Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Will Grant Sexual Favors In Return For Folded Laundry. July 19, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:56 pm

Take your normal and average 28 year old woman and stick her in a house with four children. Make one of the children emotionally unstable, another of the children extremely naughty…. make one wicked stubborn and then go ahead and make the last one a month old.

Add to this an hour and a half of sleep a night and no husband to help out. For fun, make sure that one of the kids has just fallen down and broken five of his teeth and is in excruciating pain.

Take away the person’s car and make sure it is raining.

This potentially lethal combination of scenarios will royally fuck you up. And I am being royally fucked up the butt at the moment. The days are looong and the nights are very, very short. My eyes are burning and I keep nodding off while in the middle of tasks.

Somehow and some way the show must go on and so kid-with-busted-mouth was rushed to the dentist this morning and given some codeine. In the next week or so, he will have to have alll those teeth pulled out and big, ugly steel spacers put in. Part of me says, “Fuck it… they were fugly anyway” but the other part of me is stressing out because the kid is going to have a straight up grill on him.

Owen will be ridin’ dirty for a while. Sigh.

At the time of the great tooth shattering, the small blond one was having her head bashed in to the wall which resulted in a split skull, lots of blood and the need for some stitches. She didn’t get stitches because I couldn’t get hold of Dean and so it was dealt with the old fashioned way.

Somehow in all of this, I have been keeping up on housework, which is fucking incredible as I am a walking zombie. I have even done all the laundry although there has been no time to fold it and put it all away:

Fuck, y’all. That’s some serious laundry to sort and fold and hang up and haul away to closets and dressers. You know how people will bitch and say, “Oh my GAWD… I have a MOUNTAIN of laundry to fold.” ?

Well…. the mountain is here. In my living room. And to be perfectly honest, I fear an avalanche resulting in the complete burial of one of my children. Yes. The children who have strapped on harnesses and huge back packs and are trying to scale this giant fucker.

Hopefully, one has enough sense to bring along a sherpa to aid in navigation of the harsh (but sunshine-y fresh scented) terrain.

It’s gonna take me forever to get this shit done. In fact, I’d wager to say it might take until Christmas. In the event that that is actually the case I’m just going to say fuck it and it’ll look like this:

I goddamned hate laundry. And the sad thing is that what you can’t see from these photos is that the clothing has also been shoved right up in the ass of that chimney, too. By the time Santa manages to squeeze his fat fucking ass down that thing he’s gonna be shit out the bottom wearing my Spongebob panties and a funny expression on his merry, little face.

Someone come fold this shit for me.


18 Responses to “Will Grant Sexual Favors In Return For Folded Laundry.”

  1. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I am sorry you got so much going on:( I wish I was closer so I could help

  2. Bond Says:

    I love the tree idea…. shit, if you don’t mind wrinkles, just use the clothes right from there….

  3. Anndi Says:

    Be honest.. you’ll grant sexual favors even if I don’t ‘fold your laundry’…

    I’ll get to your pile when the laundry fairy gets to mine…

  4. Starrlight Says:

    We ARE related! I have a big huge chair and otteman that matches my couch. Have not seen it in a month. I have, I kid you not, THAT mountain of yours on my chair. You can’t see the chair under the 6 (yes 6) full loads of clean laundry on it.

    And I’d rather clean pee stained toilets than do laundry. When the ex lived with me, he did the laundry. It was ALMOST enough to make me keep him even without a job πŸ˜›

  5. Sparky Duck Says:

    Christ and I thought I hated folding laundry. I am very very bad, I do start the laundry and then um get distracted with other things somehow like a cat that sees a bug and the wife folds it. I hate folding and putting away almost as much as I hate filing. So, I would say I am no help.

    Answer to the riddle:Mistress?

  6. Matt-Man Says:

    Oddly enough, I enjoy doing laundry. It relaxes me. I like to clean and cook as well. Just sayin’…If you need some help.

  7. the108 Says:

    BRIAN: Now that you have gotten the sweet talkin’ out of your system, how’z about you tell me I have great tits and we’ll leave it that?

    BOND: Oh. I love wrinkles. I just hate continuously picking that shit up when my kids rummage through it and scatter it all over the place.

    RYAN: Okay. You got me there.

    STARR: When do I get a picture of you to add to me bitches section of my sidebar? I also need Ryan, Carol Anne, Lois, ERIN, YOU FUCKER, Top Champ… and a whole lotta others I can’t think of at this juncture.

    Sparky Duck: Nooooope… not mistress! But if you want you can come over and we’ll sit and drink beer and watch Matt-Man fold the laundry πŸ™‚

    MATT-MAN: Uh…. yeah! Can I get you to do it dressed like a scantily clad butler?

  8. Lois Grebowski Says:

    OMFG! that is one HUGE mountain of laundry! Love the Christmas tree effect…Made me laugh, gurl!

    Come over here…sit with me…we’ll have a few beers, do laundy…we got 12 machines in the basement. Then we can Fed EX it back.

    Today’s riddle answer: Depends on what part of the country you’re from…In the south it could be your daughter, wife, or coon dog…bwahahahahahaha!

  9. the108 Says:

    LOIS: lmFUCKINGASSo!!!! That’s hilarious!

  10. Anndi Says:

    Hi Mom..

    Um… can I have you here too??

    and… I’d rather watch Matt-man fold laundry in a French maid uniform.. I bet he’d prefer that too…

  11. TopChamp Says:

    you have spongebob pants!

  12. jolie-jordan Says:

    I call her a lesbian.

    Say Kyra…just maybe sex is not the answer to problems with rowdy kids. Maybe you and I should have that sex talk…you know the one about (where do babies come from Mommy?)

    Put each of the boys in a corner with a pile of laundry and Olivia in the center with the washcloths and towels and you can feed baby and glare at them while they fold. Then have a family parade to each dresser and clap after they have put all of the neatly folded laundry away…when it is all done watch sponge bob and eat ice cream cones.

    Busy hands are happy hands.

    Tell them it is hard to get a mouth full of broken teeth or have your head bashed into a wall if you are busy folding clothes. Either that or teach them to iron.

    And to keep yourself from the loonie bin you can either run away now or you can read your Thursday thirteen over and over and over again and dub it (reasons not to kill these kids). And best yet blame Dean and send them to work with him.

    Lastly…try to remember that this too will pass. I’m still alive…aren’t I? (LOL)


  13. Susie PSU Says:

    If it makes you feel any better – about a month ago, I had so much laundry to fold on my bed that I couldn’t even begin to do it, and made my husband and me sleep in the spare bedroom! He helped me with it the next day, and it took us both over 3 hours. Oh, it sucked the big one….

  14. Carol Anne Says:

    You have a ten-year old, right? And a five-year old? Teach them to fold laundry. At the very least, they can fold towels, socks, and underwear. They can fold sheets together. I make my two (8 3/4 and 5) help me with laundry. I’m a Mean Mama. But they love me anyway.

    Child labor is perfectly legal — as long as the children are your own.

  15. EC Says:

    LOL – Ok, I’m not laughing because you have all that laundry you have to fold, but I am laughing at how creative you are – who would have thought to make that into a fucking Christmas tree?? You’re the best πŸ™‚

    If I could come over and help you, you know I would!!

  16. Starrlight Says:

    Picture has been sent. Slap my bitch up!

  17. Twyla Says:

    I don’t feel so behind on my laundry now. πŸ™‚ Definitely make the kids help. I make my 5 year old fold all my towels. Basically she rolls them up in a ball and shoves them in the linen closet, but still…it’s one less thing I have to do.

  18. Little Sis Says:

    I will help you fold your laundry! I seriously don’t mind washing, drying, and folding. However, I HATE putting shit away. I refuse to put Jayk’s stuff away when I do laundry, Logan’s just lucky he’s not old enough to do it himself yet. Now, you just have to move to SC, and I won’t even charge you the sexual favors, though they would be nice! πŸ˜‰ LMAO

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