Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Say What? July 1, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:19 am

Tis’ the perfect night for a little drunk bloggin’ and damn it if Erin hasn’t already started without me and logged off.

I have a few things of interest to discuss with you all while I’m drunk and willing to share. Let’s get cozy and shoooot the shit, shall we.

First… I’m gonna come right out there with it, oh yes I am. Ever since I had the baby, I have been having spontaneous orgasms. Loads of them. Like, ten or so a day.

It’s very weird.

I’ll just be sitting here thinking about how we need some toilet paper and BOOM! I’ll have a full blown, leg shaking orgasm. And it’s not like the idea of wiping my ass gets me all hot. It could be anything, I tellya, anything at all and there I am with my O- face on.

How does this happen??

I’m gonna be honest. It’s kinda annoying.

On another note, we went today and had family portraits done. I realized something while we there and the sucky bitch photographer put zero effort into making my kids smile. I would make a fantastic child photographer.

Which I have decided to become.

Once Dean and I move, I’m going to apply for a small business loan and turn a room of our house into a studio. I have a good eye for that shit and an uncanny way of getting kids to smile or laugh.

I have realized that this is because I am shameless.

I have no problem going the extra mile for a laugh even if it means farting or picking my nose.

And speaking of picking your nose…. I hate it when I cut my nails too short and it makes nose picking rather tedious and with a lesser appreciated final outcome. I recently cut my nails so I wouldn’t scratch up Emi and then I regretted it because my nose picking was very unsatisfactory.

Fuck. It’s hot in here.

Speaking of hot…. my cleavage is rockin’ right now. Just thought I’d mention.

Holy cow… I can’t believe that I am spelling correctly. Even drunk, I am a genius.

I am now going to ask Dean for a good topic to discuss.

I shall now conduct an interview with Dean.

Me: So, Dean. Are you mad that I used your razor to shave my crotch?

He: No. Should I be?

Me: No.

Me again: Hey, Dean.

He: Yes?

Me: After I shaved my crotch, I weighed myself and was three pounds lighter.

He: Say what, now?

Me: After I shaved my crotch, I weighed myself and was three pounds lighter.

He: Well, there is no way you shaved off three pounds of hair.

Me: Yeah, but I didn’t shave during the last couple of months of my pregnancy because I couldn’t find my vagina.

He: It’s not like you have ever been Sasquatch or anything.

Me: Good.

End of interview.

I feel like getting a big, fucking tattoo on my face. Like Mike Tyson. Even though I think he is an illiterate dick.

Man, it’s really hot in here.

Did I tell you guys that I have decided to start a large and potentially obnoxious collection of trucker hats? This comes as a tribute to one of my cartoons… a goodie called Squidbillies, which you can sample in my sidebar.

Well, the lead character on this show wears a variety of trucker hats and my personal favorite is one that just says BOOTY HUNTER on it. I want one to match. So… a little heads up when birthday time rolls around and you are all out digging for the perfect gift.

There it is. Funny ass trucker hats.

This morning, I had a grand plan to take the kids to the park and wrangle us up some more kids once we got there to play a fat ass game of kickball. I am so in the mood to play some sports with some kids. I’m sort of bouncing off the walls a bit, which is weird as last night, Olivia and I went shopping together for a few hours and I got sooo tired that, without realizing what time it was, I guzzled a humongous energy drink.

It was ten o’clock at night.

Guees who had a hard time getting to sleep?

Surprisingly, not me.Somebody may have but it wasn’t moi.

I would like, now, to discuss something very, very scary. I have become much worse with the bizarre things I do in my sleep. You know how I used to eat food and not even know it? Well, now I have very long and descriptive conversations with Dean in my sleep. It is starting to weird me out because I am totally asleep… not like Dean who does bizarre shit while only half asleep.

Last week, the baby woke up and I got her out of bed and sat down on the foot of my bed and was holding her. I realized that she wanted a pacifier but there wasn’t one so I asked Dean to go fetch me a binkie. He gets up out of bed like a normal human being and is gone for a few minutes and I assume he is having a hard time locating one of her favorites.

Then, he returns to the room and tries to hand me…. a boxcutter.

“Um……,” I say. “What are you doing with that boxcutter?”

“You told me to go get you one,” he replies.

“Uh, nooooo. I asked you to get me a pacifier.”

“What the fuck, Kyra. You asked me to get you a boxcutter, “he says now seeming agitated.

“What the hell would I want a goddamned boxcutter for??” I say.

“Hell, I dunno, “he says and leaves. He comes back in with a pacifier and I look at him and ask, “Where did ya put the knife?” and he replies, “Back in the toolbox.”

“Are you awake right now?”


“Are you SURE you put the boxcutter back in the toolbox?”


“Okay. Freak.”

He does this weird shit but very rarely. One night, he was asleep when I went to bed. We had been arguing and when I got into bed, I found a tire iron on my pillow. I did not sleep that night. He had no idea how the hell the tire iron got there the next morning and just laughed.

My ex boyfriend once beat my ass while he was sound asleep because he was dreaming that he had been attacked.

It was weird.

I gotta go. I have business to take care of.


4 Responses to “Say What?”

  1. EC Says:

    WOW! And I wasn’t here to experience that kind of drunkeness?? DAMN, I’m so pissed, lol. That would have been one fun conversation 🙂 I’m glad you opened up about so many things in life, lol… especially shaving the crotch. I REALLY needed to know that 😉 Hope you had a great night!!

  2. TopChamp Says:

    ha ha – you’re funny pissed.

  3. Brian in Mpls Says:

    This gets my award for best drunken post of all time:)…lol

  4. Anonymous Says:

    you are a pretty good writer, even while you are drunk.

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