the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

I’m a total pussy September 13, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 12:11 am

Today was a very emotional day for the ladies of the house.

Owen started school.

There were tears of sadness, a little bit of yelling, dropping to the floor to kick and scream and flail about in a complete tantrum takeover of the entire body for several sweaty hours. There was sniffling and sobbing and whining. There was moping.

And Olivia was none too happy about this, either.

But seriously, folks… I cried. I didn’t cry when Matt started school and didn’t think for one second that I would cry about O starting but I did. And I didn’t stop crying, either. I cried when I woke him up. I cried when I walked him to the bus. I cried as I kissed him goodbye and as the bus drove away. And then, after a few hours, I composed myself and for some unknown reason began bawling again the minute he got home.

And yet, I also wanted to smack him a good one because he was being a real dick about the whole thing, really.

I don’t think he could have done anything more to rub this shit in Olivia’s face than he did. And boy was she pissed about it, too. The thing that sucks was that I had to take Olivia and Emi with me to walk Owen to the bus stop and to see him off and I think that Olivia truly thought she was going too. She stood on the curb watching that bus drive away and her face just transformed in a way that I have never seen before.

First, it started to look a little red and blotchy.
Then, it started to bloat up.
Then, her eyeballs kind of began to poke out of her head a little bit.
I saw a tear roll down her cheek.
The lower lip almost fell off her face.
And then she screamed bloody fucking murder.

This child was so upset that I think she probably gained the strength of a thousand men. She probably, at that moment, could have lifted an airplane off of a house. It was insane. She was so fucking pissed off that I backed away. First, I tried to console her but the second I got too close she gave my the “look”… you know the one I’m talking about. You usually see it on the face of a woman in labor or perhaps one who is in the throws of the worst period of her life. The look clearly says, “Come near me and I will scratch your fucking eyes out, shove them down your throat, stomp on you until you fart them back out and then put them back on your face so that you can see me as I ruin your fucking life.”

Yes. THAT look. That’s the one I got. And you can bet your sweet ass that I backed up as if Olivia was ablaze with fire shooting out of her face. Man, was she mad.

It was a rough morning. And then Dickface gets home and proceeds to gloat and act ridiculous about the whole thing like he is so much better than everyone else now. I asked him how his day was and he replied with, “Fiiiiiine. I was at SCHOOL you know.” and so I asked him what he did today and he sighed and said, “I did SCHOOL stuff, Mom, jeesh! I was busy. I worked hard. What else do you need to know??”

Well, then fuck you, too, Owen.

He is so funny, though. I swear to god he walked around the house for an hour after school today looking for the very best spot to put his backpack. No spot was ideal. It was terribly awesome.

Ever since he got home he has been talking to Olivia as if she is retarded. And she is responding to this by beating his goddamned teeth in. I’m allowing him to go right ahead and be all condescending because Matthew spends about 85% of every day informing Owen that Olivia is smarter than he is. Owen gets upset and frustrated and I’m not sure what to do about it, really. Olivia is two and can:

-write her name
-draw a decent picture
-wipe her own ass
-count to twenty
…. in spanish
-add
-subtract
-identify every color of the rainbow
-identify all of her shapes
-say the entire alphabet
-sing songs after hearing them once
-list every animal in the animal dictionary we have

Owen is four and he can:

-Bite people until they bleed
-lift heavy objects and hit you with them
-Identify every curse word in the Urban Dictionary
-tell you what different insects taste like
-explain the back story to every super hero/villain in Marvel and DC history
-identify the color red if red were actually green

Yeah, Owen has different priorities other than academics. He’s far more physically gifted and had been rollerblading and dominating the dodgeball circuit for years. But I think that he is going to change in this way a little bit because he really likes to learn how to do things like read and count and other boring shit like that.

O usually reacts to Matthew’s insistence that Olivia is smarter than he is by kicking the shit out of him but every once in a while, he looks hurt and then I feel compelled to kick the shit out of Matt myself. Matthew has issues sometimes with tact. Yesterday, Olivia got all dressed up like a princess and we did her hair and painted her face and then Matthew walks in after school and says, “Why do you look so ugly, Olivia?”

Literally, that was the first thing out of his mouth. The first thing out of my mouth?

“Get your ass in your room.”

Poor Olivia. And now, she is taking it from Owen today but I’m going to ignore it and chalk it up to him being extremely proud of his accomplishments in school today.

And here I am tearing up again. How is it that I am SO bad ass but yet such a crumbling, little weenie at the same time???

Sigh. My kids bring out the total pussy in me.

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8 Responses to “I’m a total pussy”

  1. Susie PSU Says:

    You survived. That’s all you can hope for on a day when you have a child starting school. Poor Olivia…but her day will come! It’ll be great when she’s reading before kindergarten starts!!

  2. Turnbaby Says:

    *waves from a distance* Hi mom!!

  3. Rocketstar Says:

    That is impressive for 2

  4. ian Says:

    And here I’ve spent the entire evening being a shitty father. You go, girl.

    Ian

  5. ian Says:

    (this riddle has been bothering me forever)

    Is it a sunset?

  6. Brian in Mpls Says:

    Baby einstien:)

  7. Colette, aka Lil Sis Says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t cry when you sent Matt off! I get terrified whenever I think about sending Logan to Kindergarten!

  8. the108 Says:

    SUSIE: Wouldn’t that be something???

    TURN: Hi, Turn!

    ROCKET: I tend to think sooooo…lol.

    IAN: Whatever!!! I doubt that there is a shitty bone in your body 🙂

    IAN: The answer was…. a heart.

    BRIAN: Somethin’, huh?

    COLETTE: Oh, you’ll be a puddle on the floor…lol.


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