This morning I upgraded Olivia out of her car seat and into a booster seat. Her being in a car seat was a bit ludicrous at this point because she is ginormous and it didn’t do much to contain her. So, she graduated to the booster seat and I brought the car seat up and scrubbed and washed the thing and passed it down to Emi.
I cried like a big, fat pussy. I have no idea why. I had Dean bring up her infant car seat and the minute I saw it I burst into tears of madness. It’s all over now. The baby may as well leave for college tomorrow.
Emi is a source of a lot of emotion for me and I don’t know if it’s because she’s the youngest or if it is because she holds a very weird place in my heart. I say weird because I’m not sure how else to describe it without sounding cheesy but to be blunt… she saved my life.
Most of you were reading my blog throughout my pregnancy with her and know that we went through a lot. With Dean’s arrest, suicide attempt, my tumor and surgery… it was so stressful that there were a lot of days when I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I feared for her life and I feared for my own life but most of all I just wanted to bring her into the world safely. I blamed myself so much for causing her pain because I knew the stress was getting to me and I knew I was falling apart but I held on to her and if she hadn’t been right there fighting with me then I may not be here. I’ve said it a million times and it’s true: I kept her alive and she returned the favor.
Watching her grow is insane. I’m so very proud of all of my babies and although they are nuts they are also astounding in so many ways. As much as I love to discuss their more ridiculous behavior and make fun of the weird shit they do on a daily basis, today I am going to focus this post on their greatness.
One of Matthew’s teachers has nominated him for the gifted program at school and tomorrow he will go through a barrage of tests. It will last all day and he will be tested on all sorts of various things in addition to having his I.Q. tested. This confused me not because I think he is retarded but because he is sloppy and disorganized and doesn’t turn his work in half the time. As a result, his grades slip and so I was shocked when he was nominated.
I know he is smart and there are days when I think that maybe he is too smart. He knows and understands things that he probably shouldn’t at his age. Some of it is because he is very aware of things and because we always answer him honestly when he enquires even when the questions are a bit uncomfortable:
“Mom… what’s a boner?”
“So, you always warn me about sexual predators but what exactly does a sexual predator do?”
Being a mother who frequently has to explain the wonders of spontaneous erections and ponder how to word “ass rape” to an eight year old is often times challenging. But, thanks to the miracle of bluntness and my eight year old’s ability to process such simple terms, it is usually easiest to give it to him straight:
“A boner is when your penis gets all hard and stands up on it’s own. You accomplish this by fiddling with it.”
“A sexual predator will grab your penis and rape you in the butt. It hurts really badly to be raped in the butt.”
Granted, these discussions evolve into much deeper conversations but if the boy asks, I give him what he needs to hear. I tend to only answer what he asks and if he demands more information then I give it.
I haven’t a clue if this has helped his intelligence or harmed his soul, but he handles it however he needs to and so far being honest and direct seems to be suitable for him.
Owen is very different from Matt. He is far more emotionally driven and doesn’t dissect every little thing. Owen, unlike Matt, does not want all of the information that exposes the secrets of the world and finds his security with emotional attachments. He is the one who wants hugs and kisses and who acts out in anger when he is angry. His questions to me are far more self validating:
“Mom… am I strong?”
“Do I look handsome?”
“Do you think I’m smart?”
Owen worries about things that Matthew doesn’t. Matt is far more concerned with the state of the world and religious corruption or politics and science where as Owen needs to know that he is loved above all else. His comfort is not in knowing all of the information but in wanting to know what everyone else is thinking.
Matt has a passion for calculating and assessing situations and Owen has a passion for people. He, at four years old, has vowed to die for his siblings and becomes wounded when someone is mean to him. Everyone is Owen’s best friend and he will do anything for them. At the very same time, Owen is a constant worrier and lacks confidence. This doesn’t make him give up but it does make him fight. I have always called Owen the warrior of the family because he will do what he feels needs to be done to see things through to the other side.
Olivia is the free spirit. She is brilliant and spontaneous. If Audrey Hepburn farted and that fart stood up and started talking to you, it would be Olivia. She is a great beauty, so intelligent and witty, charming and quick witted,sweet and kind and talented. But… she is also a fire cracker and will lash out before you even know what has hit you. She’s a diva in every sense of the word but she is also honest and loving and silly.
Piss her off, though, and she’ll punch you square in the eye. No joke. She will fuck you up.
As girly as Olivia is, she is also very crude. She gets naked every opportunity that she has and spits on people when they get on her nerves. She has a mean side to her that you don’t see very often but when you do, she lets loose. She will not be ignored, a trait she shares with Owen and when one of them speaks to you you had better be listening because if you don’t then they will kick your ass.
Then there is Emi. Emi is spoiled like crazy and not just by me and Dean. Emi is spoiled by Matt, Owen and Olivia. They obsess over her, baby her like crazy, fret over everything she does. They sing to her, play games with her and do anything necessary to make her laugh. Emi is a lucky baby because she is drowning in love and adoration from her older siblings. She sparks interesting conversations between me and the older kids:
Owen: Mom, if anyone ever hurts Emi I will kill them.
Me: Um… that’s certainly something, Owen. But don’t kill anyone.
Owen: Well, I would give my life to her and to Olivia or Matt, too.
Me: You are a great brother, Owen.
Olivia: When I grow up I want to have a baby just like Emi.
Me: You would be very lucky. Emi is a good girl.
Olivia: Yes, she is a good girl and she is growing up just like I did. She is growing so big now.
Olivia: Mommy, I love my baby...
Matt: Mom, I think the baby is wet.
Me: Matt, I just changed her.
Matt: Do it again. I don’t want her sitting in a wet diaper for even a minute. And, I think she’s hungry.
Me: She just ate.
Matt: Then don’t let anyone near her. Owen and Olivia are running around. Make sure they don’t accidentally run her over.
Me: I got it, Matt.
Matt: Maybe I’ll just sit here and make sure.
Oh, yes. Emi is spoiled rotten. Everyone loves her, watches her every move, brags on her and smothers her with attention. And, she just eats it up. She lights up when one of her siblings come near. Even the cat follows her every move and comes up to her trying to make her smile.
My babies are amazing. If the only thing they ever accomplish is existing then the world is a better place.
I am so lucky.