One of the biggest things I hate about being a woman is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot overcome the jealousy factor. I know that a lot of women suffer from this and that men find us incredibly annoying for it, so much so that I hate to admit that I’m one of “those girls” for fear that all my cool points will be flushed down the fuckin‘ toilet.
This is also something annoying about being a woman.
Most women, I think, have a very strong desire to be like “one of the guys”, super laid back and as un-womanly as possible when it comes to how our personalities are portrayed. We don’t want to look like the high maintenance, high standard expecting, jealous,vindictive, manipulative, gossipy people that most of us truly are. Naturally, when bonded together, we allow these traits to free themselves from their hidden confines, but we rarely allow men to see the truth.
Well. I’m going to come right out with it:
I am insanely jealous right now over something probably really stupid and petty.
I’m going to explain this so bear with me. Most of you know that Dean is a singer and I wish I were one. I fell in love with Dean after hearing him sing the song Karma Police by Radiohead…. weird, I know… but it was beautiful and intense and his talent overwhelmed me.
Now, eight years later and it still overwhelms me and for some reason, I have become slightly possessive if his music. Not that I’m unwilling to share the sound, it’s the participation.
Dean went to a performing arts school for both high school and college and the woman population far outweighs the male population at those schools. As a result, his myspace page is, like, a hundred girls from back in the day who all think he’s just the greatest. It drives me crazy, but whatever. I just wish he had a fucking guy from time to time leave him a damn comment or message or something.
So, tomorrow night Dean and I are going to the ball. This will be the first time in a whole year that we have been alone and I’m looking forward to it. Dean will be performing at the ball and this happens a lot and so… no big deal.
Then, today he comes home and tells me that he has to perform with some girl and I became instantly jealous for a number of reasons.
I could handle Dean on a stage kissing a girl in a play far sooner than I candeal with duets. Acting is different. You’re ACTING. Music to me is intimate and since it is such a big part of our relationship, I don’t like to see him do it with other women. It’s, literally, like seeing another girl pregnant with his kid or something.
I realize that this all sounds a bit melodramatic, but I can’t help it.
My other problem is that I am nowhere near as confident as I may seem at times. In fact, I’m quite paranoid that Dean will come to his senses at some point and ditch my ass. I worry that he will connect with someone else based on the fact that they share something in common, in this case, music and talent. I feel unable to compete against these types of girls since they were such a big part of the happiest times of his life when he was a full time musician and not some trapped soldier, father of three with a big, fat, ugly, pregnant wife at home who he probably mistakes as the mattress underneath him during sex.
The worst thing for me is that I now have to go to this ball where I don’t know anyone and sit by myself all huge and pregnant and ridiculous while my husband spends our romantic evening away from the kids on a stage with some skinny soldier chick making love to her with music in front of everyone while everyone cheers them on.
I’m going to tell you all a secret.
I think maybe Dean is embarrassed of me. The Army always does a bunch of functions, barbeque’s, unit get togethers…. little parties… and Dean never takes me to them. In fact, he doesn’t even tell me about them. Everyone else’s spouses and kids go and we sit at home. The reason he asked me to go to this ball with him on such short notice is because he was told to by his commander. He wouldn’t even have mentioned it to me because he is wicked ashamed of me. I don’t think he wants to be seen in public with me.
I wish I could be someone he looked at adoringly and with pride. I wish that I would catch him stealing soft smiled glances at me from time to time. I wish that he carried a picture of me around in his wallet and pulled it out to show the guys so that they could say, “you are one lucky man, Muchmore.” Instead, I feel like an ugly, fat ogre and I assume that he feels that way, too.
I am not the girl he married.
I wish I could blame it on kids, but I’m honestly just getting uglier with age and neglect. He didn’t agree to this when he married me and I have guilt for it every minute.
So, I’m jealous and paranoid of every woman that comes around. I worry that he will notice how pretty and tiny and cute they are, how silly and witty and smart and talented. How they let things slide off their backs and don’t sweat the small stuff. How calm and cool and collected they are.
I worry that he will discover how nice it is to be around someone so….unlike me.
So, tomorrow, my night to be Dean’s Cinderella, the night I was going to be paraded around on his arm, the night that was going to be ours, is now going to be me sitting alone watching him sing with some other girl.
And tonight, I will be green with envy watching him practice her song over and over again to make sure it’s perfect and without her even being here, she will have stolen my precious time with him. I will be jealous watching the effort he will put into this song, all the while wishing that it were me that garnered this effort from him.
And he says, “Honey… should we not go?” and I feel dumb and know that I’m just being a stupid, jealous girl and I say, “No, we’ll go. It’ll be fun. Besides, this isn’t your fault at all…. it’s me and the fact that I suck.”
Just one more point against me.
So, I sit and think… wouldn’t it be nice, wouldn’t he just love being with someone who wasn’t so petty and jealous?
And then I hate myself even more.
Being a woman sucks. Unless it’s just me.