— Why is it that stenographers always have ridiculously long fingernails? You’d think that this would be strange considering that their only responsibility is to type without mistakes. Why make it more difficult?
— Thanks to a friend, I now know every bizarre thing there is to know about the female prostate.
–I left the house for the first time in almost two months yesterday to go to the doctor as I’m scheduled to have my tubes tied next week. My doctor had me there for an hour telling me that he really did not think that this was a good time to be doing such a thing. He seems to think that all of my physical ailments are from stress and depression and feels that I will have a hard time recovering.
— I told him that if he refuses then he will be ruining my opportunity to spend a day away from my family and that I REALLY need a day away from my family.
— There was no buttsex last night. In fact, there was no sex at all. I sat online chatting with the friend and then Dean and I got into a fight so I grabbed six bottles of Smirnoff and left. I had nowhere to go with my Smirnoff and so I sat outside getting plastered and chain smoking.
–I can’t accurately remember my wedding vows, but I am quite sure that they did not go like THIS:
I, Dean, take you Kyra, to be my lawfully wedded wife for a short period of time until I decide that you are really just a good friend and babysitter, to have at my own convenience and to hold when you bust me for looking at porn from this day forward, for better– which you will never actually witness in this lifetime or for worse, for poorer, in sickness so long as it is MY sickness and not YOUR sickness and in health, to like and to take for granted; from this day forward until I drive you so insane that you blow your head off with a shotgun.
–Do you often feel hopeless for no reason? is one of the questions on the post partum depression survey they give you after you have a baby. How do you answer that?? If you are feeling hopeless then it is obviously for a reason. I refused to fill mine out yesterday on the grounds that if I told them how I was really feeling they’d have me committed. So, instead, I wrote across the paper “I have no thoughts of drowning my children.” Then, my doctor agreed with me that the evaluation is fucking retarded and so we just talked for a long time. It was Doc Murphy… the one Nurse Angie informed that I had requested a rectal exam. I love him. At any rate, we talked about everything that is going on and then he says to me, “Yeah. You have every reason to hate your life.” Hmmm.
–I have been watching an insane amount of police dramas lately.
–I’m having sleep issues. Instead of falling asleep, I’m just blacking out altogether and it’s next to impossible for Dean to wake me up. This has never happened to me before. As a result of all of this, I’m dizzy all day long which makes me sick to my stomach. I have asked my doctor for a blood workup and he said okay but it is pointless because this is all my body’s reaction to depression. He says that my mind no longer wants to function and so it is shutting down as a defense mechanism.
–I think maybe my blood sugar is just out of whack.
–Because my blood sugar seems out of whack, every time I get dizzy, I slug a soda and as a result, I have gained ten pounds.
— Gaining ten pounds makes me depressed.
— Last night on IM with my friend, I made a joke that cracked me the fuck up. We were discussing how I once had sex with a girl waaaaay back in the day because I was going to grant Dean a threesome as a graduation from basic training gift (don’t worry… I sobered up and came to my senses)and I didn’t want to look like an idiot so we “practiced”. I said that THAT was just how good of a wife I am and then followed it up with…. god, I must have a HORRIBLE personality.
— I wonder a lot why Dean doesn’t like me. I usually think of myself as fun and intelligent and many other things so why doesn’t he like me??? I’m certainly patient and understanding and compassionate…. but he couldn’t be less interested.
— Something that I have learned the hard way is that it is never enough to be a good friend to someone.
This is who I am. I have offered to carry babies in my uterus for people who were unable to carry their own. I have always gone out of my way to be there for people. I never get tired of listening to someone who is hurting and I am supportive and encouraging. I am always tactful when offering up advice or suggestions to someone as I would never want to unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. I am always there for my friends whether it is to take my own time to do something nice for them or just to lend an ear. I am a very giving friend. I don’t judge and I always consider what they are going through. If I am wrong, I admit it. If I upset someone, I apologize. If we fight, then it is important enough to me to talk it out, admit my mistakes and fix it.
I can be a fantastic friend but then I will say or do something stupid and that is all it takes for people to be done with me. Never mind the great things I’ve done. Never mind the person I am. Never mind the great qualities… all it takes is one difference and they are through with me.
I am never ever enough for people. I cannot be good enough and it doesn’t matter what kind of person I am. Everyone is always better and smarter and is a better parent or significant other. Everyone thinks they can do life better than I can.
Why should I even bother any more??
— I pulled all the hair out of Olivia’s hairbrush yesterday and threw it away. Then, a kid must have taken it out of the trash or something because I have just seen the hairball go rolling across my balcony like some kind of creepy little tumbleweed.
–This has gone on long enough.