Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

The Community Wiener July 5, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:02 pm

The Community Wiener was a polish sausage named Jim. He came in a package of eight and was randomly selected along with three others to be roasted up on the grill and sacrificed for the Fourth of July Dinner. Along with the four polish sausages were four ordinary and inconspicuous hot dogs of the Oscar Meyer variety… not the Ballpark variety as I do so enjoy.

Jim’s fate was to be a very simple death atop a bun with a slathering of ketchup. Lots of ketchup. He was accidentally overcooked a bit on the grill which was of no real consequence to myself as both Dean and I tend to enjoy our wieners burnt to a crisp on the outer side. Luckily, the hot dogs were yanked from the hot grill before they had a chance to blacken as the large, picky child wouldn’t touch them if they weren’t perfect.

In fact, the hot dog’s were only really there to entertain the appetite of the eldest child who would never touch a polish sausage such as Jim as he is a culinary racist. If it is not white or damn close, he will not eat it.

The two middle children will eat just about anything or, at the very least, will try it. However, we made them hot dogs as well and accompanied them with potato salad, chips and coleslaw. Strangely, an awful lot of white food not to be touched by the Food Nazi.

He ate Cheezits. Ew.

After the meal, there was one lone sausage left sitting on the plate and it was Jim. He had very mixed emotions about this… part of him feeling very relieved that he was not eaten and part of him feeling sad for not being chosen. Whatever he was feeling didn’t really matter as there was suddenly the top of a blond head floating next to the table, followed by a pair of shockingly blue eyes, an upturned nose, two rosy lips and an elfish chin. Predictably, the shoulder, right arm and hand followed and she reached out upon spying Jim on the plate and grabbed him up.

Then, she bit his head off.

The blond one walked around with a partially mauled Jim in her hand for a few minutes before she abandoned him to the coffee table due to a sudden lack of interest. He remained there for a quarter of an hour until he was spotted by the second eldest child who in turn decided to wander around with him, often nibbling him down into a skinless ghost of what Jim once was. Once he was about half eaten by the savages, he was abandoned once again and this time was located by myself and thrown at Dean because it is rather funny to lob a greasy polish sausage at someone. This action, of course, prompted others to throw the sausage and it was turned into a game of sorts until Owen was spotted nibbling on it once again.

Eventually, Jim met his demise when he was torn in half and given to the cats.

Of course, this created problems and Olivia stole John’s piece and ate it and then John stole Amy’s piece and ate it and it’s all very confusing as to who and how many people actually ate the wiener. It seems that almost everyone in the house other than the food Nazi had a go at it.

Jim was one brave wiener, he was.


2 Responses to “The Community Wiener”

  1. Lois Grebowski Says:

    too funny!

  2. Morgen Says:

    wow. most weiners don’t have half as exciting an adventure.
    I know mine doesn’t.

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