Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Your (Dumb) Ass Is Showing May 24, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:52 pm

I would never claim to embarrass easily, but I have had my moments. Being that I’m extremely goofy and outgoing and that people tend to think I’m insane, it often surprises people that I get shy doing strange things, like speaking in public or singing for an audience. As a child, I would often be called on to read out loud in class and I would have a panic attack right then and there and end up stumbling through my words, gasping for oxygen and turning shades of purple.

How is this possible?? Being in a group or party or public place and I’m not the least bit shy. I’m that guy who sparks up conversations with complete strangers in the grocery store, yet reading from a fucking textbook causes me to fall out of my chair hyperventilating. I was extremely embarrassed for no reason whatsoever, but then I could do things that would be embarrassing to most and be fine with it. As usual, I make no sense.

My first truly embarrassing moment came in the fifth grade. My mom had taken me shopping for new school clothes and she had bought me this outfit that was turquoise and had a tiny, pink, paisley print in it. It was a skirt and a vest and I just thought I was the cutest thing ever in it.

The first time I wore it to school, I was so excited. However, it would be the last time I ever wore it to school again because I knew that seeing me in it would remind all of the other kids of what a douche I am and it would suck.

It wasn’t the outfit’s fault… it was mine.

I was in Miss Jordan’s math class sitting there listening to her pop her gum as she explained problems on the board. I discovered that I had to pee and asked for a pass and returned from the bathroom quietly as not to disturb the class. I sat down in my seat and continued listening to the lesson and when Miss Jordan called on me to come up to the board to work a problem, I was pleased because I wanted to be the center of attention in my new outfit.

I sauntered up to the board wiggling my butt and shooting looks that said, “bitch, please. You know I’m hot.” There was dead silence for a few seconds as I turned to do the problem on the board and then the soft sounds of snickering.

“What the fuck are they giggling at?” I wondered.

I assumed right then and there that someone else had done something silly and created the laughter rippling through the classroom and I finished my problem and headed back to my seat, butt still wiggling away, nose pointed right up in the air. I sat down.

Within the next thirty seconds, Miss Jordan had called another student up to the board and then quietly placed a note on my desk that said,” Love, you have tucked your underwear into your skirt.”

What? Come again?

I squirmed around to examine my ass in it’s seat and, lo and behold, she was right. I had totally tucked my skirt into my underwear. My entire pink pantie clad ass was showing itself to the world. No wonder everyone had been giggling as I strutted my shit around the classroom.

For the record, I just want to mention that Ru Paul was very big at the time and I learned everything I knew about being sexy from her/him. Yeah…. I was HOT.

The underwear incident was my first real dose of humiliation and to be honest, it hasn’t been so bad since. I did have that horrid moment last year when I wrote Dean that sexy text message and then, somehow, sent it to everyone in my address book, but I’ve been in the clear since then.

However, I found myself embarrassed again while Amanda was visiting last week.

What happened was this: Our good friend back in Florida, Somer, had sent Amanda along with a baby sling for me to use with Miss Emi when she is born. Somer, a midwife, had informed me beforehand that she was sending it and so I knew it was coming. When Amanda got here, she pulled out the sling and handed it to me along with a Grateful Dead onesie for the baby and a note from Somer. I assumed as everything was handed to me together, that Somer had thrown the onesie into the mix spontaneously and I gushed like an idiot over it.

“Oh, my gawd, Isn’t Somer just the greatest?? She is so awesome and that was sooo sweet of her and isn’t she just FANTASTIC??”

Amanda says nothing.

The next day, I write Somer an email to thank her for the sling and the Grateful Dead outfit for the baby and she writes back something along these lines:

“Um… I didn’t know I sent you a Grateful Dead onesie. It must have slipped in there by mistake…lol. If there is anyone I would want to have it, it’s you so the cosmic forces must have done it for me :-)”

Well. That’s funny. The thing looks brand, spankin’ new. As I sit and giggle at her email, I am relaying this story to Dean and Amanda and finally Amanda speaks up:

“The onesie was from me,” she says.

I give her my best “are you fucking kidding me?” look and I am completely embarrassed. I have totally sat and gushed over Somer’s thoughtfulness and poor Amanda had to sit there awkwardly and say nothing. I felt like a complete douche bag. The appropriate thing to do right then would have been to divert the gushing from Somer to Amanda, but instead, I said something like, “What the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me, you dork!” Here, I had thanked Somer for a gift that Amanda had gotten and I was feeling extremely stupid and so was Amanda. After discussing my idiocy for a few minutes…. then, I gushed. I worry, though, that I didn’t go big enough because in that situation, you have to lay it on really, really thick to make up for being an asshole.

What sucks is that I’m sure Somer was also embarrassed having to go along with it all, all the while having no real clue what I was talking about. So, really, I embarrassed the shit out of three people in all of this, four if you count Dean who was probably experiencing a little embarrassment for having married me.



2 Responses to “Your (Dumb) Ass Is Showing”

  1. EC Says:

    OMG – I would have died if I did that with my skirt – wow, that must have been so embarassing for you!!

    Don’t freak about the wrong person giving the gift thing – they really should have told you!! See, I would have told you, lol…

  2. Mags Says:

    I did the very same thing with flowers-the one and only time Greg bought me flowers, I thanked someone else b/c she had left me something too on my deck. And Greg came to the house and the flowers were in the vase and I didn’t say a WORD to him about them b/c I thought they were from my friend.

    Later he finally said, “so…do you like the flowers?”

    I was so embarassed. I loved them, and I loved that HE gave them to me, but somehow, it just felt dumb being all happy about it when I “ignored” him and didn’t thank him properly.

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