Yesterday, I was outside with the kids when I heard that distinctive sound that sends kids into a whining frenzy. It was an ice cream truck. A very loud ice ream truck.
The truck pulls up and sits in front of my house for about a half hour, which drives me insane because (A) the music sucks and (B) my kids freak the fuck out wanting ice cream. I’m not kidding when I say that the music was playing really, really loud for some reason. It was blasting like there was a hot party goin’ on. Then, I realized that something with the music was very off and it took me a minute to realize what it was:
It was playing Christmas music.
What the fuck? I listened very carefully to make sure that I was simply mistaking the song for another, but sure as shit, Greensleeves was droning out from the speakers. I assumed that maybe it was a fluke but then the next song started. It was fucking Frosty the Snowman.
The CD went through Silent Night, Here Comes Santa Claus, Rudolph, Winter Wonderland, Little Drummer Boy and just about every other song you can think of that signifies Christmas.
Obviously… this seems a little odd to me.
First of all…… it’s fucking June. It’s hot and you are selling ice cream. Because it’s hot. And NOT cold, which it typically is in December. When Christmas is. Second… why in the hell would an ice cream truck have Christmas music installed to it anyway?? It is not like you see them out trying to sell the shit at Christmas. Fuck, no! No one would buy it because at Christmas… it’s fucking freezing out!
I’m very puzzled by this whole thing, really. I want to go straight down there to that ice cream truck and ask the guy, “Hey! Are you trying to fuck with me??” and see what he says. I won’t buy ice cream, though, because I’m quite certain that this bizarre behavior is because he is a child molester and uses the Christmas music to lure children into the truck where he is dressed as Santa and stuffs the poor bastards into a big sack as they peer inside looking for gifts.
I just know this. I do. Because ice cream truck drivers are weird enough as it is so anytime they decide to exaggerate their creepiness with supplemental questionable acts, you assume that it is because they wish to molest or otherwise manhandle the children.
And as I am a protector of children (when I’m not beating them) I feel that it is my duty to investigate the intentions of the Christmas music ice cream man. You you… do a little covert ops. Feeeeel him out a little bit. Try to get in his head.
Ice cream truck drivers are never hot. Why is that? You never walk up to get your rocket pop and are greeted by a hot, shirtless, totally ripped guy in tight jeans. Nope. It’s always some toothless, fugly ass with a sort of ragged beard and a crazy look in his eye. And often times, a peg leg if you get a decent look at him.
It’s all very strange, but I must get to the bottom of the ice cream truck mysteries.