Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

plucked out of nowhere December 27, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:04 pm

My two year old daughter, Olivia likes to sit really close to me as I’m applying makeup and, usually, I’ll let her “do her face” so long as she’s staying in the house. I’ll pass her pale colored eyeshadows and lip gloss and she will sit there with me very seriously and make herself gorgeous. I actually enjoy doing this with her because it pleases me that she is interested in being like me and of all the things I do for my kids to potentially mimic, this one will get her in the least amount of trouble. I don’t let her walk out of the house looking like a hooker and she doesn’t make a big mess or anything and so I’m alright with this for the most part.

The downside to this is that she will take it upon herself from time to time to get my makeup out herself and she’ll choose the darkest colors imaginable. She’ll have green eyeliner smeared across her nose and mascara in her hair and it’s a disaster so I try to keep up on her. Really, she has nothing to complain about. I’ll even let her paint her nails and toenails by herself from time to time so long as I put her on a big sheet and keep a very steady eyeball on her. My mom never would have let me play with nail polish. Because, she is a bitch.

Yesterday, Olivia successfully superglued her eyelids to her eyebrows and it is exactly this sort of thing that makes me think, “Where in the fuck did she get superglue? Do WE have superglue??” Sure, I suppose my first thought should be, “Oh my god.. my baby! Her eyes are going to dry out, shrivel up and fall out of her face!” but….no. I’m more fascinated with how in the hell she acquired the superglue in the first place because, frankly, I don’t really keep it around for anything. I’m a hot gluer… something I feel is relatively safe because by the time one of my kids has hunted down the gun and the glue sticks and plugged it in… by the time it has gotten hot enough to glue anything… I have noticed. I’m stealthy like that, quick like a fox, I say.

But superglue….. how in the hell did she get superglue???

However she did it, she applied a hefty amount to her eyes thinking it was makeup. The result was that her eyelids were stuck to her eyebrows. After pondering how in the hell she accessed the junk, it was business time. The eyelids, surprisingly, came unstuck rather easily. The eyebrows, however, are still stuck from the glue. I can’t get the superglue out of them and she sort of looks like Rip Torn because she froze the damned things up and spiky and I’m afraid to attempt to scrape the glue off because I am fairly convinced that her eyebrows will come off along with it.

Is there a waiting period in which it should wear off enough to not fully remove the eyebrows? Is there something I can use to remove it altogether that won’t hurt her? This sucks because Olivia is just so damned pretty. Had it happened to an ugly kid it might have been an improvement but Olivia… she’s just more attractive than most little girls.

But now she looks like the Devil. Sigh.

On another note, I hurt myself yesterday. And I’m really glad there were no witnesses because I was butt neckid when I did it and it was terribly un-graceful. There I was about to get into the shower. I had gotten naked and went to locate a towel. On my way back to the shower (I was in my room so it’s not like I was just gallivanting around the house in the nude) I suddenly caught something between my toes and went flying.

Had this happened in slow motion it would have been pretty disgusting, really. In slow motion, I was flapping through the air with my tits in the wind until my face made contact with the doorway. In a split second, it was all over and with my face aching, I turned to face my attacker.

It was a bullet proof vest.

“Goddamn it!” I yelled at the Kevlar jacket. “You’re supposed to SAVE lives NOT take them, you asshole!”

I then proceeded to stand there naked and furious and yell at the thing as if it were a person. “Just what the fuck are you doing on the floor, then, HUH???” I accused it of intentionally tripping me up to impress his friends who mingled on the floor nearby. I glared at a gas mask before turning to a trenching tool and a pair of desert goggles and shooting them both dirty looks. I spat at a ruck sack in the doorway to the bathroom knowing that that is what would have struck next had the bullet proof vest not taken me down. A pistol belt sniggered in the corner.

Dean needs to pick up his shit.

This junk is, quite literally, all over my house and I am sick of it. I’m sick of the smell of Army all over the place and I’m sick of the never ending amount of sand that comes out of it from god knows where at this point. I’m sick of the kids playing with the stuff and I’m sick of listening to Dean scream at them for it.

The other day, they found the voice changer. I think it goes to Dean’s gas mask but I’m not really sure, but I do know that it costs thousands and thousands of dollars and the kids should NOT be playing with it. I, however, can’t blame them one bit because the voice changer is pretty cool. It’s a very heavy device that screws to your face, somehow… like I said, I think it screws to the gas mask… and with the flip of a switch, you sound like Darth Vader.

I gotta be honest here. Why the hell do they have these things??? Night vision goggles, I understand…. but Darth Vader machines? Why the need to sound like that out in the desert? Of course the kids want to play with it! I think the military needlessly spends money on junk they don’t use sometimes just to have my children dismantle it in seconds.

I would like to fill you all in on a secret that you might not know about. It makes the Darth Vader voice changer seem really, really stupid when you hear this:

When Dean went to the Middle East, they sent along his truck (humvee) to save him. That might NOT sound ridiculous until you hear that his truck was made out of plastic. Guess what does not stop an i.e.d? Hell, guess what does not stop a bullet??? That’s right. Dean’s truck.

Now, I’ve written blogs before about Dean’s shoddy equipment. I’ve written about how he has had, not one… but TWO M-16’s that were faulty enough that had he fired off a shot his head would have been blown to pieces. Let’s put a busted ass rifle in a soldier’s hand and then protect him with a Rubbermaid truck.

Awww… this reminds me of something else. One time, Dean went to lock up his truck for the night and he heard mewing coming from inside. He poked all over the thing looking for the source of the mewing and couldn’t find it. Finally, he popped the hood piece up and inside was a mama cat who had birthed a litter of kittens in there. He didn’t know what to do as it was about ten degrees outside and so he brought the entire family home to keep warm and get healthy. The mama was malnutritioned and the babies were tiny and so Dean nursed them back to health and found good homes for all of them.

Perhaps they mistook his shitty truck for a cardboard box or something. I dunno. It’s certainly possible.

You know, I imagine Dean sitting in his truck at times with his driver or whoever next to him, the two of them fooling around with the voice changer…”Luuuuuke…. I am your FATHERRRR” when a bullet zips through the door and kills him.

I think the voice changer is made of kevlar.



6 Responses to “plucked out of nowhere”

  1. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I wish I had a bullet proof vest and some super glue…I got nothing cool:(

  2. Rocketstar Says:

    I want the voice changer.

  3. the108 Says:

    BRIAN: What are you talking about?? You have…. me 🙂

    ROCKET: Maybe ours could come up “missing”.

  4. Travis Says:

    The think you really have to watch out for is the helmet.

  5. Mr. Fabulous Says:

    I am going to be completely honest with you, because we have that kind of relationship.

    That whole scene with you naked and screaming at the vest?

    I’ll be masturbating to that later.

  6. Olga, the Traveling Bra Says:

    Hey there…I got tagged with your archive meme…& thought it would be fun/interesting to track down the source…25 blogs (from Hawaii-Australia-So. Africa-Asia-Guatamala-& back to the USA)later…I FOUND YOU & I gotta say I love your style! You’ll probably see me hanging around here again! 🙂

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