New Years is coming and this means one thing: Parties!
As one crafty sumbitch, of course I sit around and plan out ways to make our New Year’s celebration something special and, as usual, I shall share these ideas with the rest of you kids so that you might also engage in some crazy shit, too. This one is an easy one, a new take on an old favorite. I give to thee….
The Disco Ball Pinata:
You will need—
-balloon (as round as you can find)
-glittery or shiny wrapping paper
-blue paint (not required, but adds a nice touch)
***Blow up your balloon as big as you want and then make your paste. Add flour and water and mix it up really well until you have it a decent working consistency. Not tooooo watery, but not thick and gummy, either. Sort of like pancake batter works well. Add a few tablespoons of salt to prevent molding.
Tear up tiny strips of newspaper and dip them into the paste. It’ll be ridiculously disgusting and it’ll smell like shit, too, but it won’t stain anything so have no fear on that account. Layer those nasty strips of newspaper all over the balloon leaving a fist sized hole in the back somewhere. Keep loading that crap on there until it’s pretty thick and once dry will be able to hold the loot but not so thick that you’ll have to run it over with the car to break the son of a bitch open. I’ve made this mistake before, believe me. I’ve had throngs of frustrated children whacking away and sweating their asses off trying to bust these things until an adult had to step in and cut it open with a boxcutter. Take it easy, there. Don’t go too nuts.
Once this thing is a great, big, disgusting mess stick it somewhere for a couple of days to dry. Then, just leave it the fuck alone until it gets hard.
Once… uh… you’ve gotten it hard (snicker) then you get to have some fun.
Get out your tin foil and your shiny wrapping paper and cut little square shaped pieces out. Cut an assload of them because you’re gonna need it. Before you start laying them on you need to pop that pesky balloon and get it the fuck out of there. Then, one by one and in rows that encircle the ball, glue the shiny squares to the ball. If you like, and just to make the whole thing look more polished, you can paint the ball blue before gluing the squares on there.
Do that shit until it is completely covered but before you close it up… you gotta shove things in it. It’s New Years, so go crazy. I like to throw in confetti, candy, poppers, snap pops, and all sorts of festive shit for the kiddies and if you’re having an adult party then you can have some real fun and throw in multicolored condoms, keychain bottle openers, a handful of rohypnol and a few sample packets of the morning after pill. Oh, yeah. And some candy and confetti and all that shit.
Once you’ve stuffed your ball then you get to close it up by just taping or gluing a couple of layers of newspaper over the hole and then slapping on some of the shiny squares to hide it.
Hang the thing smack in the middle of the living room for your party and then once everyone is good and drunk you can reveal that it’s a pinata and get the party started…LOL.
It’s cheap, it’s
disgusting easy and it’s fun. Seriously… try it out!
And as a side dish to all the fun, let’s think safety.
Grab a big, honkin’ coffee canister and glue pictures of the mutilated bodies of victims killed by drunk drivers. Write in big letters across the front of it:
Because no one wants to know that they allowed someone from their party to leave piss drunk only to kill my Grand Caravan full of kids on the road. So, if you’re having a party with booze, please have a cab company on call or a room with plenty of floor space and some spare blankets and keep those fuckers off the road. And, from this point until the New Year, expect a post from me every day barating the idiots who drive while under the influence because I truly have a deep, intense loathing for those cocksuckers.
Happy New Years!