Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Babbling May 30, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:58 pm

This will be some very random thoughts.

-Last night, I DREAMED that I went from house to house rearranging everyone’s dresser drawers and organizing their closets. That is just scary. Dean needs to stop by the pharmacy today.

-Yesterday saw the arrival of another “dumb ass doctor question” with this beauty:

Doctor: “Kyra, is your baby breech?”


Well, my spidey sense is telling me no…. but how ’bout I turn on my x-ray vision and find out?

What the hell kind of a question is that?? Isn’t SHE supposed to be telling me that sort of thing? Is that not what the wonder of the ultrasound machine is for? Jeesh, lady.

-Yesterday also marked a monumental event in our lives…. the long awaited opening of the pool.

I tried to use the pool as a way to get my children to behave by threatening every thirty seconds to take it away from them.

“If you do not behave, you will NOT be going to that pool, mister!”

It sort of wasn’t working and I began to fret that I might actually have to take this privilege away from them, thus screwing myself in the process. I’m pregnant and sweating my ass off. The idea of floating around submerged in water and taking some of this pressure off of…. every part of my body… was something I was looking forward to a great deal.

In the end, Matthew kept Owen in check and we got to go swimming. We had a lot of fun, however, the water was fucking freezing. I was expecting this and so as I my toe touched the surface of the pool and I felt my penis jump up into my abdomen, I was not surprised. Scared… yes. Surprised… no.

But a good mother gets her fat ass in that freezing cold water regardless and once my nipples could sufficiently cut through glass, I began to warm up a bit.

I knew what was going to happen, though. I knew that at some point, my kids were going to hop out of that pool and climb into the jacuzzi and once I, myself, climbed into that jacuzzi there would be no way in hell that I was gonna get back in the freezing ass pool.

And, of course… they got in the fucking jacuzzi.

And of course, they wanted back in the pool and I had to go through the horrors of being in warm water one minute and icy water the next. Fuck, it was cold.

I like to screw with my kids in the pool to make them laugh. I will swim underwater and creep up on them and pinch them on the ass when they’re not expecting it. They scream and I laugh and then they laugh, too.

The pool wore us all out something crazy. I didn’t even make it through my cartoons last night before I passed the fuck out.

-I don’t have one single person here who can watch my kids when I go into labor. This complicates things. As Matthew is my birth coach, I don’t give a hoot about him being there, but the Little’s… hell no. I will end up doing two things:

1. Murdering them
2. Getting so stoned out of my mind on pain meds that I gush and woo over them.

Then, a contraction will hit and I’ll be lobbing things at them. It will be a terrible mind fucking and I wish to avoid it.

But how??

I literally do not know anyone here other than Matthew’s friend Scott’s irresponsible mother and there is no way in hell she will be taking my kids. Especially now that Scott has taught Matthew that homosexuals are evil and deserve to burn in hell.

They are no longer allowed to hang out and I am in the process of doing damage control in the hopes of reversing the influence that that bigoted little shit has bestowed upon my child.

So… what do I do, exactly??

Do I go into labor and delivery and inform them, “Listen up, people! My kids are here so get the epidural in place and pump me full of the legal limit of pitocin and let’s get this baby out, stat!”

Matthew’s labor- Seven hours on the dot. Born at 2:14 pm.
Owen’s labor- Seven hours on the dot. Born at 2:08 pm.
Olivia’s labor- 17 hours. Born at 9:58 pm.

This could go short… or this could go long.

“Go long, go long! Blue 42! Blue 42! Hike!”

Sigh. Where do I stick my kids as I go through the ridiculous endeavor of childbirth??? Somebody tell me!!!

– There is a giant mosquito on my ceiling. It is so big that I wonder if it’s not actually a butt ugly dragonfly. I’ll know when it bites me, I suppose.

_I’m very tired right now.


12 Responses to “Babbling”

  1. Dixiechick Says:

    Do you need me to come and get your meds for you? Tell Dean that if he doesn’t get your meds soon that I’m gonna open a good ole’ fashion can of southern whoop ass on him… LOL

  2. Thomas Says:

    Wishing you all the best as the blessed day gets closer.

  3. Mags Says:

    Do they only give you like 10 each time? These people need to give you like 3 months worth!!!

    Of course then we won’t get rambles. πŸ˜‰

  4. Mags Says:

    And also, sometimes I don’t know which Tommy is the “real” Tommy.

    You know what I mean, right? LOL.

  5. the108 Says:

    Dixie: LOL. It’s actually my fault. Ooops.

    Thomas: What? Who the hell is this? Hallmark called… they want their cheesy slogans back πŸ™‚

    Mags: Nah… what happened was that my prescription was for one dosage that I was on and then my doc upped my dosage without altering it in the computer and so I’m going through them really fast. I keep asking her to adjust it before I get in trouble for refilling too quickly at the pharmacy.

    Also…I know EXACTLY what you mean! What the hell is he being so nice for? It’s very sweet, but for heaven’s sakes… I am Kyra.

  6. Starrlight Says:

    WHY are those pools always so damn cold? Like your blog, I found ya via The Couch =)

  7. Rocketstar Says:

    Everyone loves nipples that cut glass.

    Where to put the kids, great question. I wish I could help.

    Good luck, I am praying to god almighty to give you a short labor, but we both now that won’t do much. ;o)

  8. Mags Says:

    Wait a MINUTE!

    Was there a weird fog that crept into MN while we all slept? First Thomas wishing you well on the “blessed day” and now Rocket praying to GOD?

    Huh? What?

    Did I miss something?

    Now all we need is my net-husband Brian to come by and say he doesn’t like sex or alcohol.

  9. Susie PSU Says:

    I only had a plan for my kid during birth if I had the second on a weekend. Luckily, she complied, so my friend could watch him. Otherwise, I’d have had a 12 month old in the delivery room with me. Geesh!
    Good luck with that one…

  10. EC Says:

    The pool sounded great! I wish we had one 😦

    Don’t you fret about labor, someone will come through and watch them for you!!!

  11. TopChamp Says:

    That swimming trip sounds fun!

  12. the108 Says:

    Pool party at Kyra’s house!!

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