Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

the screener February 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:06 pm

Guess what?

Chicken butt.

But, seriously… this post is not about chicken butts as we all know that those cause scurvy and nobody wants a mean case of the scurve. Nooooo, sir.

In actuality, I haven’t a clue what this post is about. At least, not yet. Maybe something will come to me as I type. Currently, I’ve got nothin’. Instead, I’m sitting here listening to Matthew and Dean have a conversation about Mike Huckabee who is on the television giving a speech about some sort of nonsense. My kids are super interested in some weird shit for their ages.

For instance:

Owen and Olivia really love the movie Braveheart. Like, REALLY love it. Considering that they are two and four years old, I consider this to be a little odd, yet, there they sit glued to the television the minute the fuckin’ movie starts. It would seem that they just can’t get enough Mel Gibson.

Today, in a momentary lapse of judgement, I allowed my children to watch Epic Movie. But, if I’m going to be completely honest here, we all laughed our asses off.

Dean does not approve of the junk I allow the kids to watch. He about had a heart attack when I allowed Matt to watch The Exorcist and he yelled at me for weeks after. Granted, Matt was three years old but he handled it just fine and it’s not as though I locked him in the basement next to the furnace and forced his eyeballs to stare at the television. Instead, he asked if he could see it after seeing a commercial on television for the anniversary edition or some shit as such and I explained to him that it’s freaky. When he still didn’t give a damn, I had him watch a teeny snippet of the scene where she crawls backwards down the stairs and when that didn’t cause pee to flow down his leg, we were on.

I’m not terrible, though and I do draw the line somewhere.

I allow my kids to watch The Family Guy but not South Park. I let them watch the Discovery Health channel and we even rented The Miracle of Life one time. Matthew has seen Schindler’s List but I did not let Owen or Olivia watch it, yet, because it’s not something I can explain to them so easily in a way that they would understand.

Typically, I am a screener. I watch the movies first and then based on their answers to a series of questions, I will make a decision. The questions are as such:

1. Would you pee your pants if you saw someone get their head chopped off?

2. Can you resist the urge to repeat certain naughty words that you may hear in this movie should I allow you to watch it?

3. If a naked butt crosses the screen, will you giggle or ask me for the remote so that you can pause it?

4. Will you try to imitate anything you may see in this film?

If the answers are positive then it’s all systems go. Or, it’s whatever system is out here for us to use… Playstation, DVD player, etc. If I get a weird vibe then maybe I’ll still let them but I’ll threaten them a bunch throughout the movie.

I allowed Matt to watch the Aquateen Hunger Force movie and Dean crapped a big one over it. He had a total cow.

Thank god the boy is a genius. It makes me feel better. And you know what else?

Genius doesn’t cause scurvy!


4 Responses to “the screener”

  1. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I will only go see R or NC-17 movies. So I am very thankful for the screeners

  2. Mr. Fabulous Says:

    That Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie RAWKED!

  3. Bond Says:

    I try and screen for myself, so I watch everything and then when I am done I decide if I will let me watch it again…

    Some videos, I unfortunately watch once and then promise myself I will never watch it again…

    A Lexus

    ESPN; HBO; ABC (I love Lost)

    Bonds Joy

  4. jolie-jordan Says:

    The Mom and Grandmom and Chicken butt in me so agree with Dean on this one. I’d take the remote from you and the kids.

    You will rue the day…my mom would say. Oh that’s right…she did say that a lot. Unfortunately she was very often right. Take heed and think it out…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s