I have been having some crazy vivid dreams lately that make no sense to me. I wish I was one of those amazing psychic people that can interpret dreams and tell you what the meanings hidden deep within them are.
In the past week, I have dreamed that I delivered twins even though my tubes are tied. A boy and a girl we named Luke and Kristen. In the dream, I marveled at the fact that I was pregnant even though I’m sterilized but it didn’t bother me. I loved those babies so much.
I have also dreamed that I got jack o’ lanterns tattooed to the outside of my ankle bones. In this same dream, I had been hired to sing at some club but when I showed up for work, they didn’t know any of my music and I didn’t know any of theirs. They shoved me up on the stage and I stood there terrified because I had no idea what I was supposed to be singing. It was bizarre.
Last night I dreamed that I danced with Al Jerreau. I don’t know why I was dancing with him but I did and it was lovely. The next thing I knew, I was being hidden in some girl’s room and I was changing my clothes and trying to run away from her mother. As I was sneaking out of her house, my brother was there sitting on her couch with some people I don’t recognize and I breezed past him and started home to my childhood home. When I got home, I went up to my room and there was a commotion outside. The neighbor boys were beating the crap out of someone and they were wearing some kind of uniform. It was weird.
My dreams are always very strange to me.So many of them have little references to my childhood or the people in my childhood and I wish I knew what they all meant. Maybe Dave will know if I bring it up with him. I am a firm believer that some kind of meaning is hidden in your dreams. I just wish I could clarify them.
Last night, I had a very hard time getting to sleep which was different than most nights. It was also odd because I had had turkey and champagne, two things that make me quite tired and I thought that I would fall asleep with ease, but I just couldn’t. I don’t know what was wrong with me last night.
Yesterday, I had my first nervous breakdown in a very long time. I haven’t cried in front of Dean in what seems like forever and then yesterday, I just lost it. It was triggered when I checked his upcoming paycheck online and saw that we are getting 350 bucks. This just hit me really hard because we were supposed to be getting some back pay and I was really holding out hope that it would happen so that I could do Christmas shopping. When I saw the shitty paycheck, I just fell apart.
Dean was angry that I had looked. He said, “God, Kyra… why do you even look at that shit??” and I flew off the handle at him and yelled that I looked because this is my family and my children, too and because I have a right to know what’s coming so I can plan and prepare responsibly. I sat in bed bawling and yelling at him for about thirty minutes about how I felt, how I had swallowed all of my feelings for the sake of everyone else and about how I just wanted to explode. I vomited out about a years worth of stress and unleashed every single bad thought and feeling on him. I called him selfish and untrustworthy and I told him I resented that I couldn’t count on him when I needed him. It was awful. He just sat there silently as I flew off the handle.
Immediately afterwards, I started apologizing. I had no idea what came over me. So, I hopped in the shower and vowed to just let the water wash all of the bad feelings away from me and then I would be all better.
But, I wasn’t all better. I tried to be, but I just wasn’t. I was suddenly so very tired and just wanted to sleep the time away. I gathered the children and Dean to watch a Christmas movie together and it was all too overwhelming and the minute the movie was over, I bolted to my bedroom and tried to go to sleep but I couldn’t. When I finally drifted off, my dreams were bizarre and I was dancing with Al Jerreau.
I woke up this morning and have no idea how to feel. I’m still overwhelmed and wanting silence. I feel… off. Does that ever happen to you? You feel sort of off but you don’t know why?
Today, we will decorate for Christmas and I will do laundry. Maybe.