think I just want an opportunity to fondle healthy people.
Granted, I could make soup or give your aching body a rub down or administer medications but I’m not changing any adult diapers and if it smells mentholated, I’m not touching it without a few hits of ecstasy. I’m also okay with sticking things up your butt so long as it’s not really for any kind of medical reason because that seems like it would ultimately involve some sort of poop.
Here’s what sucks: The only actual people who are sick and in my presence are very un-sexy. Because they are all children. And leaking snot and gross shit like that. When kids get sick they have a tendency to leak everywhere. They leak out of their noses and out of their asses and even their nasty, little ears. They piss on things and drool everywhere and vomit on stuff and it’s just the grossest thing ever.
Not only is it disgusting, but it’s also rude. Today, I have been pissed on, shit on and vomited all over. There is a toilet about five feet away but I think the children enjoy an audience when they perform random acts of illness as they assume it shall garner them a little sympathy if I have to participate. They are wrong.
I like sick kids when they have ridiculously high fevers and are passed out in a stupor off cold medication so that I may draw tiny mustaches on them. I like them when they feel so awful that they curl up in your lap and snuggle you. I like them up until they sneeze and that humongous snot rocket comes flying out of their faces and hangs right there well below their chins at which point they scream and demand you do something about it. I like them when they are too tired to run around and create havoc. I don’t like it when they have to make the decision to either shit on the toilet or vomit on the toilet and then, as they stand there trying to decide, they both shit and vomit on the floor.
Yet, I so love to nurture people, to help them feel better. It is this sort of empathy for human beings that causes me to want to check for testicular hernias or confirm an awkward lump in a breast. It’s why I am always careful to check tonsils even when the only thing I have to do this with is my own tongue. It is why I often perform a colonoscopy in the same way.
I am but a simple, servant of man. Or woman. Or both at the same time.
Come let Nurse Kyra cure what ails ya.