Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Questions For God July 2, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 4:42 pm

Hey, God… I gotta question for ya. Actually… a few questions. So, bear with me.

– Why do birds always poop ON something? I have spent a lot of time on my balcony lately and I have been observing the birds at great length. I am noticing that it seems they are deliberately shitting on people’s stuff instead of just shitting on the ground. It is very rare that I am walking through the grass and seeing bird shit everywhere I step. I find this strange. Then, over the weekend while I was spying on the birds, I saw one intentionally direct his feces to our neighbors party awning that they had put up to keep their guests out of the sun. The bird swooped in and then noticed the awning and veered left with the sole intention of taking a dump on it.

How is it that my car will be covered in poop but the ground around my car is not?

What’s up with these birds?

– Why are window treatments no longer called valances and are now called window treatments? That confuses me and I don’t like it. Valance, I could understand. It was just a name like kettle or carpet. Now, it is called window treatment and it always makes me think that it is some kind of cleaning agent or something you might rub on the glass to repel rain or something. A window does not need treatment for anything that I can see, but it does need a valance or a curtain… maybe some blinds or a shade.

But it doesn’t need treatment.

-Why can’t you be more like Buddha? I can’t help but notice that you are a vindictive, little bitch. No offense… it’s just an observation.

But seriously… you got things all fucked up in the world. You’re doing a terrible job. I am calling for your impeachment.

I’m better than you, you know. I don’t possess powers or anything fantastic and I’m still better than you because I don’t hurt people and because I care about everyone and everything. I don’t ruin people’s lives and I don’t do bad things other than curse and whatever. I try to help people and teach them and I’m a human being who makes mistakes and learns from them.

But you…. you abuse your power and toy with people and fuck up every one’s lives. I’m on to you. I know this is all a manipulative game that you play to entertain yourself because you are a lonely little fucker. I’ll show you some Old Testament, you bastard.

Some day, people will wise up to you and then you’re gonna be fucked.

Just a head’s up. Oh, and if you can get back about the birds and the window thing, I’d greatly appreciate it.


8 Responses to “Questions For God”

  1. Mags Says:

    I can appreciate the humor in this, but I heart God.


    Don’t hate me cause of it, k?

    I wonder about those birds too.

  2. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I am going to start worshipping you:) I am starting to build my shrine tonight..

  3. Brian in Mpls Says:

    PS Maybe God made birds little shits so we wouldn’t feel so bad when we eat them

  4. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    don’t say heads up to god cause of the bird thingy honey….

    smiles, bee

  5. EC Says:

    Loving it!! I’m not a God fan personally, so that just cracked me up, lol.

  6. Bond Says:

    :::steps back five paces::: ummm interesting Kyra…see the way my last 2-3 years have been i could have posted the same thing…except he would hit me with lightening…just my luck

  7. Little Sis Says:

    I like the “Why can’t you be more like Buddha?”

    Priceless. I miss you. A lot. I need there to be about 4 more hours in a day..It would help out so much! Think you could ask for that too?!

  8. Anonymous Says:

    quite frankly, it is beautiful that you understand the power of God which is absolutely unquestionable. However, your relationship with the Most High seems to be in question. You should try asking for forgiveness and maybe you guys can start over.

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