Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Life amongst the dead November 27, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:06 pm

Here is my problem with dead people: They are always spying on me.

I never used to worry that dead people were watching my every move but then I started watching that psychic lady, Lisa Williams on Lifetime and it got me paranoid. I challenge anyone to watch that lady at work and still not believe in psychics and clairvoyants. She’s fucking amazing and I’ve found that when I want a good laugh, I watch I Love New York and when I want to cry or possibly shit my pants, I’ll watch Lisa Williams.

At first, it was just sort of spellbinding and I was fascinated by her. Then, I suddenly started to worry that my crazy mother in law was watching my every move and now I’m extremely weird about doing private things in private. I can’t pick my nose in an empty room anymore because I just know that horrid woman is watching me. I find myself creeping into the shower and trying to keep my privates covered up so she can’t see them. And you just know that sex with her son is out of the question. There is no way in hell I’m going to knock boots with Dean with his mom standing over us. That’s just mortifying.

I want to know how this works. I want to know if this woman is really watching me pop that pimple or if she respects my privacy. I want to know if she is fully aware of what goes on in our lives or if she is living it up in bliss or possibly spying on other people. I find the latter highly unlikely judging on the fact that she was OBSESSED with Dean. I hate knowing this woman now has access to my personal life when I worked so hard to keep her out of it while she was alive.

This makes me wonder who I’ll be spying on when I die and the answer is… everyone. I’m a naturally curious person and have, in the past, been likened to that of a raccoon. For instance, if you are a woman and you leave your purse unattended in my presence then I will look through it. If I’m having dinner at your house and have to use the bathroom, I’ll be in there for a good twenty minutes going through your shit. I won’t steal anything and I won’t judge you for the strange crap I find, but I will root through it. I simply cannot resist. Unless I am asked very nicely to not hunt through people’s stuff at which point my morals kick in and I leave well enough alone.

But, it’s very hard to fight the urge. I’m just snoopy like that and I’m way too fascinated by people and what goes on behind the obvious. This makes it very easy for me to know that when I die, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll have an eternity to spy on people and watch their every move.

I have a feeling that I’ll be someone who annoys psychics and mediums because I’ll never go away. I can see myself pestering the shit out of Lisa Williams by constantly asking her to give messages to people. I also see myself as gossiping about the other dead people I know to the living people I know. Like having someone tell Dean that Mozart waxes his asshole because he and Beethoven engage each other in butt sex or something. For some reason, I don’t think too much will change once I’m dead and most of my current friends will at the very least receive a good chuckle from time to time. I’ll do all kinds of things to let my loved ones know that I am with them. Perhaps Shannon will be in a Wal Mart and suddenly feel the warm, smelly breeze of a fart on her leg and she will smile sadly and know that I am in her presence. Or, Amanda will wake up one morning with leaves stuck to her eyelids and as she enjoys the aftermath of the swelling and itching, she’ll just know that I was there and she’ll think of me fondly. Perhaps my friend, Kass will be pumping gas and suddenly see the ghostly image of a bare assed person running crazy through the parking lot and she will smile. It’ll be very sweet of me.

I do know that I will spy on people all the time but I will also respect their privacy to a degree. Like, I have no interest in watching any of my kids have sex and I have no interest in watching Dean have sex with another woman. I also have no real desire to watch anyone take a crap or shower or anything like that. That’s all stuff I am forced to live now while I am still alive and seeing as how I wipe asses all day long and bathe shitloads of people every day, I’ll consider not having to to be a very special treat.

But everything else is fair game. I’ll be everywhere: weddings, school graduations, spring break vacations, 21st birthdays. I’ll always be watching out for the ones I love and maybe even some people who I can’t stand. Just because, by then, I’ll be able to.

Another thing I wonder about is other dead people being able to get on my nerves. Like, what if I am sitting there minding my own business spying on my kids or something and my obnoxious mother shows up and just won’t leave me alone. How does that work? Can I politely tell her to fuck off and will she have to or will she just be allowed to follow me around nagging at me about shit? Is there some kind of police officer I’ll be able to go to for help when I’m dead because some other dead person is stalking me? Will I be able to get some kind of dead person restraining order? Or, is that the price I pay?

That would really get on my nerves.

I wonder if I would ever “haunt” someone. I can see myself doing something like that. I have a long list of people I can’t stand and could potentially use my position as a ghost to really fuck them up if I felt so inclined.

My god. I’m going to have to get me one of those PDA’s or something once I’m dead because I am going to have so much to do. I wonder if I could get me a personal assistant or something to help me organize my extremely busy afterlife.

What would you do/haunt/watch over?


4 Responses to “Life amongst the dead”

  1. Bond Says:

    ok, so what is so wrong with watching someone in the shower, I never bother them..i just watch (and take notes – and maybe once a picture or twenty)

    OH wait…this is a dead person watching….

    good thing everything i just said was a tall tale..yup it was…

  2. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I have a list of people I would haunt the shit out of…

  3. Travis Says:

    I don’t think I’d haunt anyone. But I would go to ball games and affect the outcomes. Now that would be cool.

    What? It’s not cheating if I’m a ghost!

  4. Thomas Says:

    I most certainly believe that once one crosses over, they can do whatever they want, including observing what loved ones are up to.

    From what I’ve read, spirits do eventually break free of the earth, though, and concentrate on the heavenly realms for a time before (most likely) incarnating again (but not before having one’s past lives’ memory temporarily erased so as not to interfere with the life that one is presently living and trying to concentrate on).

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