Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Sonic the Killer Fish January 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:21 pm

I’m a bad fish mommy. I would even go as far as to admit that I am a terrible fish mommy. Just ask Sonic.

Sonic used to have two siblings in the bowls on either side of him. I frequently rotated them because I felt it was unfair for Sonic to get the big bowl all to himself all the time and the others deserved to live luxuriously as well. Sadly, though… they are no longer with us. Because I killed them.

There is blood on my hands, folks.

I feel extremely guilty for killing the other two fish but not so guilty that I remember to feed Sonic or clean out his bowl. Although I hold myself responsible for the deaths of these two fine fishies, it is my great sadness that I cannot seem to focus on maintaining better care for Sonic. It’s simply too hard to look at him knowing what I have done. Every glance in his direction is a horrible reminder of Flash and Bubbles.

Flash and Bubbles…. even as I say their names I am overcome with grief.

Flash was the first to die. It happened, ironically, right after a bowl cleaning when I accidentally shocked him. Filled with remorse I couldn’t bring myself to flush him down the same toilet my family shits in so I tossed his body down the garbage disposal and ground him to smithereens.

Flash and I were close, too. This will be incredibly moving for you to know, but I once saved him rather than save my television. What had happened was that I screamed and when I did so, his bowl shattered… he was in the one to the right of Sonic at the time, one of the smaller bowls (I replaced it)… and since they hang over my television, obviously one has to move rather quickly to make sure one does not set the house on fire.

The first thing I did was grab his flopping body up and stick him in a cup of water before I unplugged the t.v. and got that whole thing dealt with. There was glass everywhere, but in my haste to save him, I didn’t care about a measly cut on the toe. After this incident, Flash and I shared a rather close bond up until I killed him and then stuck him down the garbage disposal. But I’m sure he understands.

I don’t even remember Bubbles dying but as she is gone, I’m sure she certainly must have at some point. Unless she teleported or something. I don’t much care either way, though, because she was a bitch.

Thus, only Sonic remains and, as you can see, he is running out of water. He is one resilient son of a bitch, though, considering that he goes weeks without eating most of the time. He is one hard core fish.

It hasn’t always been this way, though. They used to have a rather sweet deal going on up there. Here is a picture of Sonic, Bubbles and Flash before their homes became condemnable:

They even had real, live plants to nibble on when I forgot to feed them.

Today… I am going to spoil Sonic. I am going to send him for a day at the spa (a plastic cup from Wendy’s)and pimp out his bachelor pad. Pimping out means that I’m going to wash it… first by hand and then maybe I’ll even stick it in the dishwasher. Then, I will fill it up with just the right temperature of water and add those little water conditioner drops before I stick him back in there. I might even feed him. No… fuck that… I WILL feed him. No need to half ass it today.

Sonic is going to have a very good day today.


4 Responses to “Sonic the Killer Fish”

  1. Mr. Fabulous Says:

    Um…as far as the episode with Flash and the TV, what is it that caused you to scream?

  2. Blufeenix Says:

    Sonic can join October in his green bowl if you like. My sons poor fish is living in a bowl that is caked green, use to be clear.

    Really sad since this is my line of work caring for these things, don’t tell work ok?

  3. TopChamp Says:

    wow – good for you. I’m sure sonic will appreciate it (so far as fish are able to appreciate anything).

    My friend had two lobsters. Until one ate the other. Now he has one lobster.

  4. Travis Says:

    Fish killer.

    1. Peas are GACK.

    2. I guess I should save a little bit to upgrade my desktop computing situation later this year.

    3. There isn’t one. I enjoy any holiday on it’s own merits and for it’s own purpose.

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