another fairy is born…. September 29, 2007
“You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.”
-Peter Pan Ch.3
And, she laughs. If you stick your index finger riiiiight there or kiss her in that spot right under her chin… she laughs. She laughs like crazy.
This will be the last “first laugh” I will ever be able to tear up over. It hits you in that place in your heart like a good massage on an achy back. It feels so good that it hurts like hell.
The other day in parenting class, we had an assignment to write five words that popped into our heads the minute we thought of each child in our family. Most people wrote bad things like “frustrating” or “argumentative”. I wrote things like, “imaginative” and “intelligent”.
Dean had a hard time doing Emi but I didn’t and when it came time for us to read them out loud, I had to look away as I read hers because it made me cry. A lot of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning will remember the day I found out I was pregnant. You’ll remember my fear. You’ll remember when I found out it was going to be a girl and also every ache and pain I had through the entire nine months. I documented everything during my pregnancy with Emi in this blog including the incredibly difficult time I was having.
I wrote about all the normal things that happens when you’re carrying a child, but I also had other things to put in. I had Dean’s arrest and a lengthy post about the day his unconscious body was pulled out of our car when he tried to kill himself. You guys went through his drug addiction with me and all my health problems.
When I found out I had a tumor and was going to have to have surgery during the pregnancy, it was the first time I have ever truly been terrified. I cried a lot here behind the scenes. I was so unbelievably afraid for my baby and I was afraid it was cancer and that my children would have to watch me die. I fought and argued with doctors for the life of my daughter and had legal paperwork written up to place their level of responsibility on Emi and keeping her alive during the surgery.
They had told me that I was the patient and that they would prioritize me over her and that if they needed to remove my uterus, baby and all or deliver her too early, then they would. And I…. freaked out.
To not have the surgery placed even more risk on her and so it was done and it was the scariest thing to wake up and panic over whether or not she was okay. I was told that I had to take it very easy for the rest of my pregnancy, put the housework on hold and concentrate on keeping Emi inside and safe.
I went into labor at 32 weeks and started to bleed. I called frantically for Dean but his command never told him and so I sat at the house bleeding for five hours and having contractions. Once Dean was finally informed, he took me to the hospital and they stopped labor and gave me steroids but I had already dilated a few centimeters. Our goal was to keep Emi in until 37 weeks but no one thought it was going to happen and I was on bed rest again. I was stressed out over Dean and his work and the arrest and the pregnancy and just everything that was going on.
I was falling apart and it was really bad. I gave birth to Emi at 36 weeks and she was in bad shape and was stuck in the NICU for a week. Once she came home, Dean started extra duty for 45 days and I was alone with four kids, a newborn baby, no husband and about two hours of sleep a night. I was exhausted and stressed out and there were no friends or family to help out. Then, I had surgery again and three days later, they came in took my kids, had us evicted and are now trying to throw us out of the Army.
I’m not sure I can take much more of this.
And then, Emi laughed. She saves me. Again.
I had written in my blog for months about everything that was going on but the thing I wasn’t telling everyone was that I was coming undone. I was a wreck during that pregnancy and was losing it more and more each day. Then, a kick or a wriggle and I would return my focus to her and it was scary and wonderful at the same time.
My bond with Emi is deep. I love my children, all of them and each one brings something different to our relationship. One may frustrate me more than the others, but he is also the one who amazes me the most. One might be more loving and sweet, but he is also the one who is the naughtiest.
And then there is Emi, this tiny thing who to everyone else is just adorable and sweet but to me it is much more. To me, she is brave and resilient and she is a fighter and when I could not, she fought for us both. I kept her alive during that pregnancy and she returned the favor.
After my surgery the surgeon told me that when they were inside of me they had to switch instruments because Emi was kicking him so hard that he was afraid that he would cut me. When he said that, I laughed because while I was passed out, she was awake and standing guard over us and it was just so… funny. I fell apart and she stood strong and stubbornly refused to give up on us.
And now she laughs and it was so scary to think I might never get to hear it. Now that I have, it is monumental to me because I spent so many months not knowing if she would make it or if I would make it and so to be right here at this moment and to hear her giggle… it is huge. To me.
A laughing baby takes two people. I am making her laugh by performing some kind of action and she is the one delivering the giggles. Right now and at this age, it’s just not spontaneous enough to happen for no reason so for now, it is our laugh and we get to share it until she gets older and it belongs only to her.
To see for yourself how happy you make someone is life altering. She is too young to be faking. It’s real happiness and I created it. And I almost never had the chance.
It makes me emotional to know how hard she and I worked together to make it to first laughs.
Here’s to many, many more.
don’t forget to tune in… September 28, 2007
Well, tomorrow is Saturday and another segment of my blog talk radio show, Bloviation Nation which will be airing at 9 a.m. west coast and noon on the east coast.
This week’s topic is “Getcha Rant On” and we’ll be discussing all that is just fucked up in the world and those things that just piss us right off. I’m hoping to get a special guest to come on… someone with a flair for bitchery… but we’ll have to see.
You can check out the show by clicking here and if you would like to call in and join the party with a bitch or comment of your own, then you can do so by dialing 1(347) 215-8189 or by sending along an instant message to kyramuchmore on Yahoo.
If you can’t make the show you can listen to it in archives, but that’s just not as fun. Last week, we had a great time and would love to have some more people tuning in to come and play with us!
* next Saturday’s show will be an interview show with questions being answered by me and a guest. This week, I am inviting people to drop a question or many in my comments, send me an IM or an email with anything at all you would like to ask, and I will be answering them on the air. Or, you can call into the show with your question and we’ll chat it up live 🙂
So, think up some things to ask me, y’all… it can be serious or bizarre, controversial or safe, perverted or prude…lol. Anything goes! And then tune into the show next Saturday, October 6th to hear your answers!
Cinnamon Buns September 27, 2007
And my little Princess Leia is done.
I had no idea how I was going to do these damned buns that Leia has. It was 18 degrees outside last Halloween and so I try to be really mindful and innovative in my attempts to create stuff that will keep the kids warm. I was going to use actual hair and make her sort of a wig but I thought it would look tacky, itch her head the whole time and not keep her very warm. So, I thought about it for a bit and decided to make her an entire headpiece that was just a hat. Plain and simple.
I bought some chocolate colored, soft yarn and crocheted her a hat and then I placed a few stitches in the front to look like the part in Leia’s hair. Then, I cut hundreds of tiny strands of yarn all the same length, about a yard and a quarter, and then divided them into two bunches that I braided together.
Once braided, I twisted them up into buns and secured then on the inside with hot glue just to hold until I could drop stitches. Then, I hot glued the buns to the hat piece and dropped stitches all the way around to secure everything in place.
So, it’s not hair, but it makes a rather cute, little Princess Leia hair-do just the same…LOL.And… it’ll keep her head and ears warm!
Matt’s first musical recording…. with yours truly!
He is the straight bomb-diggity, yo! Check out his mad singin’ skillz!
you are the music in me…. September 26, 2007
Today, I’m being a total bitch. In fact, I’m being such an intolerable shrew that Dean had to essentially rassle me to the ground and force feed me antidepressants. And, I am not easy to force to the ground. I’m a biter.
No, not really, but I DID burst into tears of complete hysteria and he DID quietly go into the kitchen and emerge a moment later holding out a pill. He had a look on his face like he was approaching a tempermental dog or something… sort of crouched down in an “it’s okay, boy… I’m not going to huuurt you…” sort of fashion.
“Theeeeere… see? Now there’s a good boy!”
I might have whimpered. The past couple of days have not been good days on the depressive front. I’ve been hiding again, not sleeping again, bawling for no reason again and pretty much just having a complete and total cow… over nothing. Again.
And, no… I’m not on or due to start my period any time soon. I’m such a wreck. When I become a wreck, I typically do two things: I drown myself in projects such as sewing Halloween costumes obsessively or I throw myself into further despair by launching myself down memory lane. I try really hard to focus on the good times in my life but even those tend to get me all worked up.
Today, I am worked up because it has once again dawned on me that I live from shitty moment to shitty moment. Every now and then I am able to forget for a few days that I don’t want to be alive, but then something will happen (or not)that will make me go, “oh yeah. I have to be alive today. And it sucks.” I do personal inventories in my head that list all the shitty stuff that is going on and then I just stumble completely. But I don’t do it on purpose and so I then scramble around for something good to focus on. Like music.
I miss hearing Dean sing. He has a second job on the weekends as a dj at a club and they do karaoke there so he runs the karaoke on the weekends. I was in the throws of a meltdown and informed him that I miss hearing him sing (as though him not singing to me is the reason my head is spilling out all over the place) and so he said that one night I can come to work with him and he’ll sing to me. Very good then.
In the meantime, I’m sitting here listening to his music and thought I’d share it. Some of it has been played here before but I’m upset and so I don’t give a real fuck right now about reposts…LOL.
This first song is the song he sang where I first fell in love with him…it had a different name back then but when we first started dating we would be lying on the beach together on a blanket, him with his guitar, me with a ginormous bag of pot, and I would say, “Sing me the telephone song….” and he would and for some reason, it was always called that from then on.
“The Telephone Song” written and performed by Dean-o
This was another song he wrote in high school that I loved hearing. It is called More Than A Miracle.
“More Than A Miracle” written and performed by Dean-o
I used to like Norah Jones a lot and at one point I covered one of her depressing ass songs. If you’ve been on my Myspace then you’ve heard this, but if not then here it is.
“Don’t Know Why” written by Norah Jones, performed by Kyra
This song was one that Dean and I collaborated on. He wrote the music and I wrote the lyrics to it while he was deployed to the middle east right when the war started. I was angry and sad all at the same time and he put some very cheerful music to some very bitter words.
“A Reason To Fight” written by Dean-o and Kyra, performed by Dean-o
This was one of our happier days… we decided to record a duet of a Maroon Five song. Dean is my favorite person in the world to sing with although this song was so out of his range that he had to really grab his nuts to get through it :-)But it was fun to record with him anyways.
“Sunday Mornings” Written by Adam Levine and Maroon Five and performed by Dean-o and Kyra
The Military Idol video of Dean-o… I’ve posted this before but I love it even though the sound is shit.
And now that I have posted all of this shit I shall sit here and listen to it over and over again and cry like a stinkin’ maniac. Oh. And get drunk.
(Thank you, Bond, baby for the tutorial on your little music players… smoooooch!)
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