All four of my children have been born in different places and only two of them were born in the United States, Matthew and Emi. Matt was born in Florida and Emi was born in Washington and the other two come from different countries altogether, Owen having been born in Germany and Olivia having been born in Texas.
Although I was far more bewildered by the language barrier in Texas, I had a lot more amusing situations arise in Germany and this weeks Manic Montag reminds me of a certain episode abroad where I was at my most retarded.
We lived in a condo off post and the condo was owned by a man named Gunter Meckelmann who rented to us for the entire three years we were there. We barely ever talked to him but he traveled to the U.S. (Minnesota to be exact) for his job all the time and he spoke very good english and so there was never any difficulty understanding him. Oddly, when it came to the German’s, I found I understood them much better when they spoke german but when they busted out in english, I was often clueless.
Dean was at work and Matt and I were home alone when there was a knock at the front door. I went to the door and opened it a crack and there was a rather large man standing out there. I looked at him and he looked at me.
“Hallo,” he said very calmly. “I have come for da cock.”
I screamed and slammed the door in his face. He, however, was rather urgent about his need for the cock and so he banged on the door again loudly exclaiming that I must let him in: that he has business to conduct with the cock.
At this, I am running in circles. I am searching for a place to hide. I am contemplating hurtling myself off the balcony in an attempt to escape from the madman who has come to my house demanding cock. I find my cellphone.
As I am dialing anyone who I felt could help me, the guy is still outside my door insisting that he be allowed to come in and service the cock. I scream again and begin launching boots and shoes at the front door as I dial Dean’s work where I get someone on the line and begin shouting into the phone, “There is an insane sexual predator outside my door demanding cock and all sorts of other crazy shit!”
I am half crying. This guy is huge.
They tell me they will find Dean. I hang up and call Gunter who does not pick up. At this point, I realize that the knocking on the door has stopped and so I creep up and peek out the looky hole and he is gone, but I am naturally assuming that he is simply lurking out of eyesight waiting for me to open the door so that he may infiltrate my home and continue his quest to find cock.
Wait. Dean has a cock, I think to myself. Why in the world did I just call him here?
But his work has sent someone else to come to save me from the madman and this person arrives and goes on the hunt, searching the building for the cock hungry lunatic and I am crying still and feeling rather victimized and when they can’t find him, they leave telling me that I am very shaken and that Dean will be here shortly to be with me.
And then the insane man returns and knocks again and starts yelling into the door that Gunter has sent him.
Oh, so this is how it is, I think. Gunter is the mastermind behind this. He knows that there is a great, big, American cock in this house and he has sent his humongous friend here to rape my husband.
This time the guy stays for only about five minutes and then a half hour later, I get a phone call. It is Gunter and he tells me to let the man in. I tell him to go to hell and that I know what he is after and then I hang up. A few minutes later, Dean arrives. Just moments after that, the guy is knocking on the door again.
I beg Dean not to answer as I am totally fearing that his penis is in imminent danger, but he does answer and there is the huge guy looking rather annoyed.
“Hallo. I have been sent by Meckelmann to service the cock.”
“‘exscuse me?” Dean says.
“Theya tiles loose in da bathroom, yes? Theya making much noise for da people down stayas, yes? Meckelmann has sent me to service the cock, yes?”
We sort of stare at him for a second and we obviously look rather clueless because he tries again and this time he holds up a caulking gun and waves it at us:
“I have come for da cock.”
With our heads down, we open the door and wordlessly let the man in. He heads straight for the bathroom and spends about thirty seconds in there caulking a few tiles and then he leaves, shaking his head at us on the way out as if to say, “you fucking American retards.”
Now, every once in a while I will put on something very sexy and slink seductively towards Dean and say,
“I have come for da cock……”