Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Nurse Angie May 18, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:45 am

It doesn’t matter where I go. Adventure follows.

I bring out the crazy side of people and this includes doctor’s and nurses. I tend to have a full room of nurses and docs who hang out, joke around and eat food with me.

Today, Nurse Angie professed her love for me. She was attaching my fetal monitors and totally copped a feel on my boobs. She said she was “hugging me” but later admitted to Doctor Murphy that she was trying to stick her face in my cleavage. Doctor Murphy is awesome and Nurse Angie has a mean crush on him. While he was doing my cervical exam she was standing behind him mouthing, “See? What did I tell you?? He’s hot!” and was fanning herself furiously. That was funny.

This particular episode…. not too much:

Doc Murphy comes in and Angie looks at him with a dead serious expression and says, “Dr. Murphy, this patient has been having some bowel issues and has requested a rectal exam.”

Naturally, I shot her a dirty look as she stands there snickering at me and I loudly inform the doc that I see no cause whatsoever for a rectal exam.

Then, as he is doing my exam and after she has stood swooning behind him, she says, “YOU HAVE TO WHAT?? DID YOU SAY THAT YOU’RE GOING TO FART???”

“Goddamn you, Angie!” I shriek at her. “I am NOT going to fart! And if I even HAD to, I’d wait until you were down there before I let one fly.”

Doctor Murphy tells her that she had better behave or he is going to make her give me a rectal exam and then laugh as I intentionally take a large, nasty shit on her. He says, “I will be coming back tomorrow to watch Angie get you up the ass.” He looks rather gleeful at this despite my ongoing protests to having anything else stuck in my butt. I’m not sure why my ass has become the playground for doctor’s and nurses to fuck with each other, but I want no such involvement.

Dr. Murphy is the second doctor I had today and the first doctor then comes in, Dr. B, and asks me, “Was he better than me?”

“His fingers are much larger, ” I reply. “It sort of hurt a little.

“He examines his hands for a second and contemplates the size of his own fingers and then says, “Mine are sort of skinny…. but I know how to use them.”

Why, yes you do, Dr. B.

Angie brings me sweet tea and asks me if there was something special she should wear tomorrow for my visit. She says she wants to look nice for me. I tell her, “something sheer.”

At this point, we hear Dr. B. stop dead in his tracks and mutter, “Okay…. I’ll be in the bathroom for the next… ten minutes or so.”

We also hear the frequent snickers of the other 20 or so patients in the place separated by curtains. They must have thought we were nuts as we discussed strange phenomenons such as “Quatro Tittie” which is what happens when you’re walking along and your boobs have sort of popped out of the front of your bra a bit and it looks like you have four boobs.

We also discussed at great length the ” Concave Tittie” phenomenon which happens when a woman lies down on her side and her boob flattens out leaving her padded bra in it’s place. If you touch it, it leaves a dent in the bra and makes it look as though you have an inverted boob.

So, a recap of things I have learned today:

1. People really want to be all up in my asshole.
2. Lots of women have experienced Quatro Tittie and Concave Tittie.
3. Even Dr’s have to leave to masturbate from time to time.
4. Flirting with your nurses will get you sweet tea and ham sandwiches.
5. My vagina is a popular hangout.
6. In the event that you can’t finish your sandwich, a sexy doctor will come and eat the rest of it for you.
7. I’d rather he be eating something else.
8. But considering the state of things, I can understand why he didn’t offer to.

So, premature labor does have it’s plus sides.


14 Responses to “Nurse Angie”

  1. the hump roach Says:

    lmfao,I was rolling over on this shit.I know, how you are so I have a perfect picture.Gotta love you kyra….
    love you

  2. the108 Says:

    Ah, yes… the Hump Roach and the Monk have had many an adventure together, huh?

    Other than the fact that I am carrying your child and partially naming her after you, I have a feeling that the real reason you are attending my birth is because you know it’s gonna be a good time…lol.

    I am glad you’re here, though as the rest of these goons haven’t had to experience the Monk themselves (excpet for Dotty) and probably think that I am making up most of the shit I say on here…lol. Rocket, for sure thinks I’m kidding…. but now, I can verify my insane coolness!!

    I loves you, too šŸ™‚

  3. Mags Says:

    Considering that your vagina is a popular place, I’m surprised hottie Dr B only ate the sandwich!

    I need me a good doctor.


  4. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    be still!!! stop squirming around kyra!

    smiles, bee

  5. Rocketstar Says:

    You are too funny!

  6. Brian in Mpls Says:


    So are you in labor?

  7. jolie-jordan Says:

    At least you are not like the “Panda” that carried her baby for 324 days when the average gestation period for Panda is 215 days.

    I know some think you are funny but I recognize sickness when I hear it. Go take a nap you crazy girl…you are driving that baby crazy with your goofy thoughts…she is lost in the mayhem of “fight or flee” and she’d like you to keep those sex-crazed fantasies to yourself.

    Oh well…I guess you need something to do. (smile) That doctor and nurse would die if they knew what you were thinking. They’d have you locked in a looney bin.

    No more cartoons for you.

  8. the hump roach Says:

    lol Yep many adventures.Yes I think the birth will be interesting…lol.Love you to

  9. Dixiechick Says:

    buwahahahahahahahahahahah…. *breaths* buwhahahahahahahah … thanks for the laugh this morning…

    Hope you and baby Emi are doing ok… till have every imaginable body part crossed for ya.

  10. Thomas Says:

    Damn, “Gray’s Anatomy” has nothing on the shit you go through.

  11. Little Sis Says:

    What is this? I leave for a couple of days and pandamoneum breaks loose? WTF?! Hope everything is ok and going better! I’m so sorry I haven’t read in a couple of days! Keep us updated!

    By the way, ask Dean if you can bring hottie doctor home!?!?! LMAO! =)

  12. Bond Says:

    OK, I just read this post.. I better go back and real all the others I missed…

    see you in about an hour knowing your proliferation to post…

  13. Bond Says:

    OK, I am back.. guess your stuff was so fun to read, i just zoomed through it

    Let’s see… Deans string of obscenities is a guy thing.. if you laugh we then curse in your direction, but do it without you knowing.. oopps did I say that outloud?
    SO, a seamstress huh…make me sumthin…
    dictionary salesman? they still have those? sheesh computers have those and you don’t pay a fortune…
    The chili sounds yummy as do the ribs… umm Carrabbas.. yukky poo.. sorry
    Hope you are feeling better.. is there a tattoo near your vagina saying open for business?

  14. Fallen Star Says:

    When I was in my late teens I had knee surgery. Several days after the surgery I told my nurse, who was about 5 or 6 years older than me that I hadn’t peed in the last 24 hours. She put her hand under the sheets and began to massage my lower belly. To this day, I regret stopping her!

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