Well, I have fucked up in front of all of you and want to step up and address it and apologize. It’s about my kids.
When I started this blog it was because I had a blog on Myspace and I was under a lot of stress and feeling pretty awful about things and I wanted to have a place where I could open up and speak freely without hurting my husband and my family who has access to my myspace blog.
I’m not going to lie or make excuses… sometimes the things I say are just wrong and I tend to not realize it at the time due to my own rationalizations and selfish needs to turn the things in my life that bother me into a joke, something humorous that I can laugh at and pretend is just normal, every day things. It’s a way for me to make the issues smaller somehow in the hopes that they won’t bother me so much.
Other times, I just say things without even knowing why anymore.
But I’m going to be honest here because it’s important to me and my family that I do so.
I love my family. I love my kids. They are all I have and my marriage has fallen apart and I have no friends and so my kids are my world and I have done the wrong thing by them when I treat them as though they are my friends instead of my children. I have used them to replace things in my life that I am lacking in… adult companionship, humor, freedom from the dark thoughts that I have. The silly and weird times that we have together are something that I hold on to even when I am rolling my eyes.
I write about the great moments and the shitty ones on here and it has been brought to my attention that it seems as though I hate my kids and that one day, they will read my words and feel awful. This message from a friend has made me realize that she is right and that I need to make some vast improvements when it comes to them.
Getting this message made me vomit. Literally. Not because I was angry or upset with anyone other than myself but because a parent never likes to be told that she is a bad parent especially when it is true. I have known for a long time that I never should have punished children by becoming their mother but there has always been a part of me that hoped that no one else realized it, too. It’s time to make changes, especially now.
I suppose it’s as good time as any to tell you guys that Dean and I are getting a divorce. My kids will need me now more than ever before and I can no longer pretend or laugh away the imperfections.
I have always fought for them in strange ways. Just not in the right ways.
Matt gets the brunt force of it all. People hate him and have always treated him like shit. I used to get so angry and upset that I just got rid of the people in my life that were hurtful to him or who were hurtful to me about him. I heard so many things about Matt and people treated him in such a way that I was embarrassed and ran away. After a while, I began reacting to people’s attitudes to him by making it meaningless.
Remember that scene in the movie 8 Mile with Eminem where he has to go up on stage and be blasted by the other guy and he comes out and basically spews out all of the bad things about himself before the other guy can do it. He makes it so that anything the guy says means nothing. He has already said it all and he has done it in a way that says, “so what if I am these things? So what if I am poor and I’m this or I’m that…? So what? Your words can’t hurt me now because I have said them first.”
This seems to be how I have come to deal with my kids. Sigh. And the worst part of it is, it’s intentional.
I figure if I call it out and admit to the world the flaws that they have, then no one else will have a chance to say it or make them feel it. Matthew is always so very aware that he is disliked by people and I can sit in his bed with him and tell him the world over how much I love him, how smart he is, how amazing… but he doesn’t care what I have to say. He cares when it’s other people.
Now, Owen is going through the same thing and the person doing it to him is Matt.
The thing is… I love my kids the way they are. I love them when they are silly or when they are giving me a run for my money. They are a handful and I need them to be because without it, I’m nothing. I’m certainly not a wife or a daughter or a friend to anyone anymore. I joke with them a lot to downplay their faults… an example being Matt’s weight. I joke to downplay their faults to myself. If my biggest issue is that Matt is overweight then no one has to know or think about the bigger things at hand.
You know… it’s never easy to be a parent. You are constantly scrutinized and you are always doing the wrong thing. It’s very difficult to have such strong motivation to be the picture perfect model parent when you start out and then… life starts happening and you start fucking up. You’re not as careful as you once were or as quick to jump up to do the right thing as often. Some people fail completely and some people excel and then there are people like me who walk the line between knowing that I am both great for them and awful for them.
I’m not a good mother. In fact, I suppose I’m a pretty lousy one. It’s a lot of pressure to hold this sort of responsibility in your hands and it’s was very easy for e to judge other people’s parenting before I had kids myself and realized just how much this pressure can get to you, how you have to constantly weigh what it is you are doing and how it will affect them. There is no room for mistakes and I am making plenty of them.
Back when Life was good and uncomplicated, maybe I was better. But now, it seems I can’t catch a little slack these days.
I have four children who I would fight to the death for. I have a husband who has unraveled before my eyes no matter what I have tried to do to prevent it. I am in a situation where we have no money. I have been drowning in stress for a very long time and I have given up a lot of myself to stand behind everyone else, to support them, be there for them, shield them from this disaster of a life. But… my mistakes do not go unnoticed and I can always do better and it is high time I use the feedback I am getting lately and make these changes.
I am hearing it a lot lately, really, from my friends. I am discovering many, many ways that I have really let things fall apart. I’m glad that I have friends who care enough to point out my flaws so that I may make improvements, but I’m not going to lie:
It hurts. It really hurts.
Do you think that I don’t know every single thing that is wrong with me? I know that I can be better. I will try to be better. I am trying. I have been trying for years to be what everyone needs me to be and in return, I am not being anything at all for me except here on this blog where I can make light of all the shit that is happening. I have tried to be there for anyone who needs me and I have always tried to be a good friend, but I am still failing and this time, it’s at the one thing that is more important to me than anything… my children.
I want to apologize to you all. I want to apologize to my kids. I understand that my love for them has become questionable and I regret making it that way. And I am not saying this to be a smart ass or anything like that as I know that it can be hard to read what someone is saying but… thank you to all of you who have been emailing me with concerns and advice on how I can be better. It makes me happy to know that you all have enough faith in me to know that I can take on the challenge of being a better person.
I’m a big baby. I’m sitting here sobbing out of embarrassment. To know that this is how some of you feel makes me really worry how my kids feel.
I have a blog that I write to them in called Dear Little’s. I so badly wanted to separate the two people inside me… the patient and adoring mother and the mother that has frustrations and worries and deals with them how she can. But, It hasn’t worked out because I haven’t separated them at all.
You will read some changes in this blog from now on. I’m not going to ridicule my kids or go off on any tangents about my life as a mom or anything like that anymore. I’m not going to “make fun” of the situations here anymore and I am going to try to remember that they are very serious situations and fully concentrate all of my energy on them.
Again… I am sorry that I have let down my friends and my children. I’m going to work really hard on not repeating these mistakes. I also want to apologize for my post this morning that was very offensive to my kids. I hadn’t posted anything happy in a long time and I suppose that I was sort of eager to be able to laugh at something and I did it all wrong.
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I won’t let this thing happen anymore. I love my kids so much and I’m sorry that I have hurt them in front of you all and I will fix it somehow with them.
I have hurt them and you’re right. They are this way because I failed them big time. I’m sorry guys.