Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

things and stuff October 22, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:10 pm

I took Matt out for a Mommy day with me last weekend and we spent all of Saturday running errands and horsing around. Our fist stop was to the hair doctor where we had his hair hacked off and dyed black.

Calling it the Hair Doctor started after Matt’s first ever haircut and it happened because he was scared as hell of the barber but was not scared of doctors. I fixed his fear of barbers by telling him that they were hair doctors and that they would fix his hair and…. it worked. Long since grown out of that stage, it’s stuck and is still referred to as such.

The hair dressers love us. I get cursed out if I enter with any random child and leave Emi at home with Dean. Hair dressers are obsessed with babies. They are also obsessed with Olivia although she has never had a haircut before and Owen because of his big, blue eyes and dimples. Matt they adore because they can screw with him and it’s funny.

So, last weekend it was just the Matt-ster and I and after his haircut we spent the entire day shopping for Halloween craziness as it’s coming up very, very soon. We went and picked up the fabric for his Darth Maul costume and for Emi’s ewok and then later that night I stayed up sewing them until they were finished. Now, I just need to do a dry run on Matt’s face and make sure I’ve got the painting portion of it down really well. And… I have to find shoes.

And then they’ll be done. That is all I have to say on the subject, really.

So, I’m making Emi an appointment to have her kidney’s checked out and to have her tested for diabetes. This is my fourth child and none of them have ever peed as much as she does for the amount she eats. I’m rather surprised that no one checked her for these things after she was born because I had polyhydramnios which is usually caused by excess urination building up in utero by the fetus and is a red flag for kidney problems. I’m wondering if they weren’t just distracted by everything else going on after she was born what with spinal tapping her and going insane on her lungs. But at four months old, I’m officially worried about it and will be making her an appointment today to get checked out.

She’s also gaining a whole shitload of weight all of the sudden with no increase in food. As a mother, I find it adorable that she has turned into a great big fat ass but also as a mother, I have my eye on things.

Owen and Olivia are being assholes. There is no other way to put it, really, as all they do these days is kick the crap out of each other. Oh, and destroy things. I am constantly trying to come between them and stop them from beating each other whatever objects are within reach.

Although they have kicked it up a notch with the aggressive bullshit, they are still best of friends and will burst into tears if one is afraid for the other one. For example, the other day, Olivia spotted a bug that she was convinced was nothing other than a murderous predator who’s soul mission was to hunt Owen down and inject him with potent and lethal amounts of venom.

It was a ladybug.

However, Olivia absolutely freaked the fuck out when the ladybug disappeared from her line of sight and she was seriously convinced that it had gone after Owen and was going to kill him and so she tried to grab Owen and drag him to the safety of the living room where I was. She was in absolute hysterics, tears pouring out of her eyeballs and snot running from her nose as she clung to her brother and tried to drag him from his room by the arm.

He hadn’t a clue what her fucking problem was and so he was kicking her ass right back and screaming at her to let go of him but she wouldn’t. I finally went and dragged them both out into the living room and Owen looked bewildered as to what the hell was going on and Olivia was still sobbing, heaving great big gulps of air into her little lungs and sniffling and trying to explain her actions. The bug was going to get Owen, she said. She had to save him from the man eating…. ladybug.

I have no idea why she got so freaked out because she had the damned ladybug crawling on her finger for a good long while before it flew off and at that point, she fucking lost it.

Who knows. But this sort of thing is going on a lot lately.

As Emi is getting older, her relationships with the older kids is growing. Matt has always had a special bond with Emi since he was there for the birth and so he is delighted at the new things she has discovered she can do. He is also obsessed with her teeth, none of which have popped through her gums yet. He, however, is doing daily checks.

Owen, the snuggler of the family, is snuggling her. He just wants to lay with her all day long and kiss on her and exclaim his deep affection for her, to her.

Olivia has gone from being slightly possessive to inquisitive i.e. “Why do we have a baby, Mommy?” and “So, where did we get that baby?”. Unfortunately, Olivia has also grown to see Emi as her plaything and likes to try to pick her up and haul ass with her.This means that unless I am with Emi at all times, she must be bolted down or Olivia is going to try to abduct her.

The first time this happened, I was in the kitchen making lunch for the Little’s and Emi was lying on a blanket on the floor with some toys and the Wiggle’s on. Big Red Car was playing and all was quiet as Olivia and Emi both sat transfixed by the awesomeness that is the Wiggle’s and then the song ended. I peeked over the bar and all was fine. I turned to add some salad dressing to Olivia’s salad and the next thing I heard was Emi starting to fuss. Once again, I snuck a peek over the bar and there was Olivia, baby in her arms trying to sneak up the hallway.

And this is where a mother has to use her brain because if I screamed and ran at Olivia, she would have jumped a mile, pissed her pants and dropped the baby and then I would have had to yell at her for pissing her pants. (No, not really.) But, I did have to move rather quickly and calmly to prevent any such incidence and I was rather marveling at the fact that Olivia could even lift the little stubby toe of a baby as she has gotten to be quite the porker.

In my head, I said something like, “ACK!” but in real life, I just sort of said, “Oh… no no no no no, Livvie” and as I had her mesmerized by the string of no no no’s I crept up to her and liberated the baby. And then I had one of those talks that a mom has from time to time that involves kneeling down and calmly explaining things.

Now, when I have to leave the room, I just duct tape Emi to the wall well out of reach of Olivia. I figure that by the time she gets a stool and successfully rips off all those strips of duct tape I’ll be finished peeing or switching out the laundry and so far, so good.

It makes me sad to know that by now people will still wonder if I’m being serious and therefore, I feel I need to put a disclaimer stating that I do not actually duct tape my daughter to the wall and by doing so, I have just ruined an otherwise hilarious visual.


I need to take some updated pictures of the stub toe later today and post them.Then, you can all revel in her delightful chubbiness.


4 Responses to “things and stuff”

  1. Turnbaby Says:

    You don’t duct tape her to the wall? What kind of a mother are you??;-)

  2. Rocketstar Says:

    duct tape is amazing stuff.

  3. Susie PSU Says:

    It’s like when you call your best friend and say “I’m gonna BEAT these kids…” They know you WON’T, you just say it to feel better. I like the duct tape story and visual. I think I’ll keep it.

  4. Travis Says:

    I LMOO before the disclaimer, so it’s all good.

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