Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

bulletins January 15, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:24 pm

I got pissed on last night. In bed. And before you can ask… no, it wasn’t while participating in some freaky sex act. In fact, I slept right through it and woke up soaked in someone else’s urine and it wasn’t cool.

I got to bed too late last night and almost slept through the alarm again, something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. At some point in the night, Olivia brought her little ass into my bed, stripped butt neckid and snuggled up to me under the blankets.

And at some point in the night, she pissed all over me.

I woke up shivering and cold and drenched in pee. It really sucked because it’s about 15 degrees outside and pretty darn cold inside so it was quite the shock to wake up with pee ice cubes hanging off my body like little pee stalactites. It sucked more than you will ever know.

Someone please tell me how in the hell I get this child to keep her clothes on. I dress her in things I consider to be impossible to remove but she is like some kind of fuckin’ Houdini and within minutes is streaking through the house bare ass naked. I’ve tried everything, even allowing her to go around in costume dressed as a ballerina from head to toe in the hopes that she’ll keep the shit on. But, noooooo…. Olivia wants to be naked.

My little aspiring stripper always chooses the perfect time to do this, too, like when the mailman is at the door or when someone stops by from Dean’s work. There we are minding our business when you see the flash of a bare butt go streaking past in a fit of giggles. It’s embarrassing and it’s weird.

Is it against the law to duct tape her into her clothing?


Something else I’m upset about is the fact that I am now being censored all over the internets. won’t allow me to write reviews anymore after a scathing piece I did on the Tickle Me Elmo Extreme and now I have gotten my Trivia Tournament thrown off the air as well for using the “F” word. I am upset about both things equally but I’m disappointed in Amazon. I had begun, after my douche review, to get requests for new posts and I was happy to oblige. No one has sent me anything either from Amazon or the Trivia Tournies telling me that I’m out of line… instead they simply won’t post my shit anymore. I am enraged by this. My Tickle Me Elmo Post was fucking hysterical.

I was also sad to see that a friend of mine who we’ll call “Mike” (because that is his name) moved me down on his Myspace top friends to make room for Jesus. Thus, I whipped up that doo-hicky up thar and slapped it in his comments. How dare he think Jesus is more deserving of his number one spot after everything we have been through together.

Guess where I’m going to be tonight at eight? Sitting right here on my ass watching American Idol, baby. It will be bittersweet for me because last season, Dean and I had a deal: He auditioned last year and I was to audition this year. Well, he went and sang for the producers and I did not. Why not? Because I forgot.

Also, if Dean didn’t get through then what the hells is MY chance??? He is a far better singer and the only real thing I have going for me is that I’m not above acting stupid. Bond says I should try out because I have personality and also the backing of the Blogosphere but long before my blogger babes could ever vote, I’d have to get through far enough and I doubt that would happen.

Can you imagine me on Idol??? I’m not exactly “America’s Sweetheart” if you know what I mean. I’d have to be bleeped and delayed every thirty seconds and god only knows what I’d end up saying about our President or that stupid ass war or something. Besides that, I know damn well I’d spend the entire season trying to get in Ryan Seacrest’s pants right there in front of the entire country and then once I succeeded, I’d tell everybody and break some kind of contract. I don’t think me on national television is a good idea.

But I love the music and I’ll be posting more of my music as the weeks go on because I’ve been writing new songs. Maybe I’ll share them with you.

Or, you can go and listen to Mr. Fabulous’s Blog Talk Radio Show Pointless Drivel Live this coming Sunday at 6:30 for the special 90 minute long Karaoke segment where you can hear some of your fellow bloggers (like me!) sing duets with Fabby himself.

Mr. Fabulous and I will be tackling Atlantic Starr’s hit song, “Always” and hopefully we can capture it in all of it’s cheesy glory. It’ll be a blast so stop by and have a listen!

Well, kiddies… I’m off to go and wash my sheets.


13 Responses to “bulletins”

  1. Rocketstar Says:

    That is one of the worst ways to wake up ever. My wife usually gets poked int he face by our 4 year old. Sometimes I love that they “like” mommy better than daddy.

    As far as Amazon etc… I am sure that when you clicked the “I Agree” button when you created a username etc…it stated that they were a dictatorship with every right to control your every move and or entry into the site. Did you use foul language in the review?

  2. the108 Says:

    ROCKET: No, but I did state that Elmo needed an exorcism and was a terrible influence on children and then I ended the review with “Down with Elmo! Up with Jesus!”

  3. Mr. Fabulous Says:

    You may not be America’s Sweetheart, but you sure are mine, Hot Stuff!

    Can I pee on you now?

  4. the108 Says:

    MR.FABULOUS:Well, that’s good enough for me 🙂

    And… No. You may not pee on me. Remember? Baby steps…

  5. Dee Says:

    So this turns out to be an interesting fact we have in common. We’ve both been peed on while sleeping. Unfortunately, the person doing the peeing on me was my husband, not a 4 year old.

  6. the108 Says:

    DEE: Seriously? Well, now I feel compelled to out-nasty you. Once when I was drunk, I gave Dean a rimshot. That’s about all I got.

    You’re fantastic.

  7. Dee Says:

    NICE!! That’s probably the nastiest thing that he’s done…so I can’t compete.

  8. This Mom Says:

    Oh yes, the late-night piss-fest. Been there, done that.

  9. TopChamp Says:

    might come listen….. but then again I might sleep and listen later (which is never as much fun… although fab is funny).

  10. TopChamp Says:

    p.s. being pissed on sounds gross. Think that might be my word of the day – gross.. just used it on my blog.. think that’s twice since i was about 16. Need to find a better word.

  11. Travis Says:

    Reason #63 why I don’t have any of these small people at my house.

  12. Lois Grebowski Says:

    I’m relieved…. glad it wasn’t me who pissed the bed!


  13. Anndi Says:

    The other really bad way to wake up is when they puke on you… ugh…

    I’m sorry, but the thought of her running around nekkid is too precious… LOL

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