Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

K-Fed, a shetland sheepdog, a dumb ass and Hannibal Lecter walk into a bar…. November 29, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:00 am

Owen, for some reason unknown to me, has started dressing like K-Fed. It’s his new “look” he says. This look means pairing expensive pants with wife beaters every day and making damn sure that his underwear is visible at all times. He thinks he looks extremely hardcore, however, I’m not sure how hardcore someone can look in Underoo wife beaters and Spongebob underpants.

Seriously. Maybe it’s just me.

I worry that the next thing I’ll be seeing is him strapped with a loaded water gun tucked into the waistband of his Osh Kosh B’gosh pants or maybe one of the random objects that he pretends are guns. Like the toilet brush.

Olivia has developed a strange habit herself that involves running around the living room in perfect circles like a sheepdog. She just runs and runs and runs all the while screaming, “my legs are tired!” over and over again. Your legs are tired? No shit!

Matthew’s good behavior streak ended abruptly yesterday when I got a call from his teacher because Matt called him stupid. We now have a meeting with the teacher on Friday and Matthew’s ass has had a meeting with the corner wall of his bedroom. It was a very long meeting.

I swear to god the minute that boy walked in the door after school yesterday he knew what was coming. I could not believe it. Never in a million years would I call one of my teachers stupid to their face. Behind their backs, yes- all the time- but to their face? Fuck no!

He is very grounded right now.

Emi bit me on the nose the other day and she has been grounded as well. She bit me hard, too, with her one, little, sharp ass tooth. My eyes watered. I went in for a kiss and was immediately assaulted and I’m not going to lie here: it hurt like a son of a bitch. Baby teeth are sharp.

In her defense, she has a couple of other teeth trying to burst through her gums and so I’m assuming that she simply saw an opportunity for relief and took it. Surely she underestimated the power of her tiny, gnashing jaws, though because that baby put down some force and I honestly wondered if I was going to require stitches.

You know those parents who try to break their children’s biting habits by biting them back? Those people are retards. I just thought I’d give my opinion on that for no real reason.

Any ways.


3 Responses to “K-Fed, a shetland sheepdog, a dumb ass and Hannibal Lecter walk into a bar….”

  1. Mr. Fabulous Says:

    Maybe there are just too many of them. Toss a few of them into foster care. Thin the herd. That should help.

  2. Brian in Mpls Says:

    lol….does he wear a chain too?

  3. Julie Says:

    Write a book dear Kyra….then I can read your stuff all the time!

    Make sure you autograph it!

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