I made the mistake of catching an episode of CSI: NY that had a character on it who had had a sewing needle lodged in his brain as an infant. He was some kind of weird genius time traveler and his genius was caused by the sewing needle. It was pretty wild and needless to say, it scared the shit out of me.
I’m half convinced that I need to make Emi wear a helmet like one of those retarded kids that falls down a lot or runs into walls from time to time. Ever since that episode of CSI I’ve become petrified of her head being punctured by random objects including sewing needles which are in abundance here at the compound as I sew a lot. Now, they are in a lock box of sorts, partly because Owen and Olivia like to stab each other with them and partly because you just never know when one might fly up and embed itself into the fontanel of an infant child.
Everything has potential as a weapon against Emi’s head now. I layed her down on a feather pillow last week only to suddenly jerk her right off the thing. I spent the next fifteen minutes closely inspecting her head for puncture wounds as I was sincerely convinced that she now had a feather in her brain and she would suffer some kind of bizarre bird disorder as a result. I envisioned her as having some kind of bird genius where she could fly and aimlessly wandered around pecking at things.
This is just the sort of thing I need to be discussing with Dave.
I do this a lot with television and it freaks me out to no end because everything is a possibility. As a child, I was terrified after seeing the movie Arachnophobia because to me it was perfectly logical that a deadly spider might hitch a ride in a coffin from one continent to another, mate with a common house spider and send it’s offspring on a killing spree. Made perfect sense. It still does, really.
I am very easily influenced by the shit I see on t.v. but only if I am interested or fascinated and only really in the sense that it plants suggestions in my head. Maybe it’ll be a fear such as poor Emi’s inevitable head incident or maybe it is just another spontaneous idea moment like a light bulb going off. I watch Project Runway and I’m instantly thinking, “Hey. I can do that.” and the next thing you know I have drawn out hundreds of sketches of clothing lines I am creating in my head. I am always getting really grand ideas from watching t.v. and it excites me and just about gets me off.
I’m restless and so I jump from one thing to another. My problem is that I’m good at a lot of things and also that I truly enjoy doing a lot of things. I love sewing and I love photography and I love using my hands to make things like furniture and such. I have an extraordinary vision of something entirely possible at all times but I just can’t ever seem to figure out what to do with it. Do I design clothing? Do I become a wedding planner? Do I start a photography business? Do I work as an interior designer? So many things and I just can’t stick with one thing because any of them are possibilities.
When it’s positive it’s frustrating and when it’s negative such as in the case of Emi’s brain, it is rather worrisome and obsessive. I enjoy frustration and also obsessing so I watch more and more television. It’s a very strange cycle.
All I want to do is create things. I sit here and in my head I have fashioned an amazing coffee table or designed the perfect dress and my hands twitch and groan sadly until I put a jigsaw or a ream of fabric in them and then they are happy. This is weird because it used to just be my brain that needed an outlet. This is why I started writing but now I don’t really enjoy writing anymore. I keep my blog because there is someone in Florida who seems to need something to read and I wish to provide it. Writing is more enjoyable for me when I have things to write about and this is lacking these days as I don’t seem to have much of a life.
I think this is why me and television have such a romantic relationship at this point and maybe also why all of my visions of creativity are a one man show, something I can do on my own without anyone else. I guess I am no longer a team player or something. Odd.
As I sit here writing this I am distracted by my plans to make Dean a full body pillow in the shape of a naked woman.