the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Humbling Self Realizations. July 31, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:58 pm

Well, I have fucked up in front of all of you and want to step up and address it and apologize. It’s about my kids.

When I started this blog it was because I had a blog on Myspace and I was under a lot of stress and feeling pretty awful about things and I wanted to have a place where I could open up and speak freely without hurting my husband and my family who has access to my myspace blog.

I’m not going to lie or make excuses… sometimes the things I say are just wrong and I tend to not realize it at the time due to my own rationalizations and selfish needs to turn the things in my life that bother me into a joke, something humorous that I can laugh at and pretend is just normal, every day things. It’s a way for me to make the issues smaller somehow in the hopes that they won’t bother me so much.

Other times, I just say things without even knowing why anymore.

But I’m going to be honest here because it’s important to me and my family that I do so.

I love my family. I love my kids. They are all I have and my marriage has fallen apart and I have no friends and so my kids are my world and I have done the wrong thing by them when I treat them as though they are my friends instead of my children. I have used them to replace things in my life that I am lacking in… adult companionship, humor, freedom from the dark thoughts that I have. The silly and weird times that we have together are something that I hold on to even when I am rolling my eyes.

I write about the great moments and the shitty ones on here and it has been brought to my attention that it seems as though I hate my kids and that one day, they will read my words and feel awful. This message from a friend has made me realize that she is right and that I need to make some vast improvements when it comes to them.

Getting this message made me vomit. Literally. Not because I was angry or upset with anyone other than myself but because a parent never likes to be told that she is a bad parent especially when it is true. I have known for a long time that I never should have punished children by becoming their mother but there has always been a part of me that hoped that no one else realized it, too. It’s time to make changes, especially now.

I suppose it’s as good time as any to tell you guys that Dean and I are getting a divorce. My kids will need me now more than ever before and I can no longer pretend or laugh away the imperfections.

I have always fought for them in strange ways. Just not in the right ways.

Matt gets the brunt force of it all. People hate him and have always treated him like shit. I used to get so angry and upset that I just got rid of the people in my life that were hurtful to him or who were hurtful to me about him. I heard so many things about Matt and people treated him in such a way that I was embarrassed and ran away. After a while, I began reacting to people’s attitudes to him by making it meaningless.

Remember that scene in the movie 8 Mile with Eminem where he has to go up on stage and be blasted by the other guy and he comes out and basically spews out all of the bad things about himself before the other guy can do it. He makes it so that anything the guy says means nothing. He has already said it all and he has done it in a way that says, “so what if I am these things? So what if I am poor and I’m this or I’m that…? So what? Your words can’t hurt me now because I have said them first.”

This seems to be how I have come to deal with my kids. Sigh. And the worst part of it is, it’s intentional.

I figure if I call it out and admit to the world the flaws that they have, then no one else will have a chance to say it or make them feel it. Matthew is always so very aware that he is disliked by people and I can sit in his bed with him and tell him the world over how much I love him, how smart he is, how amazing… but he doesn’t care what I have to say. He cares when it’s other people.

Now, Owen is going through the same thing and the person doing it to him is Matt.

The thing is… I love my kids the way they are. I love them when they are silly or when they are giving me a run for my money. They are a handful and I need them to be because without it, I’m nothing. I’m certainly not a wife or a daughter or a friend to anyone anymore. I joke with them a lot to downplay their faults… an example being Matt’s weight. I joke to downplay their faults to myself. If my biggest issue is that Matt is overweight then no one has to know or think about the bigger things at hand.

You know… it’s never easy to be a parent. You are constantly scrutinized and you are always doing the wrong thing. It’s very difficult to have such strong motivation to be the picture perfect model parent when you start out and then… life starts happening and you start fucking up. You’re not as careful as you once were or as quick to jump up to do the right thing as often. Some people fail completely and some people excel and then there are people like me who walk the line between knowing that I am both great for them and awful for them.

I’m not a good mother. In fact, I suppose I’m a pretty lousy one. It’s a lot of pressure to hold this sort of responsibility in your hands and it’s was very easy for e to judge other people’s parenting before I had kids myself and realized just how much this pressure can get to you, how you have to constantly weigh what it is you are doing and how it will affect them. There is no room for mistakes and I am making plenty of them.

Back when Life was good and uncomplicated, maybe I was better. But now, it seems I can’t catch a little slack these days.

I have four children who I would fight to the death for. I have a husband who has unraveled before my eyes no matter what I have tried to do to prevent it. I am in a situation where we have no money. I have been drowning in stress for a very long time and I have given up a lot of myself to stand behind everyone else, to support them, be there for them, shield them from this disaster of a life. But… my mistakes do not go unnoticed and I can always do better and it is high time I use the feedback I am getting lately and make these changes.

I am hearing it a lot lately, really, from my friends. I am discovering many, many ways that I have really let things fall apart. I’m glad that I have friends who care enough to point out my flaws so that I may make improvements, but I’m not going to lie:

It hurts. It really hurts.

Do you think that I don’t know every single thing that is wrong with me? I know that I can be better. I will try to be better. I am trying. I have been trying for years to be what everyone needs me to be and in return, I am not being anything at all for me except here on this blog where I can make light of all the shit that is happening. I have tried to be there for anyone who needs me and I have always tried to be a good friend, but I am still failing and this time, it’s at the one thing that is more important to me than anything… my children.

I want to apologize to you all. I want to apologize to my kids. I understand that my love for them has become questionable and I regret making it that way. And I am not saying this to be a smart ass or anything like that as I know that it can be hard to read what someone is saying but… thank you to all of you who have been emailing me with concerns and advice on how I can be better. It makes me happy to know that you all have enough faith in me to know that I can take on the challenge of being a better person.

I’m a big baby. I’m sitting here sobbing out of embarrassment. To know that this is how some of you feel makes me really worry how my kids feel.

I have a blog that I write to them in called Dear Little’s. I so badly wanted to separate the two people inside me… the patient and adoring mother and the mother that has frustrations and worries and deals with them how she can. But, It hasn’t worked out because I haven’t separated them at all.

You will read some changes in this blog from now on. I’m not going to ridicule my kids or go off on any tangents about my life as a mom or anything like that anymore. I’m not going to “make fun” of the situations here anymore and I am going to try to remember that they are very serious situations and fully concentrate all of my energy on them.

Again… I am sorry that I have let down my friends and my children. I’m going to work really hard on not repeating these mistakes. I also want to apologize for my post this morning that was very offensive to my kids. I hadn’t posted anything happy in a long time and I suppose that I was sort of eager to be able to laugh at something and I did it all wrong.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I won’t let this thing happen anymore. I love my kids so much and I’m sorry that I have hurt them in front of you all and I will fix it somehow with them.

I have hurt them and you’re right. They are this way because I failed them big time. I’m sorry guys.

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Manic Monday-Miss July 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:09 pm

Of everyone I’ve said goodbye to in my life, you are the one person I miss the most. I think about you so often, almost to the point where it’s all consuming. I think about how I could have made you happy had I not screwed it all up with one bad choice after another.

You used to smile and when it was there it was one of those smiles that laughed itself right off of your face. You could see it in your eyes. Everything seemed funny to you when things were supposed to be funny and when they weren’t… well, you weren’t laughing.

It’s funny that I’ve known you all of your life but it wasn’t until you were almost an adult that I realized just how important you were to me, how much I really needed you. That’s what it was… I needed you so bad and for a long time you were always there and you fought hard for us and lived every single moment as if it really meant something to you. You gave yourself to our relationship 100% and with you, I was never better, never more beautiful or intelligent or talented. You made me so aware of how much you valued me. Because of you, I tried harder because I never doubted myself and it was because of you that the days and nights were worth facing.

Then, you met him.

He took you away from me and from there, it was all downhill, but my love for you kept me going. It kept me fighting for the happiness that we had envisioned for ourselves, the salvation that was coming. I knew that this was your main goal in life after everything that you had been through. I knew that you were just sitting there waiting patiently, chugging along until the day when you woke up and… nothing was wrong. You’ve waited so long for the reward, the payment for all of your perseverance and good will.

It’s all I ever wanted for you, for us. And it’s what made me love him right along with you even when I couldn’t understand why…. I listened to you rationalize all of the crazy things he did to you and I forgave right along beside you. I could feel your love for him although I have never understood it. I watched you start to evaporate.

For some reason the last few years of your life have been filled with both joy and heartache. I was there with you when your first child was born and I watched how he made you stronger. I was there with you on that airplane that took your family far away and I saw the arrival of your second son, held your hand during the devastation that I saw building in your marriage. I welcomed the return of smiles and laughter when you came back home and then I watched in despair as you couldn’t hold on any longer.

Your little girls… I saw those little girls as they were born into this crazy world you have created for yourself, this lie that you are living for everyone but me. I’m your best friend, the one who knows you better than anyone else and I could see through it all even though you thought I couldn’t.

You’re gone now and I miss you so much. He has ruined you, turned you into a scared, little girl, unsure of who she is and doubting anything and everything you once recognized as worth in yourself. This is not you, I said for many years but even now I cannot deny that you have given up on yourself and I see the emptiness in your eyes where smiles once were. I see everything, you know…. the way you flinch when the phone rings and refuse to answer it because you are afraid of who is on the other line and what they are going to tell you… I see how you step closer and closer to the edge of accepting things as they are and it scares me. I watch as you lie awake at night and wander around your house looking at the faces of your children and I know it is because you are trying desperately to convince yourself that all is not lost. I hear you sing to them and kiss that spot on the corners of each of their little mouths, that corner where you believe all of their secrets live and I see you reach out your hand and place it on their heads with your eyes shut as if you are trying to flood their subconscious minds with happy thoughts all the while removing the ones that hurt.

My heart has been breaking these last few weeks because now I am watching you and seeing a very different person. Maybe you think I don’t notice or understand but I always understand. I see that you have stopped eating and I watch how peaceful you seem when you stand up and get dizzy and sit back down. I hear you tell yourself that the disorientation is the only thing that feels right anymore. You look so calm that I can’t argue with it or lecture you on your health because I really do know that this sense of disorientation and peace is something that you need. I see that it is your only escape and that you don’t WANT to feel like yourself and so you stay so very far away….

I see that you rarely sleep anymore and I figure it is for the same reason… it induces an almost constant state of numbness that you find welcome after so long. I watched you accidentally burn your hand last week and your skin was singed, the smell of burning flesh popping into the air like a firework going off and you just looked down at it and…. nothing. You looked curious as to how it had happened and then when the pain set in, your eyes cast that peaceful glaze again as though you had just been reminded that you are, in fact, still alive.

This person is someone I hurt for. This taciturn ghost that you have become, who once gave me so much hope even when things were bad.. that your distance was temporary…. that person is gone far away now and I have become as convinced as you are that she will never return.

I still love you. I miss you so much the way you once were and it is that love that keeps me here watching you destroy yourself. I feel like I should stand guard over you but even I know that I am powerless to stop anything that might happen.

The girl who sings songs and dances around, who always has a joke or something fascinating to say… the one who hugs as though the hug will rip all the hurt from someone, who wishes that she could absorb everyone else’s pain…

It looks as though you succeeded in that and it has cost you. You are no longer alive the way you were and no one ever thought this would happen and now you are just gone… drifting aimlessly through your life with no wants and desires.

I wish I could see you again and tell you that it’s okay and let you know why you mean so much to me. Maybe it could save you somehow.

I miss you…..

-Author Unknown

 

Lookin’ At The World…. July 27, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 9:50 pm

This graphic above is one I made today and was inspired by one of the great minds of the bloggerworld… the extremely sexy, Matt-Man.

It is the second in a string of alcohol related works or art, the first being Brian’s Hard Johnson bottle. His Hard Johnson itself being a thing of great beauty….

Whatcha think?

You know… It just dawned on me that Matt-Man and Brian could be like brothers. They remind me of each other. Which fullfills most of my deepest fantasies.

 

Scorpio

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:13 pm

I’ve been worrying like crazy, lately, about my status as a living being. Since I’m a Scorpio and Scorpio is ruled by the planet Pluto and Pluto is no longer a planet….. does this mean that I cease to exist???

This is freaking me the fuck out. I’m just a mess over it.

 

Friday Rounds

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:57 pm

Good morning, my crunchy, little intern nuggets. Today’s patient is a 26 year old woman who is presenting with the following symptoms:

-After spending a few hours out in the sun the patient noticed a rash not typical with a sunburn that was spreading across her face. The rash started out with an acne-like appearance and then became more scaly.

-Has been experiencing cramping and swelling in her hands.

-Frothy and tea colored urine

-Swelling in the ankles

-Chronic headaches resulting in dizziness and poor vision.

-episodes of shortness of breath and chest pains.

-ongoing, extreme exhaustion.

-sores and ulcers in the mouth.

-hair loss

-abdominal discomfort, nausea and vomiting resulting in weight loss.

Whoa. This chick is all screwed up and it’s up to the interns to figure out what is going on so that she may be treated effectively.

As usual, leave your diagnosis in the comments section… wrong answers will be posted, correct answers will not until the end of the day.

Interns who correctly diagnose the patient will be rewarded with THIS sexy moustache:

Good luck!

 

Shameless Begging July 26, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 4:25 pm

Alright. I need someone to go in my template section and add a third panel without changing anything else. I’m sure someone could explain it to me but I’m retarded when it comes to this stuff and would much rather hand over a password. Anybody??? Anybody???

I am offering wicked, nasty web cam action in return. And don’t tell me you can’t do it!! I see how many of you have three columns, you fuckers! And don’t you know I have been spending months trying to get a third column without altering my template???

C’mon….. help a sista out!

 

Thursday Thirteen- Childhood

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:53 am
Here is my childhood in thirteen pictures:

1. This is me being carried around by some man I don’t know. I was just under two and I think this guy is one of my foster fathers. At any rate… looks like we’re at a picnic or something.

2. This is me on my second birthday. I remember everything about my life from 18 months on and so this is all really weird. I knocked this toy off the table and almost killed myself lunging after it.

3.This is me in 1980 when I was just two years old. It’s Christmas time and at 18 months I had been removed from my biological family and put in the hospital to recover from the first part of my life. This picture was taken in my fourth foster home betwen August and December.

4. This here is me and Santa and my older foster sister, Renee. I remember that she used to tie bedsheets around my ass and make me drink out of baby bottles pretending that I was her child. It was funny.

5.Easter of 1981… this kid with me was another foster child where I lived. His name was Billy and I used to have to take baths with him but after he pooped in the tub and used his poo as a canoe for his G.I Joe’s, I didn’t have to take baths with him anymore.

6. My third birthday. I don’t know who that lady is but she obviously cracked me the fuck up.

7. 1981 and I am ridin’ dirrrrty on my phat ass Big Wheel. Man, I was so hot. No wonder Billy wanted me so bad.

8. Me and my foster dad. His name was Marc and I think I remember really liking him and his wife, Linda.

9. Me and Renee again. I got my lollipop stuck in her hair during this photo shoot and it was a real bitch for Linda to get it out.

10. And here is the pic where the lollipop got stuck. It’s me, Renee and the tub-pooper.

11. Here I am in the first grade a year or so after I was adopted. My teachers name was Mrs. Hibbits and I suspect that she was one of those lesbians who married a man because she was in denial. But she was awesome, probably because of the suspected lesbian thing because as everyone knows….. lesbians are the coolest.

12. I started playing soccer when I was four and played for the majority of my life until I left home. I was the youngest person to play on my high school varsity team and didn’t even attend high school at the time. I was in the eighth grade and at the junior high for the district. After I switched high schools, I didn’t play for my new one but stuck with indoor soccer which I had also started playing when I was really young. I really thought I was going to play soccer for a living when I grew up..lol.

13. I wanted to kill my mother for this outrageous haircut. The grudge holds even today. I hate the old shrew.

So… that’s thirteen signs of proof to all of my friends in Florida who really thought I just emerged from the sky at 16 that I really was a child at one point with a life and things happening and stuff.
Maybe one of these thursday’s I’ll see if I can’t bust out the teenage years. Scary.