Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Any Given Saturday July 15, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:37 pm

Ahhh…. the weekend. It used to mean so much but now that Dean works on the weekends, it’s just not the same. To amuse myself, I sort of half assed documented our day to show how boring it is.

I did figure out how to get the kids to clean, something I made them do when I saw that Owen and Olivia had infiltrated my bedroom and set a bomb off in there. I took a broom and swept every single thing that was on the floor of every single room into a pile and then told the children that they had twenty minutes to do what they felt they needed to do with it because after twenty minutes, I was throwing anything left in the pile in the garbage.

I have never seen kids move so fast. And they knew I meant it, too, because I did throw away what was left in the first pile… toys that they hadn’t noticed and whatnot. I tortured them by making them watch me do this and just to add salt to the wound, I informed them that anything I found in the pile that belonged to Dean, Emi or myself counted for one toy of my choosing from their collection that I got to give away to kids who would appreciate them.

Shit… I didn’t throw my stuff on the floor.

By the end of this, my house was clean and my kids were crying. Well, the house wasn’t exactly cleaned but the toys were picked up and it needed to be vacuumed, something I am afraid to do because there is an opening in the cord on the vacuum and I’m afraid I may electrocute myself. So, I waited for Dean to get home to vacuum so that if I got electrocuted and died, my kids would have a parent there to deal with them.

What the fuck else did we do…..

Oh, once Dean got home, we had some dinner and then went to the pool and it was pretty funny down there because we were acting insane. Soon after we got back up, the kids passed out in random places, Olivia being the only one to actually pass out in her bed.

I don’t know what the hell I did after that…. oh yeah… Dean played video games and I did something embarrassing. I went here and made all of the girls in the house into fairies. The site is for the new Tinkerbell movie that is coming out and their website has a section where you can design and name your own fairy and then decorate her house. You can actually do a shitload to your fairy and I made three of them to look just like me, Olivia and Emi. I’m trying to post pictures of them, but since the fuckers blink their eyes and move and shit, it won’t let me save them.

I’m fucking hot as a fairy. Really, ridiculously hot.

Even more telling that I am a loser is that once I finished making the fairies, I actually stayed on the website and played little kiddie games.

So, the day was quite boring and normal however I did receive an injury. What happened was this:

I had to pee really badly but Olivia was in the bathroom. I stood in the hallway outside the bathroom door hopping from one foot to another and grabbing my crotch like a schoolgirl, dancing around to try to keep myself from pissing…. myself. Shit, Olivia was taking a long time.

When she finally emerged, I flew past her and launched myself onto the toilet except that Olivia had clearly applied a healthy amount of lotion to her ass because I slid right across the fucker and into the bathtub where, stunned, I sat for a minute face down with my naked butt in the air wondering what the hell had just happened.

I’m still sort of wondering what the hell happened, there.

But anyway… I banged my elbow on the faucet when I landed upside down in the tub and it hurts, but not enough for me to fake cry and make Dean kiss it. Thank gawd he was not there because he would have made fun of me all night had he witnessed this.

Hopefully, he gets off early today. Who knows.


7 Responses to “Any Given Saturday”

  1. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    sounds like a pretty normal day to me. tell olivia she rocks at nails!!!

    smiles, bee

  2. Carol Anne Says:

    Sounds like a typical weekend day at our house — except for the slipping bare assed into the tub thing. Our bathroom is too small for gymnastics of that sort.

    Make Dean kiss your boo-boo anyway.

  3. Mags Says:

    Whoa. Stop the press.

    When did you cut Owen’s hair?

    Incidentally, it looks awesome. I love seeing his eyes!!

  4. Susie PSU Says:

    You only have one bathroom? I probably would have laughed at your naked rear end in the tub!!

  5. Rocketstar Says:

    Wow, what a day! I love that pic of Deam paying the bills with Emi laying on him.

  6. the108 Says:

    BEE: Today, she painted them black.

    CAROLE ANNE: Oh…. indeed!

    MAGS: I had it cut the day before we had the family pictures taken. I hate it short… he just doesn’y look like Owen, although it looks pretty cute when it’s styled the way it’s supposed to be which you’ll see when our pictures come back…lol.

    SUSIE: For the record, you would have loved it. And we o have another full bathroom but there is currently a toy stuck in it and it needs to be snaked. Yeh.

    ROCKET: I love that one, too… almost as much as the poop in the tub one you posted 🙂

  7. jolie-jordan Says:

    oh the joys of family life and weekends. I love the pics. Owens hair is cute.

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