I woke up cranky today. The reason I woke up cranky is because I had one of “those” situations where my fucking alarm was blasting for a solid 45 minutes before I heard it and as a result of oversleeping, Matt is not at school because he has missed the bus.
That boy is going to drive me stark, raving insane today, I just know it.
My kids are fantastic so long as all four of them are not together. If it’s just two of them or three of them to include Emi then it’s perfectly tolerable but add the fourth to the mix and all hell breaks loose and I’m in the corner crying by five p.m. They rile each other up like crazy. My favorite kid combination in this madhouse is Matthew/Olivia. Matt is relatively calm and doesn’t really screw around with anyone and sort of keeps to himself which is just fine with Olivia who will silently follow him around and allow him to use her to further any game he is playing. An Owen/Matt combination is a lethal one with Owen whining that Matt won’t play with him and then seeking his revenge by beating the shit out of the elder.
Owen and Olivia are okay but they get very mischievous when together and this results in horrible things happening.
Today, I have already woken up on the wrong side of the bed and what I woke up to is a fucking mess in my house that I have not seen in a while. It has me on edge. Someone gave my children popcorn to eat in their bedrooms last night and, naturally, they must have had a popcorn fight because I woke up to find the shit everywhere. I’m pissed.
I want a maid but there is no money for a maid. I try to keep this shit clean but it’s next to impossible with six people living in 1000 square feet and with us never leaving the house and whatever. There is shit being transferred from one location to the next in this house and it drives me crazy. Dean has a four day weekend. Guess what we’ll be doing?
Whatever. I’m over it. Thank god for pills that lower my standards.
I discovered quite recently that I cannot live without these pills but not in a way that I’m addicted to them, more in a way where without them I am a friggin’ lunatic who teeters on the edge of insanity. They bother me and help me at the same time. As I said, they lower my standards. I’m on them for the OCD and so they sort of mellow me out about certain things although they don’t completely fix things. I’ve stopped pulling my hair out for the time being but I still cannot set one solitary ass cheek on my bed without the sheets being completely removed, changed and without every single pillow in it’s perfect, little place.
I can tolerate the mess in this house a bit better but I still can’t bring myself to drink the last three inches in a carton of milk. I doubt highly that that will ever be cured.
I’m obsessed with Animal Crackers. Not eating them so much as I am calmed by sorting them. I like to dump out an entire box of them and then sort and organize them by animal and then by animal slash missing body parts. I’ll try to match up various heads and limbs from the bottom of the box with animals who are missing theirs and the whole thing is fantastic, really, except that as I am doing this, my kids try to come and eat them.
If I have four, perfect, fully intact camels stacked one on top of the other and a kid comes and grabs one, I’m liable to have a heart attack. This happens a lot and as I use a rather large area to sort the animal crackers, it is hard for me to defend them all at once. I’ll have a good four square feet devoted to the little piles of animals and when I see a kid approaching I’ll sort of throw my arms up and scream, “nononononononono!” at them. But sometimes that doesn’t work and they’ll try to get a cookie some other way, like sneaking in and just taking one. In the event that they just won’t leave my Animal Crackers alone, I will try to select one that I feel is disposable and I will give it to the child in exchange for them leaving me be. Once I have them all sorted they can eat them, for all I care so long as they don’t knock down any of the piles as they do so.
I do a similar thing with asparagus.
When I’m medicated, it’s not so bad. At least visually. I think I see things differently because when I’m not medicated, things pop out at me and anything symmetrical or that can be lined up have to be. When I’m medicated, my mind is a bit more tired and my eyeballs seem to pass over things more often. I pay less attention to the not so obvious but if it’s something I see a lot by default then it continues to bother me. For instance:
On my laptop there are little stickers telling me that my computer has Vista and Lightscribe and Intel Centrino and all that shit. Over time, the corners of the stickers start to sort of peel off and I can’t handle this. Instead of removing them, I have Dean call the manufacturer for replacement stickers because it will drive me nuts. He also has to call and replace certain letters that I feel need replacing. Currently, my N key as one of the points in the N seems to be missing and this is completely unacceptable. That fucking N stands out at me like a sore thumb and it drives me crazy. Do you know how many N’s there are in this post so far? Shitloads. And each and every one of them is tainted.
The medication helps my compulsions a great deal. I used to lie in bed at night and panic that the toilet seats were up or that the closet doors were left open and I would repeatedly get up to check on them and fix what needed fixing. Now, if I see a toilet seat up, I’ll shut it but it doesn’t keep me awake so much. I might check once or twice but not, like, fifteen times or anything.
I’m tired all the time, though. I have motivation but I wear out quickly. As a result, I watch too much tv when I could be cleaning. It’s not so bad, though, that I should be bothered but I’ve run out of movies on demand to watch and that sort of sucks. Today, my kids and I shall be watching the new Harry Potter flick so that will be nice seeing that none of them are in school.