the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Humbling Self Realizations. July 31, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:58 pm

Well, I have fucked up in front of all of you and want to step up and address it and apologize. It’s about my kids.

When I started this blog it was because I had a blog on Myspace and I was under a lot of stress and feeling pretty awful about things and I wanted to have a place where I could open up and speak freely without hurting my husband and my family who has access to my myspace blog.

I’m not going to lie or make excuses… sometimes the things I say are just wrong and I tend to not realize it at the time due to my own rationalizations and selfish needs to turn the things in my life that bother me into a joke, something humorous that I can laugh at and pretend is just normal, every day things. It’s a way for me to make the issues smaller somehow in the hopes that they won’t bother me so much.

Other times, I just say things without even knowing why anymore.

But I’m going to be honest here because it’s important to me and my family that I do so.

I love my family. I love my kids. They are all I have and my marriage has fallen apart and I have no friends and so my kids are my world and I have done the wrong thing by them when I treat them as though they are my friends instead of my children. I have used them to replace things in my life that I am lacking in… adult companionship, humor, freedom from the dark thoughts that I have. The silly and weird times that we have together are something that I hold on to even when I am rolling my eyes.

I write about the great moments and the shitty ones on here and it has been brought to my attention that it seems as though I hate my kids and that one day, they will read my words and feel awful. This message from a friend has made me realize that she is right and that I need to make some vast improvements when it comes to them.

Getting this message made me vomit. Literally. Not because I was angry or upset with anyone other than myself but because a parent never likes to be told that she is a bad parent especially when it is true. I have known for a long time that I never should have punished children by becoming their mother but there has always been a part of me that hoped that no one else realized it, too. It’s time to make changes, especially now.

I suppose it’s as good time as any to tell you guys that Dean and I are getting a divorce. My kids will need me now more than ever before and I can no longer pretend or laugh away the imperfections.

I have always fought for them in strange ways. Just not in the right ways.

Matt gets the brunt force of it all. People hate him and have always treated him like shit. I used to get so angry and upset that I just got rid of the people in my life that were hurtful to him or who were hurtful to me about him. I heard so many things about Matt and people treated him in such a way that I was embarrassed and ran away. After a while, I began reacting to people’s attitudes to him by making it meaningless.

Remember that scene in the movie 8 Mile with Eminem where he has to go up on stage and be blasted by the other guy and he comes out and basically spews out all of the bad things about himself before the other guy can do it. He makes it so that anything the guy says means nothing. He has already said it all and he has done it in a way that says, “so what if I am these things? So what if I am poor and I’m this or I’m that…? So what? Your words can’t hurt me now because I have said them first.”

This seems to be how I have come to deal with my kids. Sigh. And the worst part of it is, it’s intentional.

I figure if I call it out and admit to the world the flaws that they have, then no one else will have a chance to say it or make them feel it. Matthew is always so very aware that he is disliked by people and I can sit in his bed with him and tell him the world over how much I love him, how smart he is, how amazing… but he doesn’t care what I have to say. He cares when it’s other people.

Now, Owen is going through the same thing and the person doing it to him is Matt.

The thing is… I love my kids the way they are. I love them when they are silly or when they are giving me a run for my money. They are a handful and I need them to be because without it, I’m nothing. I’m certainly not a wife or a daughter or a friend to anyone anymore. I joke with them a lot to downplay their faults… an example being Matt’s weight. I joke to downplay their faults to myself. If my biggest issue is that Matt is overweight then no one has to know or think about the bigger things at hand.

You know… it’s never easy to be a parent. You are constantly scrutinized and you are always doing the wrong thing. It’s very difficult to have such strong motivation to be the picture perfect model parent when you start out and then… life starts happening and you start fucking up. You’re not as careful as you once were or as quick to jump up to do the right thing as often. Some people fail completely and some people excel and then there are people like me who walk the line between knowing that I am both great for them and awful for them.

I’m not a good mother. In fact, I suppose I’m a pretty lousy one. It’s a lot of pressure to hold this sort of responsibility in your hands and it’s was very easy for e to judge other people’s parenting before I had kids myself and realized just how much this pressure can get to you, how you have to constantly weigh what it is you are doing and how it will affect them. There is no room for mistakes and I am making plenty of them.

Back when Life was good and uncomplicated, maybe I was better. But now, it seems I can’t catch a little slack these days.

I have four children who I would fight to the death for. I have a husband who has unraveled before my eyes no matter what I have tried to do to prevent it. I am in a situation where we have no money. I have been drowning in stress for a very long time and I have given up a lot of myself to stand behind everyone else, to support them, be there for them, shield them from this disaster of a life. But… my mistakes do not go unnoticed and I can always do better and it is high time I use the feedback I am getting lately and make these changes.

I am hearing it a lot lately, really, from my friends. I am discovering many, many ways that I have really let things fall apart. I’m glad that I have friends who care enough to point out my flaws so that I may make improvements, but I’m not going to lie:

It hurts. It really hurts.

Do you think that I don’t know every single thing that is wrong with me? I know that I can be better. I will try to be better. I am trying. I have been trying for years to be what everyone needs me to be and in return, I am not being anything at all for me except here on this blog where I can make light of all the shit that is happening. I have tried to be there for anyone who needs me and I have always tried to be a good friend, but I am still failing and this time, it’s at the one thing that is more important to me than anything… my children.

I want to apologize to you all. I want to apologize to my kids. I understand that my love for them has become questionable and I regret making it that way. And I am not saying this to be a smart ass or anything like that as I know that it can be hard to read what someone is saying but… thank you to all of you who have been emailing me with concerns and advice on how I can be better. It makes me happy to know that you all have enough faith in me to know that I can take on the challenge of being a better person.

I’m a big baby. I’m sitting here sobbing out of embarrassment. To know that this is how some of you feel makes me really worry how my kids feel.

I have a blog that I write to them in called Dear Little’s. I so badly wanted to separate the two people inside me… the patient and adoring mother and the mother that has frustrations and worries and deals with them how she can. But, It hasn’t worked out because I haven’t separated them at all.

You will read some changes in this blog from now on. I’m not going to ridicule my kids or go off on any tangents about my life as a mom or anything like that anymore. I’m not going to “make fun” of the situations here anymore and I am going to try to remember that they are very serious situations and fully concentrate all of my energy on them.

Again… I am sorry that I have let down my friends and my children. I’m going to work really hard on not repeating these mistakes. I also want to apologize for my post this morning that was very offensive to my kids. I hadn’t posted anything happy in a long time and I suppose that I was sort of eager to be able to laugh at something and I did it all wrong.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I won’t let this thing happen anymore. I love my kids so much and I’m sorry that I have hurt them in front of you all and I will fix it somehow with them.

I have hurt them and you’re right. They are this way because I failed them big time. I’m sorry guys.

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19 Responses to “Humbling Self Realizations.”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    hey hope im doing this comment thing right, it has changed since i was on last.im sorry to hear about you and dean.i suppose its just a lot of stress,i dont know how you have held it together for so long.bless you.im thinking of you and the kids.i think it took great courage to say the things you did,to admit the messups,to admit being human hang in there

    Dotty

  2. Dixiechick Says:

    Oh Kyra, I am at a loss for words here.

    *shakes Kyra* YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!

    I don’t know who had the nerve to tell you that but just give me the go ahead and I’ll call Bruno and Guido…

    Oh and if that doesn’t work I’ll just come there and open a southern can of whoop ass on them…

    I loves ya girlie… you are GOOD MOTHER… you hear me… You are a good mother!!!

  3. Dan Says:

    Kyra, I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I found you via my very sweet friend Anndi.

    This is the most heartfelt blog post I have ever read. If this is the only thing I ever read from you, then I know you’re terrific Kyra. You’re an amazingly caring and loving mother who is trying her darndest. And we all make mistakes. ALL of us. And don’t let anyone else try to convince you otherwise.

    You know how the swan always looks so graceful gliding across the surface of the pond? Well … have you ever looked below the surface of the water? They’re paddling like hell!

    Sweetie, those others we think are perfect … they’re swans. You and I flip and flop right on the water, and everyone can see. And you know what? That’s nothing to be ashamed of. No way.

    Now here’s a big warm hug for you right now. We could both use one.

    {{{{ HUG }}}}

  4. Travis Says:

    This frustrates me.

    Kyra, unless someone is there with you 24/7/365, they have no business judging you as a parent based on what you write on your blog.

    And unless you asked for advice, or asked to be judged, then everyone else should butt the hell out. Pressing the publish button on your thoughts is NOT implicit permission for others to judge or draw conclusions about your life.

    People who draw conclusions and attack others based on what is written on a blog really piss me off.

    I’m sorry to hear about you and Dean. It’s a tough challenge to face. Be strong, be as positive as you can, and take things one at a time as best you can.

  5. Susie PSU Says:

    None of us are perfect, Kyra. At anything. Add to that the stress you are having at home, and I think ‘most anyone would crack under the pressure. You adore your kids, and do the best you can. That is all ANYONE can ask of you. I’m sorry to hear about the divorce. Hang in there, and please keep us posted. We’ll worry if you don’t….

  6. Madame Butterfly Says:

    I do Know you PERSONALLY.I have to say I love you.You are a great MOTHER, no not perfect.I have 5 kids, I am Far away from perfect.You don’t beat them,you play with your children.They are very smart for their ages.I have never heard you degrade them at all.Joke yes.But I know Matt,Olivia,O and babi emi, wouldn’t not have it any other way.You are their mother and you have you way with them that always get them laughing their ass’s off.You are under a great deal of stess,I would of lost my nuts if i was in your shoes.Don’t quit the person you are from some one else words.If I have ever learned anything from our friends ship is you are my rock,I have crashed so many times,i lost my mind several times.BUt never never have you ever judged me nor put my parenting dowm.I stumble alot.
    “YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER’.If this was advice then do not take it.I love you very much.If I die before my kids are over 18 I would let you raise my children.My kids love you maybe more then me sometimes.lol..You rock out.You keep me laughing with your words.Don’t stop cause i need them in my life……
    love you
    You are my best friend I have know you for over 3 yrs.Smile girl…..Dry your tears…love you.

  7. Madame Butterfly Says:

    oh yeah I love you…….

  8. Anndi Says:

    A woman who would die for her kids, who has been through hell preparing to give birth and admits her failings… sounds like my kind of mother Kyra.

    Even though I’m a Mom and have been through a great deal of turmoil in my journey, I haven’t walked in your shoes, and I would never presume to judge you dear.

    You’re human, you inspire me, you have a lot of guts… Be strong.

    You are a good friend, we’re blessed to have met you in the bloggosphere.

    Love you honey girl

  9. Bond Says:

    KYRA: That is crap. You share your world with us… uncensored…so what …. a lot of people do…
    Sometimes it would be nice to be uncensored.

    Here whenever you need a shoulder

  10. ian Says:

    I don’t really know you, Kyra, except through your blog, but I never even once considered you anything but a good mother, full of love for your kids. This post actually came as a complete surprise to me. For what it’s worth… ***hugs***

    Ian

  11. EC Says:

    I have to agree with Travis on this one – words don’t always come out right on blogs, and no one can judge you over a simple blog post. I have NEVER gotten the feeling that you don’t love your children. I NEVER got the idea that you didn’t care about them as all good mother’s would. Everyone needs to let our stresses about their kids, but I for one never judged you or called you a bad mom!

    In fact, I think you have showed that you are willing to do anything for them! I don’t know where this came from, but who are they to judge??

    Kyra – I’m SO sorry to hear about you and Dean. I didn’t even know it was coming – I thought you guys were really working on your marriage, but I know the thing with him losing rank and pay must have sent him to “another place” so to speak.

    *Sigh* I want to help you so badly 😦 If there is ANYTHING I can do – anything – let me know okay?

    It WILL be okay Kyra 🙂

  12. ~paige~ Says:

    Kyra…hang in there! You seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now.
    Don’t let others hurt you. You know you are a good person and of course you have things to work on, we ALL do. In any event, be strong and don’t feel like you have to apologize to people because you joke around and make light

  13. Blonde Chick Says:

    Kyra – I know I’m not a regular commenter on your blog, but I AM a regular reader. I have to say that this is the most REAL, genuine, and honest post I have ever read.

    Not many of us mothers are willing to admit (especially to the vast internet world) our fears or our FAULTS. You received some constructive criticism, and you have gone through the period of feeling hurt, ashamed and/or embarrassed by it. But now its time to move to the next phase, which you’ve already mentioned. CHANGE.

    You are a strong person for posting this, and it will make things a lot easier from now on. You have some mountains to climb now, but you’ve put yourself out there and reached out to all of us for support and guidance. Let US take the weight off your shoulders.

    It’s never been a question to any of us that read your blog if you love your children or not. It’s so very clear that you do. I’ve never seen a post to indicate otherwise. I also think that any of us that have been around the block more than once can see that you have/had so many stressors piling up in front of you lately, the house of cards was destined to fall. It was inevitable, my dear.

    I don’t know what more I can do to help, but I can offer my support, my prayers, and many cyber hugs. Maybe it will in some tiny way make you feel a little bit better knowing you have a world of faceless strangers out here that are 100% behind you.

  14. Lois Grebowski Says:

    (((((Kyra)))))

  15. Rocketstar Says:

    Hang in there 108, no sorry to us is necessary.

    You are not a bad mother, none of us are perfect.

  16. Thomas Says:

    Wishing you all the best, Kyra. I’m also going thru a divorce. Not easy, but what are you gonna do?

  17. Little Sis Says:

    You are NOT a bad mother. The great thing about parenting is that it doesn’t come with a handbook. We are allowed to fuck up sometimes. We are allowed to think we don’t fuck up sometimes.

    But if we fuck up by our own standards, so be it we fix it. Do not let others judge you by being the person you are. I think you are wonderful. And I’m pretty positive your kids do too. =)

    Here if you ever need to talk! You have my email addy and my myspace link! =)

  18. jolie-jordan Says:

    Are you Nepolean?

    I say let those who are telling you that you are bad or wrong to come pick up the kids and give it a whirl for a week or two. That ought-to shut them up and hell you will have a vacation to boot.
    If you let Matt see you belittle yourself because of what others say or think you will never get him to understand that his worth does not lie in what others think of him.

    See…how easy it is…now I go telling you what to do.

    I will say that I too have noticed that you are not perfect and that you might not always choose the best parenting technique (of the moment) and since I am so dammed perfect it really bothers me that you are human. How dare you raise your kids in your own way? How dare you try to make the hard times seem a little less horrible by injecting some humor? How dare you try to make the best out of your situation? How dare you not take a kicking when you are already down? How dare you live your life doing the best that you can?…Hell, how dare you be human?

    Now damn it buck up and tell these GOOD FRIENDS to Fuck off. You don’t have the time to be a bad Mother…you have kids to raise for god’s sake. You will have plenty of time to be a bad Mom when they are grown and can tell you about all the things that you did that was wrong. How can you possibly deprive them of their rights?

    About a divorce? This might not be the best time in your life to make a big decision. Just thinking, here.

    Thinking of you, my sweet. And I for one am hoping for you to find happiness in the midst of all the chaos. And please don’t beat yourself up anymore. What the hell do you have friends for?

    xxxJolie

  19. Starrlight Says:

    Kyra I am hoping you have gotten over the guilt trip laid on you by who ever the hell it was that sent that email. No you are not perfect. No one is. No child, no parent, no wife, no husband, no single person with a pulse is perfect. If there are things YOU want to do differently then do them but for god’s sake stop trying for perfection. It’s a fucked concept.


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