Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

A Tad Peevish September 11, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 4:53 am

It just wouldn’t be a day if I didn’t switch moods a million times and go off on some kind of raving tangent about things that annoy me. That being said….

I am about sick and tired of these hot actresses securing their Oscar bids by playing super butt-ugly weirdos. Make Charlize Theron fat and nasty and it’s considered the greatest acting in the history of the universe. Stick a big, honkin’ prosthetic nose on Nicole Kidman and you got Golden Globes, baby. Squinty ass Renee Zellwegger puts on 20 pounds and she’s considered obese and we must all be sickened by her giant granny panties. And for god’s sakes, if you reduce Jennifer Aniston to your average American blue collar drug store employee, then everyone sits gawking at her as if she suddenly burst into flames of greatness.

If you see a truly ugly person in a movie or a ridiculously fat person, then it’s because the character is supposed to fat and ugly and nine times out of ten it’s a super attractive person made up to be hideously disgusting.

This makes it hard for truly hideous and disgusting people to find work in Hollywood. And it annoys me.

You know what else annoys me? People who own very fancy knives and don’t know how to use them. Like, you see someone with a $600 set of kitchen knives and they are slooooowly chopping away at a carrot.

Fuck you. If you have the goods then you need to be going all kinds of ninja crazy with those motherfuckers. I wanna see shit flying up in the air and then landing in tiny, perfectly symmetrical little rows on the cutting board.

Are you like me? Do you ever get aggravated when people own things they can’t use only to make themselves look all high speed?

Like those shitheads who have pretty much purchased every single goddamned thing there is in the Sharper Image catalogue. You know who I’m talking about. You’ll show up at their houses and look around and see, like, some insane blender, 85 different gizmos to cook a chicken, tools and bullshit that could probably detail your car but is supposed to open a jar… then you see these assholes eating t.v. dinners and you look int their fridges just to see expired mayo and beer.

I also get very annoyed with people who tend to over decorate their bathroom. A bathroom needs only a few essential items: a trash can, a sink, a shitter, a shower curtain, bathmat and maybe a toothbrush holder.

It does not require a small couch or a decorative, wrought iron toadstool as a doorstop. Nor does it require some incredibly high tech toilet brush scrubber holder, wicker toilet paper holder or five sectioned laundry receptacle. It also has little need for a fancy toilet seat that is made of glass and has dollar bills or dolphins floating in it.

The only thing more annoying than that crazy shit is seasonal redecoration of your bathroom. My mother is a prime example of everything that is wrong with women and bathrooms. Here are a few examples:

My mother cross stitched and embroidered little wall hangings of adorable little critters taking shits. Each of them had some outrageous quote or comment on them that was a not so subtle hint to people to please put the seat back down when you finished shitting. And it gets worse. Some of them had stupid poems on them.

In edition to wasting her fucking time being adorable, she also wove about a million baskets to keep things in.

Everything had to be kept in something.

The tissues had to be perched on the back of the toilet in it’s own decorative, little box and the toilet paper had a wee, teeny holder in the corner and more so outrageous than that was that she had decorative dixie cup holders. Even though there was no reason to keep dixie cups as no one used them.

If the bathroom did not have a window this fucking lady would have my dad tear out a wall and put one in just so that she could make a window treatment to match the shower curtain.

Which changed with each and every holiday, mind you.

Oh, yes. My mother took holiday towels to a whole new level. Maybe it started as simply as throwing out a few towels one year but over time this freakishly obsessive little quirk about her turned into a full fledged personality disorder. Dead leaves and pine cone wreathes and snowman trash cans and different colored candles to match every theme… you seriously would have thought this bitch would eventually wheel in mannequins and turn the shitter into a Macy’s window scene.

She put dolls in there. I don’t think I need to say anything more on the subject.

And one more:

Today, I was in a parents support group and last week we had been making up the rules and someone asked if we would be allowed to cuss. Okay, to be fair… I was cussing left and right and the guy in charge felt the need to ask everyone if they were offended. Okay, whatever. No one was offended. I assumed that we had all decided mutually that we were all adults here and that no one was going to give a fuck if someone dropped a bomb or not and then today, the head duder passed out the list of rules he had printed off for each of us and it said, “No cursing” on it.

Naturally, I enquired about this. I raised my hand and said something like, “Okay, so we came to a decision then about cursing?”

This was met by a lecture on how cursing is showing that you have no respect for yourself or others and I sat quietly listening to this remarkably stupid speech and then when he stopped speaking we all just looked at him.

“No offense or anything,” I said. “But that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

I went on to say that it is disrespectful to verbally attack someone or to speak in a derogatory manner at someone but that dropping a curse word is nothing more than using powerful words to colorize your statements and that to claim that it has anything to do with self respect is being extremely melodramatic and after school specially about something that doesn’t really need to be taken so seriously.

And then a few people in our group piped up about how offensive cursing is and how it certainly is disrespectful and I continued to think that it was all ridiculous however….

each of these assholes busted out with no less than five naughty naughties apiece during this class. I felt like had to speak up about how stupid that is just to have everyone agree with the teachers and then they all let them fly anyhow. Morons.

As a result, I yelled at anyone who cursed for the remainder of our session.

The teachers don’t like me because I argue with them and make them feel shitty. Dean sits there and laughs. Here is an example of me being a pain in the ass during class today:

I asked an extraordinary question in reference to balancing out just how I were to encourage my children to maintain individualism while still allowing room for them to fit in and feel comfortable with their peers and society in whole. Basically, if I dumb it down, which I had to do today for the Jerry Springer Show rejects as Dean calls them, how do I encourage my kids to be themselves, express themselves, and still be approachable to other kids who are very choosy as to whom they hang out with. In other words, I don’t want to tell my kids that others will find them weird and so they need to conform to normalcy.

Basically, be different in any way you feel like it but know that people might not like you.

By the time I got anyone to understand what the fuck I was asking, the head guy in more words, told me an adorable story about his kid wanting to buy a funky hat. He told his kid, ‘If you buy that funky hat then people might not like you.”

I told him that I feel it is important that a kid understand and acknowledge the ignorance behind that. He and everyone else stared at me like I had just spoken french to a group of people who don’t understand french.

And then, this black guy next to me tells a story about how his kid wanted to wear thug clothes and that he told him that people would hate him if he did.

Yes. I know this. But it is still bigotry. Telling someone that the color or funkiness of their hat matters is,to me, sort of like telling them that the color or the funkiness of their skin matters and it’s all stupid.

I am aware of people’s ignorance as I am also disgusted by it and it is because of this that I was asking the parenting expert how I teach a fair balance of this with my children.

At any rate, no one knew what the fuck I was talking about and Dean was just sitting there laughing again and so I just shut up altogether.

These people were going around asking each of us questions and they were grading them on their level of difficulty and awarding points for good answers. When they got to me they asked, “What do you think is the healthiest way that you express your feelings?”

I answered them with, “Just expressing them is healthy. The fact that I don’t internalize is healthy. With the exception of lashing out and hurting yourself and others, all forms of emotional expression is healthy and one cannot pinpoint which one is best other than personally and on an individual basis.”

Blank stares. And then they awarded me “a gajillion points.”

I volunteered to this parenting class even though it was never recommended to me because it is called “Parenting with Stress” and I’M stressed so I thought it would be useful…but after a few sessions, I’m upset because I don’t feel like I’m going to learn anything. They pass out papers with, like, listings of different words for different emotions and I am looking for some solid advice and answers. When I ask questions, everyone looks at me like I’m off my rocker. And Dean doodles and laughs. The whole damned thing frustrates me because I want to get something out of it, you know?

I could go on for days about that things that get me irrationally pissed off. Maybe I need anger management.


6 Responses to “A Tad Peevish”

  1. Lois Grebowski Says:

    …next thing you know they’ll start how to use the bathroom classes (in keeping with your bathroom theme).


  2. Dixiechick Says:

    Some people just go to extremes, don’t they?

  3. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I know for a fact we are related cause if I sat down and wrote all of the stuff that bugged me I would be writting for the rest of my fucking

  4. MARFSBABY Says:

    Girl, I need to have a chat with your mom so I can tell her to float Pointsettia’s in the toilet at Christmas and various fall colored leaves in there for Thanksgiving. It makes a festive holiday touch and interesting dinner table conversation don’t cha’ think?

    I’m sure mom would.

  5. Travis Says:

    Easy pat answers to difficult questions are useless to anyone trying to improve their behavior.

  6. amanda Says:

    I find it amusing that my mother told me that if I said “fuck” people wouldn’t like me. I think that would have fit in well with your group parent therapy session. đŸ™‚

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