It is becoming next to impossible to keep leaving her every night. The first night, I snuggled her and kissed her and told her I love her before heading out. Last night, I had a bit harder time putting her back down, but somehow managed.
Tonight, I cried hysterically and sobbed and snotted all over her and clung to her and smothered her to death.
I cried while I kissed her goodnight. I cried as I was let off the ward. I cried all the way to the elevator and for the entire ride home. And, I am crying right now. Sniff.
The day started off with me going to the hospital expecting that they hadn’t drawn any more labs on my daughter. In fact, they HAD drawn labs on her for cbc and her bili screen and were waiting on the results. Today’s nurse does not want me to hold my daughter and says I have to feed her from her incubator thingy. I am thinking that this sucks. Then, the nurse asks me to leave because she is going to insert a catheter. I ask her why in the world she is doing that and she tells me that they suspect a urinary tract infection for no real reason.
I am beginning to think that they just like to insert things in my daughter in the most painful manner they can. First, it is x-rays for pneumonia and then it is urinary tract infections and then oxygen levels.
Today, the doctor told me that her bili levels have come down low enough for me to bring her home this evening. Then, at 6, they tell me she has to stay because her oxygen levels in her bloodstream sometimes drop to 80% and stay like that for a few seconds before they go back up to 99%. This has been going on for days and every imaginable test that can be run, has been and all of the other doctors say that she is just weird.
I am really upset for a few reasons.
The first reason I’m upset is because when I take her out of her incubator and remove her mask and hold her for a while, her stats become perfect and don’t change. After a few minutes on the lamps, her shit gets crazy and jumps all over the place. I am beginning to wonder if she’s not just stressed the fuck out since she has needles all over her body, electrodes everywhere, a mask on her face and they have now drawn so much blood from her that today they had to take it from the inside of her wrist because her hands and feet are too damaged from being poked so much. They tell me the next place they will take it from is her head. Why they continue to stick her is beyond me when she has a fucking hep lock in her arm where they can draw blood from without having to stick her over and over again. I’ve watched her blood spurt from the thing so I know it is doable.
The other reason I’m pissed off is because the doc said she had to stay the night because they wanted to monitor her very closely and watch what she was doing when her oxygen levels dropped so they might see a pattern that could explain what the cause was. I had told them that her stats were great when she was out of the incubator and so the doc asked me to alert someone the next time I took her out so they could watch for themselves how she physically reacted.
I go out there and tell the nurses that I was removing her and that she was supposed to be observed during that time and then I held her for an hour. I go back out to see if they had been watching her monitors and they have had a shift change and Emi’s new nurse has no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. So, no one observed shit.
Then, I explain to her nurse that she is to be very closely monitored all night because they are trying to find Emi’s triggers and she flat out tells me that she will go in every three hours to feed her and change her.
I say, “so basically, she is staying here for no reason, then, as you cannot detect the triggers if you can’t see the baby and if you are never in her room, then you certainly can’t see her to be observant.”
At this point, she looks at another nurse and gives her a look as if to say, “Oh, lord… we have one of THESE mom’s”
I about slapped her.
When I tell Dean about all of this, he comes home and immediately calls the hospital to yell at Emi’s doctor but they are rude and nasty to Dean and so he is now contemplating storming in there and freaking the fuck out on someone. She went in for bili lamps and at this rate, she is going to leave with fucking cancer.
This is not how it was supposed to be. I am supposed to be holding her here at home and starting our finished version of a family. Instead, I never see my three other kids anymore because I am at the hospital until 9 at night with Emi and so Dean is stuck at home with all three kids… kids who have waited nine months for their baby sister and are now upset.
I understand if there is something wrong and they are actually going to try to fix it, but what I don’t understand is that every doctor so far who has seen her has ruled out everything they can and say she is okay. Then, a new doc will come on board and discover new ways to torture her.
And NOW they aren’t even doing their jobs! She is not there to be fed and have her diaper changed. She is there to be closely monitored by a woman who says she is not going to do such a thing.
So, instead of sitting at home with my feet up and my baby in my arms recovering from nine months of awful pregnancy and giving birth, I am instead walking around the hospital all day with my tits killing me, my back killing me and my legs swelling up like a character from Lilo and Stitch. I am exhausted and achy and swollen.
I hope to god that I don’t have to leave her there again tomorrow. I don’t think I can do it.