Tonight I went to see my shrink Dave and barged into his office and scared the piss out of him. Dave is worried that I will be driving alone at some point when I shall completely snap and drive off a bridge. And, he is being serious.
I told him that there is no chance of that seeing as how my car is totalled and I won’t be driving anywhere for a while.
He was not amused.
It was, however, a productive session. He fed me tissues and I sobbed hysterically and completely freaked out.Then, I returned home where I learned something interesting:
Poor people have no business making Wish Lists on Amazon.com. Seriously. We go apeshit with desire. Suddenly, EVERYTHING is something that must be had. It’s crazy. And, I had very little responsibility in making these Wish Lists. My older three made up their own which was funny because what they thought they were doing was “research for Santa”. They think they have now emailed him their Christmas lists complete with pictures. Ha!
I, did, however have Emi’s list to do and it was very difficult. I made the fatal error of typing in a very vague search request: TOYS– BABY–AGE 6-24 MONTHS.
Don’t ever do that!!!
I looked at 6,000 toys. I sat here forever and clicked “next” over and over again until my eyeballs started to burn. I knew I should stop but it was like a train wreck and I just had to see more. And MORE! MOOOORE!!!! It was pretty pathetic, really.
By the end of this whole list making shindig I (a)never want to look at toys again, (b) discovered that my kids have some very strange requests when allowed to make lists on their own and (c) have not only just taken part in the composing of the longest Christmas Lists of all time, but I have also just decided that anything left over off of these list will simply spill over into the Springtime birthday madness that are the months of February through June.
I have a February birthday (Olivia), March birthday (Owen), April birthday (Matthew) and a June birthday (Emi)…(who was almost born in May which could have been much worse.)
The good thing about these birthdays??? Tax returns.
So, at the requests of Becky and Erin, I shall now present to you all the Wish Lists. They’re may-jah. Can someone look at these things and tell me whether or not my kids are nuts??? When I was a kid I asked for Barbie’s and My Little Pony’s… which to be perfectly fair are essentially what Olivia has asked for. Matthew, however, has asked for a full sized model of the human body. Um… from the inside.
I did a fair amount of editing to these lists as Matthew had put on there a computer, a grand piano, and an iPOD. I couldn’t believe it and quickly removed the 400 dollar Power Wheels that Owen had stuck on his list and the 250 dollar life sized animatronic horse that Olivia included.
Looking back on it… I wonder if they only did that so I wouldn’t shit my pants over fifty dollar Lego sets.
I wish to compare my kids’s Christmas lists with those belonging to the children of any of my readers. I want to know if my greedy, little turds are insane or if all children make lists like this. Because these ones are crazy.