It doesn’t matter where I go. Adventure follows.
I bring out the crazy side of people and this includes doctor’s and nurses. I tend to have a full room of nurses and docs who hang out, joke around and eat food with me.
Today, Nurse Angie professed her love for me. She was attaching my fetal monitors and totally copped a feel on my boobs. She said she was “hugging me” but later admitted to Doctor Murphy that she was trying to stick her face in my cleavage. Doctor Murphy is awesome and Nurse Angie has a mean crush on him. While he was doing my cervical exam she was standing behind him mouthing, “See? What did I tell you?? He’s hot!” and was fanning herself furiously. That was funny.
This particular episode…. not too much:
Doc Murphy comes in and Angie looks at him with a dead serious expression and says, “Dr. Murphy, this patient has been having some bowel issues and has requested a rectal exam.”
Naturally, I shot her a dirty look as she stands there snickering at me and I loudly inform the doc that I see no cause whatsoever for a rectal exam.
Then, as he is doing my exam and after she has stood swooning behind him, she says, “YOU HAVE TO WHAT?? DID YOU SAY THAT YOU’RE GOING TO FART???”
“Goddamn you, Angie!” I shriek at her. “I am NOT going to fart! And if I even HAD to, I’d wait until you were down there before I let one fly.”
Doctor Murphy tells her that she had better behave or he is going to make her give me a rectal exam and then laugh as I intentionally take a large, nasty shit on her. He says, “I will be coming back tomorrow to watch Angie get you up the ass.” He looks rather gleeful at this despite my ongoing protests to having anything else stuck in my butt. I’m not sure why my ass has become the playground for doctor’s and nurses to fuck with each other, but I want no such involvement.
Dr. Murphy is the second doctor I had today and the first doctor then comes in, Dr. B, and asks me, “Was he better than me?”
“His fingers are much larger, ” I reply. “It sort of hurt a little.
“He examines his hands for a second and contemplates the size of his own fingers and then says, “Mine are sort of skinny…. but I know how to use them.”
Why, yes you do, Dr. B.
Angie brings me sweet tea and asks me if there was something special she should wear tomorrow for my visit. She says she wants to look nice for me. I tell her, “something sheer.”
At this point, we hear Dr. B. stop dead in his tracks and mutter, “Okay…. I’ll be in the bathroom for the next… ten minutes or so.”
We also hear the frequent snickers of the other 20 or so patients in the place separated by curtains. They must have thought we were nuts as we discussed strange phenomenons such as “Quatro Tittie” which is what happens when you’re walking along and your boobs have sort of popped out of the front of your bra a bit and it looks like you have four boobs.
We also discussed at great length the ” Concave Tittie” phenomenon which happens when a woman lies down on her side and her boob flattens out leaving her padded bra in it’s place. If you touch it, it leaves a dent in the bra and makes it look as though you have an inverted boob.
So, a recap of things I have learned today:
1. People really want to be all up in my asshole.
2. Lots of women have experienced Quatro Tittie and Concave Tittie.
3. Even Dr’s have to leave to masturbate from time to time.
4. Flirting with your nurses will get you sweet tea and ham sandwiches.
5. My vagina is a popular hangout.
6. In the event that you can’t finish your sandwich, a sexy doctor will come and eat the rest of it for you.
7. I’d rather he be eating something else.
8. But considering the state of things, I can understand why he didn’t offer to.
So, premature labor does have it’s plus sides.