If you use Secret Platinum deodorant with Olay conditioners and a Botanical Silk scent then your armpits smell just like my armpits. This strikes me as a very intimate connection and I wonder if I should try to locate others in my area with similarly scented hygeine products and see if we could possibly have something going on.
My deodorant smells really good but will it actually get me laid? They make all these colognes and perfumes and shit to make you smell attractive and it usually works. I readily admit that I get increasingly more horny when Dean is smelling all good after having bathed with some Axe shower gel or doused himself in some sort of product that pleases the olfactories. And god only knows if I were to apply a little bit of my Bratz Fashion Fever eu de toilette or my Celine Dion perfume (which, by the way, smells nothing like Celine Dion) then men can’t get enough of me. I’m likely to be attacked on the street.
Nowadays, everything is scented and I admit that I am far more likely to purchase some lavender scented toilet paper than the regular old shit. I don’t know why. I suppose I just like things smelling pretty good or something because every goddamned thing in my house smells like something or other. Even my garbage bags are scented.
You know those scented filters you can buy to put in your air conditioner vents? I have invented something similar for your ass so that when you fart or take a poop it will smell really good. I figure there will be a tiny, little device that you implant up in your rectum that will filter out all of the normal odors and replace them with wonderful aromas of, say, cherry blossoms or baby’s breath or dandelions. This way, when you fart people will be pleased by it instead of disgusted and vomitous. I am baffled that this product has yet to be invented and so I’m going to go ahead and do it.
But, the shit I rub all over my body, I cannot seem to smell after a minute or so. I buy shampoo that smells fuckin’ fabulous and have the vanilla rose shaving cream and the citrus and sandlewood bath soap but the junk never seems to make me smell like any of it. I bathe in this crap and then proceed to smear all kinds of smelly lotions and oils all over every square inch of my body and all I can smell is my deodorant.
You know, no one has ever walked up to me at a bar and said, “Heyyyy… I couldn’t help but smell your armpits from across the room and I just thought I’d come and introduce myself.” In fact, no one has ever complimented me at all on the wonderful odor of my armpits and this frustrates me as I really do take great care in picking out the perfect deodorant or anti-perspirant. My armpits get no attention whatsoever and it’s bullshit. Here I am shaving them and making them all lovely and smooth and…. nothing. There is just no love.
I’m desperate for someone, anyone, to recognize a beautiful armpit when they see or smell one. I am desperate that that armpit in question be mine. Obviously none of you can do this but that guy in Walmart the other day certainly had his chance when I inched up on him and stretched right in his face. Did he even sniff in my direction?
No he did not.
You know, this fucking deodorant is, like, six dollars. Sure, I could downgrade to a cheaper one but I just know that the minute I do someone will come up to me and be like, “You smell like shit.” So, I continue to take great care in my personal armpit hygeine and it goes unnoticed.
I’m sick of it, I tell you. Just sick.