Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Emily June 14, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:30 am

This is a big, fuckin‘ placenta. I thought I’d throw this one in here to gross out Mags.

I’m going to try to satisfy the women who want detail but it won’t be poetic or anything as I am about dead on my feet, Good thing I’m sitting on my ass. Ha!

So…. the ultrasound was interesting.

I get there and by the time I have arrived, I am beginning to think that maybe I have a very tiny baby and that I, myself, have just gotten humongous. I am wrong in so many ways. Sigh.

So, it’s me and Dr. Vaccaro and she hooks me up to the machine and measures every single part of the baby. We take excellent pictures that I was going to come home and post in my blog, but then I didn’t come home and, now… they are a little useless.

We discover the baby to weigh about 7 pounds, 12 ounces, pretty damned big for a 36 weeker. Most babies at 36 weeks weigh between 5 and six pounds so her size was good. Then, we discover that I have a shitload of amniotic fluid which is a problem because it can cause all kinds of other problems. The umbilical cord and placenta are measured and both are found to be large and Dr. Vaccaro tells me that she’s gonna call another doctor and see what they think about all the extra fluid.

She returns about ten minutes later with a few more doctors and they are gabbing away about a cyst on my placenta which hadn’t been mentioned to me so I had no clue what was going on. They are also talking about how the placenta has begun to calcify as though it were full term and they decide that it will be very dangerous for my water to break at home because of the amount of amniotic fluid and the length of the umbilical cord. They are worried about a prolapsed cord which could be very dangerous and fatal to the baby.Basically, if my water were to break, the long cord could come out with it, baby could drop down on top of it and compress it and cut off her own oxygen and circulation.

They tell me that if I dilate any further, I will be admitted for the remainder of my pregnancy to make sure I m safe and in the hospital when my labor starts. On a whim, Dr. V. decides to check my cervix and finds that it is dilated to four and so she send me to labor and delivery to make sure I’m not having contractions. And, of course, I was having contractions. She admits me and tells me that in the morning they will do an amnio and see if the babies lungs are developed and try to also drain some of the fluid out.

The amnio is performed around 6:30 in the morning and it was awful. They stuck a long needle into my stomach and it hurt like a son of a bitch. I was rigid for the whole thing and then an hour later, Dr. V. comes in and tells me that they are going to induce me but that it will be a process that involves starting me on the dreaded pitocin and then sending me to the operating room to have my water drained slowly before they rupture the bag. They want to do this so that someone can sit there and hold the cord in as the water is coming out.

I sit on pitocin contracting pretty good until about 1 in the afternoon when the anesthesiologist comes in and gives me a fantastic epidural. He was a god. It was perfect. I had enough pain to not feel like a loser wussy but wasn’t feeling like I was going to die when that pitocin was at it’s highest.

I didn’t have a choice on the epidural anyways because they didn’t want me to feel the work they were doing in the OR and also there was a good chance that the cord would come out anyways and they’d have to put me out and deliver really quick. So, we get to the OR and there are a million people in there and it’s very hectic and I am strapped down and Dr. Weeks comes in and starts draining the water.

It was fucking hysterical. We were all cracking up. The water just would not stop coming and poor Dr. Weeks was drenched. So badly, that she had to change her clothes. They measure over a gallon of water coming out which is insane and by the time they were done, I looked like I’d already given birth.

Back to the room I go to labor for a bit and I’m at six centimeters for a few hours and they keep upping the dosage of pitocin and it’s starting to hurt.

At six o’clock, Dr. Weeks comes in and checks me and says that I’m at an eight. Then, everything starts to happen fast as hell and a million people come in and bring in all the gear.

At six oh five I am checked again and informed that I’m completely dilated. I say these words:

“Okay, let’s do this shit.”

I pop my legs up and the doc gets down there and lights start coming out of the ceiling and things are happening and I push once and the head becomes visible and so, to not tear myself wide open, I start doing little pushes to ease the head out slowly. Dean is standing there taking pictures of the whole thing and he keeps saying, “Jesus, you’re doing awesome, Kyra.” and I’m all like, “Yeah… I know. I’m awesome at pushing.” And then, at 6:13, she is out. Matthew comes and cuts the cord and they slap her on my chest for a minute but she isn’t crying.

Then, everything got really bad.

Emi wouldn’t breath and they took her over to the warmer and started trying to get her to breath and she still won’t cry. At this point, I’m not worried yet because I am distracted by things happening at my crotch. The placenta is not coming out and the doctor is trying really hard to massage my uterus so that it will contract and come out because there is a steady stream of blood that is concerning her. It’s not working and she gives the cord a tug when something ruptures and I start to bleed really badly. She can’t get it to stop coming and she informs Dean that there is still a large number of pieces stuck in there and that she is going to have to go in manually and get them out. She spends about a half hour with her entire hand in my uterus pulling out pieces and all it looks like is when you are carving a pumpkin and scraping the insides out.

While she is doing that, I am beginning to worry because Emi isn’t doing so good and they are having a really hard time with her breathing. She is also really bruised in the face from me pushing her out too quickly and there is a large group of people working on her and giving her oxygen. Finally, they take her out and stabilize her in the NICU.

Dr. Weeks finally gets all the shit out of my uterus and then starts me on an i.v. of medicine to try to stop the bleeding. By now, I have lost so much blood that it has filled up a large, metal mixing bowl. Then, they spend some time working on my stomach trying to get the last of the blood to stop flowing and finally, I’m good and able to sit up when the pediatrician working on Emi comes in to let me know that they are having some concerns about her red blood cell levels and that they have run some tests. I want to see my daughter but I can’t because my right leg is still numb and I can’t walk and so I am sitting fully dressed on the end of the bed punching myself in the leg to get the feeling back and the minute I can stand up, I’m out of there.

I finally get to see Emi around 10:30 at night and by this time, I am pissed off and crying and telling everyone in the world that they are assholes and I’m freaking out but glad because her tests have come back good and she is breathing and eating on her own. But, due to some dumb ass screw up with the nurse, she wasn’t cleared to leave the NICU for hours and I was freaking the fuck out about it. I finally say fuck it and create a huge scene and storm into the NICU and get my baby.

From this point on, it is always something.

Emi and I enjoy a lovely night together. She never cries… not once. She also never opens her eyes until just this evening. She looks so much like Owen when he was born and she even has his huge dimples. She was 7 pounds 11 ounces at birth and 19.75 inches long. Pretty fucking big for a 36 week baby. She has dark, curly hair that stands up in tufts on her head and other than her bruising, she looks good. A bit red and she is allll torso with really short legs…lol. When Olivia was born, she looked just like David Letterman. Emi looks just like a mix of Dave Matthews and Patrick Warburton. She is beautifully hideous and I cannot take my eyes off of her all night.

This morning, we are told she is jaundiced and that we can’t g home because she was born premature. Never mind the fact that she measures to term and eats and breathes fine.

Matthew gets everyone kicked out of the hospital, which set me right the fuck off. What happened is that he went out in the hallway with Owen even though we were yelling at them to stop and wait for us. We were going to take a walk while Emi had some tests done. Then, the fire alarm goes off and Matt comes in screaming that Owen did it. Owen is saying that Matt did it and pandemonium is breaking out as every single newborn baby in the place is now awake and screaming and people are yelling and freaking out.

Convinced that Owen did it, I give him the business pretty damned hard and he is crying and upset and terrified of how mad I am. He is adamantly saying that Matthew did it and he is being awful convincing and so I turn to Matt an demand the truth. He bursts into tears and confesses and I burst into tears and grab Owen and start hugging and apologizing to him. I felt so bad.

Then, some doctor comes and tells me that my family has to get the fuck out. I am so pissed at them at this point that I start to cry again and they all leave and then Emi gets taken again to have more blood drawn for the jaundice. Her levels come back elevated and so they tell me she has to stay over night and so do I. I finally get me a pediatrician in the joint who will release us on the grounds that I bring her back in the morning for more labs and a new hearing test as her ears are filled with fluid from all the amniotic craziness and she has failed her hearing test as a result.


Finally, I am at home with my family…. my WHOLE family.

And I am soooo tired.

And here are some pictures for all you crazy little monkeys. I took the liberty of removing all the ones of the baby actually coming out so no one would be grossed out. So, there is a rather weird gap there.



13 Responses to “Emily”

  1. Mags Says:

    I have to get to work but I wanted to say Fuck You.



    I love you. And I’m so proud of you for your strentgh thru this…I can’t wait to read this post at work and to see the slide show….

  2. Lois Grebowski Says:

    welcome little Emi!
    wook at doze widdle cheekies!
    (ahen, emi’s cheekies…not yours LOL!).


  3. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    good job kyra! we are proud of you honey! it hurts to sit doesn’t it? she is a darling baby.

    smiles, bee

  4. Mags Says:


    I can’t see the slide show here. WAAAAAAAAAA.

    What a dope I am.

  5. Brian in Mpls Says:

    Congratulations:) That sounds like quite the ordeal I am glad you and Emi areok:)

  6. EC Says:

    Awww, she’s beautiful, as are you! Sounds like it was a lot of work, but well worth it 🙂


  7. Bond Says:

    huge hugs and kisses for Emi and to you also

    EMI…WELCOME TO THE WORLD…now, I am a wacky internet friend of your mom’s … and I gotta tell you… pay attention to her ..she is one smart cookie

  8. Starrlight Says:

    Ahh…placenta accreta. Had that with kidlet and very nearly bled to death having her. It’s bad when your mom the labor and delivery nurse leaves the room and you just *know* it is cause she doesn’t want to watch you croak!

    She is adorable and hopefully you will get a break from here on out!

  9. Mags Says:


    Emi is beautiful. I love her chubby cheeks. Poor little thing with her bruises!!!

    She’ll be home soon…

  10. Rocketstar Says:

    Wow, that was wild. i hope Emi is doing better.

  11. julie Says:

    Hi! I can to visit via Vinny! What an experience! Sheesh! The drama~! I hope things settle down and you have some peace and quite to enjoy your little angel!

  12. Little Sis Says:

    CONGRATULATIONS Kyra! I’m sorry the ordeal was a lot to deal with, but I’m so happy that you and baby Emi are ok and healthy! =)

    She’s adorable. Enjoy the quiet..I can’t wait to see more pics!

  13. TopChamp Says:


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