Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Shower Forecast…. Clear Skies May 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:27 pm

This is going to be another annoying baby post. Just to warn you. This is happening right now because I’m getting giddy with excitement and feel as though if I don’t share it with the world, I’m going to explode.

The baby could be coming any minute now and this means that it is time to start preparing for her arrival. Last night, I was up until 1:30 in the morning packing a diaper bag to take to the hospital and folding baby clothes. Later this weekend, Dean will be setting up the crib and this afternoon, the infant car seat will make it’s way into the party bus.

All of this has made me realize something that sucks. Moving away and having no friends blows big ones. I’m missing out on a baby shower.

I didn’t get a shower with Matthew because we just didn’t live that kind of lifestyle back then. I was sort of the freak who got knocked up and everyone else remained quite stoned. A baby shower at that time was something for the rich, white, yuppie, upper class snobs who lived in the suburbs and drove mini vans.

Well, now I drive a mini van. And it’s rockin‘.

With Owen, I didn’t get a baby shower because we were living in Germany and didn’t really have many friends. The good thing was that we made a shitload of money living in Germany and so we bought a humongous amount of shit that, because I am so ridiculously fucking nice, was given to some expecting friends of ours when we moved.

This sort of screwed us on baby number three, but baby number three was the one who actually got a baby shower. And, I’m talking the MOTHER OF ALL BABY SHOWERS.

My shower was a “surprise” shower and I was told I was showing up at a friend’s for a housewarming. I even brought her a gift, a huge shiny, metallic picture of Jesus with the flaming heart, which I bought because it was hysterical. I got it at the dollar store. The Jesus picture was a thing of greatness but it almost got beat out by a large ceramic lawn chicken. In the end, Jesus prevailed over the chicken.

So, I arrive at the “surprise” baby shower and act wicked surprised even though a number of people have already spilled the beans about it. The thing I was not expecting was that there were a shitload of people there. There were sooo many people at this thing, a lot of people who I didn’t even know. It was crazy and it took a truck to get all my shit back to my house. I made out like a bandit and it was rather awesome.

The same thing happened for Olivia’s first birthday party. I invited about seventy people and about a hundred showed up. The child had fucking crashers at her birthday party. Insanity, I tell you.

After Olivia, I kept a lot of baby stuff such as the crib, infant car seat, stroller, baby swing, highchair…. stuff like that. I didn’t keep any clothes, though, because I had a lot of friends with baby girls and I passed them on down. Now, I have a message for them:

Give me my shit back!!! I’m poor now and need baby clothes!!!! Go directly to the post office and send me every single goddamned onesie back to me!!!

After doing the inventory last night, we obviously had gotten more cocky than we thought and assumed we’d bought more stuff than we actually had. In reality, we blew it. We got, like, one pack of baby socks, three bottles, a couple of pacifiers, three receiving blankets, two pairs of jammies, six onesies, two hats, and three pairs of pants.

Man, we suck.

The baby will more than likely vomit and poop through every single article of clothing she has in one day. Damn it. I need more shit.

This would be the opportune time for me to inform a friend to throw me a baby shower as clothes and blankets are the kinds of things you get at baby showers. The sucky thing is that I have no friends here to have a baby shower…lol. And, I am sad. I don’t care to celebrate… I just want free stuff. It all reminds me of the episode of Roseanne where she is pregnant and really wants this $400 crib but she can’t afford it. She has her daughters throw her a shower so she can get enough junk to return to the store for the cash she needs to buy the crib. Then, everyone gives her shit that has no value, like planting a tree in honor of her unborn child or painting it a picture. It was priceless.

I feel her pain.

It seems I have a lot to do before this baby comes out. I am very unprepared, I have just realized…lol.



3 Responses to “Shower Forecast…. Clear Skies”

  1. Bond Says:

    Man, I can’t help with any of that stuff…been a hundred years since I had onesies, plus Matt is a boy, so that means that wouldn’t work…
    I have been on this gonzo writing all day now.. helppppppppppp

  2. Dotty Says:

    hey left you a msg on myspace, tru the mail section…..

  3. the108 Says:

    Bond: Well. Then, we can’t be friends anymore. Sniff.

    Just kidding. It’s not help I need… it’s shopping!

    Dotty: YOU’D shop with me…lol. Wouldn’t we make a hell of a pair? Me, huge and pregnant and holding my crotch so the baby doesn’t fall out and you all pregnant and hobbling around on crutches.

    God, men would want us.

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