Due to recent discoveries I have decided to entertin the idea that no one in my family is currently trying to kill me. At this juncture.
Although there are two confirmed episodes of someone intentionally feeding me bleach, I am thinking that this individual’s earlier attempts on my life were simply a phase and may, in fact, be a thing of the past.
I have been accusing Dean of trying to off me for the last year, something he denies vehemently and with great conviction. It was almost as if he had convinced himself that he wasn’t trying to kill me… that’s how earnest he was about the whole thing. But, lately, I have got to thinking:
My ice maker has been on the fritz for about a year. Sometimes it makes ice and sometimes it doesn’t and then other times it makes ice that taste really weird and leaves my mouth feeling sort of numb after I eat it only not numb from the cold but numb from some sort of poison. Since I am an ice eater, I notice this sort of shit and, truth be told, I think there might be something bigger going on here.
After my landlord’s failed attempts to have me evicted, I think she had the maintenence man enter my premises while I was away and put lethal doses of some sort of chemical substance in my ice maker. Killing me slowly over time would be far more practical than simply sneaking into my home in the night and trying to off me in one go. After all, I’m really strong and also a tad bit insane and no one with half a brain wants to actually try to assault me. I’d go bananas.
But to do it slowly and over a vast period of time makes far more sense because most people will think that I’m simply paranoid. At least, by way of the landlord’s thinking as she is unaware of my great intellect.
You’d think I would stop eating the ice, but I haven’t. Sure, it tastes like dick and leaves my mouth feeling gross but I do it compulsively and so it’s not my fault. I just have to do it.
I think there is a strange side effect to the poison slowly building up in my bloodstream that has caused a major influx of my hormones because, for some reason, I have been extremely horny as of late. I’m a Scorpio and so I’m horny nearly all of the time as it were, but now I’m ultra horny. I want to touch penises. I want to touch vaginas. I want to fondle and manhandle most everyone who comes near me. I want to turn on crazy music and makeout for hours on end.
I also want to do things that no human being has any business doing. I have this weird desire to be smacked around during sex and have my hair pulled violently. I want to be covered in scratches and bruises from rough sexual activity. I have asked Dean repeatedly to punch me in the face during sex but he refuses and thinks I’m weird and, frankly, I agree. I haven’t a clue where this agressive, insatiable lust is coming from. I am forced to deduce that it must be something in the water. That is being filtered into my ice maker.
Someone out there wants me horny and also dead.
Maybe it IS Dean!