Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Random Thoughts August 15, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:14 pm

— Why is it that stenographers always have ridiculously long fingernails? You’d think that this would be strange considering that their only responsibility is to type without mistakes. Why make it more difficult?

— Thanks to a friend, I now know every bizarre thing there is to know about the female prostate.

–I left the house for the first time in almost two months yesterday to go to the doctor as I’m scheduled to have my tubes tied next week. My doctor had me there for an hour telling me that he really did not think that this was a good time to be doing such a thing. He seems to think that all of my physical ailments are from stress and depression and feels that I will have a hard time recovering.

— I told him that if he refuses then he will be ruining my opportunity to spend a day away from my family and that I REALLY need a day away from my family.

— There was no buttsex last night. In fact, there was no sex at all. I sat online chatting with the friend and then Dean and I got into a fight so I grabbed six bottles of Smirnoff and left. I had nowhere to go with my Smirnoff and so I sat outside getting plastered and chain smoking.

–I can’t accurately remember my wedding vows, but I am quite sure that they did not go like THIS:

I, Dean, take you Kyra, to be my lawfully wedded wife for a short period of time until I decide that you are really just a good friend and babysitter, to have at my own convenience and to hold when you bust me for looking at porn from this day forward, for better– which you will never actually witness in this lifetime or for worse, for poorer, in sickness so long as it is MY sickness and not YOUR sickness and in health, to like and to take for granted; from this day forward until I drive you so insane that you blow your head off with a shotgun.

–Do you often feel hopeless for no reason? is one of the questions on the post partum depression survey they give you after you have a baby. How do you answer that?? If you are feeling hopeless then it is obviously for a reason. I refused to fill mine out yesterday on the grounds that if I told them how I was really feeling they’d have me committed. So, instead, I wrote across the paper “I have no thoughts of drowning my children.” Then, my doctor agreed with me that the evaluation is fucking retarded and so we just talked for a long time. It was Doc Murphy… the one Nurse Angie informed that I had requested a rectal exam. I love him. At any rate, we talked about everything that is going on and then he says to me, “Yeah. You have every reason to hate your life.” Hmmm.

–I have been watching an insane amount of police dramas lately.

–I’m having sleep issues. Instead of falling asleep, I’m just blacking out altogether and it’s next to impossible for Dean to wake me up. This has never happened to me before. As a result of all of this, I’m dizzy all day long which makes me sick to my stomach. I have asked my doctor for a blood workup and he said okay but it is pointless because this is all my body’s reaction to depression. He says that my mind no longer wants to function and so it is shutting down as a defense mechanism.

–I think maybe my blood sugar is just out of whack.

–Because my blood sugar seems out of whack, every time I get dizzy, I slug a soda and as a result, I have gained ten pounds.

— Gaining ten pounds makes me depressed.

— Last night on IM with my friend, I made a joke that cracked me the fuck up. We were discussing how I once had sex with a girl waaaaay back in the day because I was going to grant Dean a threesome as a graduation from basic training gift (don’t worry… I sobered up and came to my senses)and I didn’t want to look like an idiot so we “practiced”. I said that THAT was just how good of a wife I am and then followed it up with…. god, I must have a HORRIBLE personality.

— I wonder a lot why Dean doesn’t like me. I usually think of myself as fun and intelligent and many other things so why doesn’t he like me??? I’m certainly patient and understanding and compassionate…. but he couldn’t be less interested.

— Something that I have learned the hard way is that it is never enough to be a good friend to someone.

This is who I am. I have offered to carry babies in my uterus for people who were unable to carry their own. I have always gone out of my way to be there for people. I never get tired of listening to someone who is hurting and I am supportive and encouraging. I am always tactful when offering up advice or suggestions to someone as I would never want to unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. I am always there for my friends whether it is to take my own time to do something nice for them or just to lend an ear. I am a very giving friend. I don’t judge and I always consider what they are going through. If I am wrong, I admit it. If I upset someone, I apologize. If we fight, then it is important enough to me to talk it out, admit my mistakes and fix it.

I can be a fantastic friend but then I will say or do something stupid and that is all it takes for people to be done with me. Never mind the great things I’ve done. Never mind the person I am. Never mind the great qualities… all it takes is one difference and they are through with me.

I am never ever enough for people. I cannot be good enough and it doesn’t matter what kind of person I am. Everyone is always better and smarter and is a better parent or significant other. Everyone thinks they can do life better than I can.

Why should I even bother any more??

— I pulled all the hair out of Olivia’s hairbrush yesterday and threw it away. Then, a kid must have taken it out of the trash or something because I have just seen the hairball go rolling across my balcony like some kind of creepy little tumbleweed.

–This has gone on long enough.


16 Responses to “Random Thoughts”

  1. ~paige~ Says:

    you are good enough. if the people around you don’t think you are good enough, maybe they are who is not enough.
    i know you still love him but i want to kick dean’s ass for real. what he is doing has drudged up a lot of personal crap from my past. probably the worst time in my life. i want to kick dean right in the ass

  2. Crozet Says:

    You know…ip addresses are a very funny thing, you can change them at will! In any case it seems to me that he’s getting what he as wanted…out of your life. Will you give him that???

  3. the108 Says:

    Yes. If that is what he wants, then I shall give him that. All he need do is ask.

    And thank you for making sure that I am aware that this has all just been a way for someone I love to break my heart. Maybe you are right. Maybe the man I loved for so long and for many years really just doesn’t love me and has been doing all this to make me leave him.

    I’m going to go throw up now. Thank you.

    And it’s also lovely that you made a profile with no blog just so that you can leave me these comments.

    I’ll quit discussing my marriage now because I really don’t want to hear that he is the way he is because of me and you are very determined to make sure I feel far worse about things. And you are so much of a chickenshit that you onbviously know me and yet you hide behind anonymity just so you can be mean. I don’t understand.

  4. Susie PSU Says:

    SCREW the commenter. You are doing what you can to keep your life together, and your kids’ life together. Don’t lose focus. You hear me??

  5. Anthony Says:

    I never figured out the long fingernails. How do they dial a phone?

    I’ve never figured out the “good friend” deal, either. Sometimes, what we do isn’t enough and other times it’s too much. Maybe we’d be better off if people just TOLD us what they want. But, that would be too simple, right?

    I don’t remember my wedding vows, either. I can’t remember if it was “love, honor and cherish” or “love, honor and obey”. Either way, it didn’t work out.

  6. ian Says:

    Eh, you’re enough of a friend for me. And I’m like bad luggage – easy to acquire, hard to get rid of.

    I’ll stick around because you’re funny, and that’s a rare enough thing in the world today – honest humor.


  7. ~paige~ Says:

    kyra…ignore the chickenshit poster who is bringing you down. focus on the rest of us that give a crap. this person clearly is so incredibly unhappy in their life that they want you feeling as bad as possible because it somehow provides them with some crazy satisfaction. trust me, they have more problems then you’ll ever have.
    this person is a complete asshole

  8. Colette, aka Lil Sis Says:

    My thought is the random commentor is either the owner of that stupid phone or someone close to Dean. Fuck them.

    I’m with Susie. Just stay focused. What a bull shit way to take a fucking hit at someone.

    Email me if you need ANYTHING, including my phone number if you want a random ear to talk/scream/cry/or even vomit if you need to in…

  9. Travis Says:

    I’m sorry things are so tough for you right now.

    I have hugs…want some hugs??

    **squeeeeeeeeeeezes Kyra and hands her a yellow rose**

  10. The109 Says:

    Well, since my life is a public opinion poll, you can all take a crack at this one:
    What should professional asshole and presumed alulterer and all around pile of shit do?:

    1. Take all your advise and head for the hills, which I haven’t by the way because I still love my wife, or
    2. Try to find out why I am unhappy all the fucking time although it is not my family because I don’t get to see them much anymore and ignore the fact that my wife and apparently an angry mob of friends would like to kick my ass, or
    3. Jump off a cliff.

    Please start the voting, you are all so good at understanding a situation with no real information so I must know what to do!!


    Your friendly neighborhood pile of shit.

  11. ~paige~ Says:

    Dean…I would say come clean and if you want to stay with Kyra stop fucking around. If you don’t then be honest.

  12. Bond Says:

    Kyra: You have friends who will listen to you and be there when you need us darlin’

    Believe me going through crap in your marriage (whether it be one party cheating or one party going out and spending too much money or a total lack of affection or attention)sucks…believe me I do know…

    I do suggest both parties try and talk it out…though that is not always a solution…but you need to walk away clean…

    As Travis has done, I pffer you a big hug and a shoulder for you to use anytime.

    Wait on the tube tying until you get through with this situation. Do it clear-headed…

    No one is anything because of the other person…they are who they are and it is how it is…

    You know…a marriage can just end because it is time to end….

  13. Sparky Duck Says:

    good thing about mobs, ya beat first, ask questions later.

    I cant believe I will even go into this one, but um wait to get your tubes tied.

    I feel hopeless all the time, though its usually over stupid shit which could be no reason at all, but I like to hang my hat on the stupid shit.

    you know where to find the duck

  14. TopChamp Says:

    I like you… but not quite enough to let you vomit in my ear.. sorry x

    You take stuff to heart. Don’t. Who on earth is sitting there judging you? Someone without fault you would think… but evidently that can’t be the case as they’re judgemental… Catch 22 and confusing me greatly.

    Certainly this doesn’t sound like somebody whose opinion you should value. It’s blogland though so anyone can leave their opinion out here.


  15. EC Says:

    You are more than good enough!! In fact to say that you are great is a complete and utter understatement! There are men out there that would be lucky to have you. If Dean doesn’t get that now, he will later on in life!

    ALso, it does sound like PPD and you may consider getting yourself on some medication to take care of it… just so you feel better.

    I hate to see you so sad 😦

    And tell that commenter to kiss your ass – if they know you at all they shouldn’t feel like they have to hide!

  16. babylamb Says:

    I know I haven’t commented much but I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months now.
    I want you to know I think you are a great mom, wife and writer. Actaully I’m jelouse. I wish I had the guts to write about some of the stuff you write about.

    To me blogging helps me vent and get my frustrations out.
    but some things need to be kept private

    I’ve been married for a long time and I’m going to give you some advise.
    “Love is simply what you make of it”

    Bringing up topics that anybody can read isn’t going to help your relationship It’s only going to make matters worse and because you have so many readers we are bias and of course going to take your side.
    In my own opinion you love Dean and it hurts to think that he cheated on you but this isn’t something you should have mentioned to the world

    I wish you the best your a stong person and I know how much this is hurting you but hang in there. Sooner or later things will turn around.

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