Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

I Might Be Ryan Roberts. May 22, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:35 pm

I was once arrested for being a guy. I truly always believed that my breasts would make such an assumption an impossibility, but not to the police, it seems, as they were firmly convinced that I was Ryan Roberts.

Ryan was actually a very good friend of mine much to the dismay of his long time girlfriend, Natalie, who was always accusing us of fooling around behind her back (which we were). He was the first friend I made when I got to Florida and he is the reason that my name was forever changed from Kimberly to Kyra. Ryan introduced me to the trees that became my home and even helped build it up and I just adored him.

One day, Ryan and I decided that our hair should be blue and so we dyed each other’s heads a brilliant shade of topaz for no real reason. It was the blue hair that got me arrested for being a guy. Ryan was on the run for something, wanted by the police I think for spitting on his mom, and so he was currently staying in the tree with me. Our days were usually filled with wandering the streets with friends and causing mischief and mayhem and this day was no exception of that. Ryan and myself and about five other friends were milling about behind the burger king when we saw cop cars circling. Naturally, we instructed Ryan to haul ass.

I actually did not haul ass as I had just turned 18 three days earlier and was no longer in any real trouble. So, I felt it safe to stick around and the cops approached us and began to to ask everyone about Ryan Roberts and we all said we had no fucking clue where he was. The cops kept looking at me funny and so I was looking at them funny right back. One of the cops pulled another aside and they talked quietly together and then called me over.

“Are you Ryan Roberts?” They asked.

I looked at them as though they were crazy before glancing down to make sure that my boobs hadn’t fallen off somewhere before answering them.

“Um…. I’m a girl.”

“But you have blue hair,” they said.

“And yet, I have no penis,” I replied. “How peculiar.”

“The suspect we are looking for is named Ryan Roberts and he has been reported as to having blue hair.” They informed me.

“That’s incredible,” I said. “But, I am not Ryan Roberts. “

“We think you are.”

At this point it suddenly dawns on me just how ridiculous it was that I was standing there in the presence of two grown men arguing with them over my gender. I tried again.

“I’m a girl.”

“Young man, we’re going to need you to come with us,” they informed me. At this point, I am lead to the police car and all of my friends are standing there wondering what the hell is going on. The police tell them to go home and to not lie to the authorities anymore and one of my friends tells him that no one had lied. The cop sort of smirks and says, “Yes, you did. You lied and told me that you have no idea where Ryan Roberts was and now we have him sitting there in the cop car.”

“Um… that’s a girl.” Someone said.

I can see all of this taking place a few feet away and I am shooting incredulous looks at my friends from the back of the car and they are giving me a “what the fuck?” look right back. Someone leaves and goes skipping off. I find out later that he had gone to tell Ryan that I had just been arrested for being him at which point he gets very upset and goes to the police station to turn himself in.

I am already at the police station and have been sat in a chair and not spoken to until someone comes and tells me that I am free to go.

“Why?” I ask.

“Because you are not Ryan Roberts,” they say.

“Really?” I say. “Are you sure?”

At this point, they do not appreciate my sarcasm and so they ask for my actual name, something they should have asked at the fucking Burger King. I give them my name and they run a check on me, returning a few minutes later to inform me that I really should call home because there is a missing persons out on me. This is what happens when you turn 18 on a runaway charge… it instantly switches to a missing persons. I told the cops that I would call home and then I left.

By the time I was reunited with Ryan, I had dyed my hair blond. And… I was dressing much sluttier.


4 Responses to “I Might Be Ryan Roberts.”

  1. amanda Says:

    mmmmmm….Burger King…..

  2. Little Sis Says:

    I did actually know a girl named Ryan in high school…Good luck hiding them prego tits though now-a-days! LOL!

  3. Rocketstar Says:

    Quite the little hellion you were.

  4. Mags Says:

    Well, at least something good came out of it…

    (The dressing sluttier part)


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