Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

We Need Milk May 12, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 7:54 pm

Today, Dean is trying to get rid of me. And he has foiled my plans to sneak off and watch Spiderman 3 all by myself in the middle of the night, damn him. The plan was to inform him that I was going to go get some milk and then take some much needed “me time” but this has now turned into a very different plan.

I made the mistake of saying, “Hey, Dean…. what’s something fun we could do with the kids today?”. It’s a lovely day and I was imagining a picnic at the park with canvas and paints where I would have my children sit on blankets and paint me crazy artwork to hang on the walls. Dean says he will think about it and goes to take a shower. He emerges from the bathroom and says, “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you take the boys to see Spiderman 3?”

Damn it.

I ask Dean why exactly I am taking the boys when I know damn well that he wants to see this movie as well. I ask him what he is going to do all day while we’re out and he tells me that he is going to clean and play with Olivia.

Okay. He’s up to no good.Dean is not going to clean the house while I am out with the boys. He is going to play video games.

Dean’s suggestion about the movie confirmed two sneaking suspicions that I have had. The first sneaking suspicion is that he has already snuck out and seen it himself and this is why he has suggested that I take the boys instead of him. He has been doing that thing lately, where he will claim to be going to the store a block up the road (for some milk) and then will be gone for three hours. And there is always a ridiculous excuse such as heavy traffic at ten o’clock at night.

Well, I wanted to go get the milk this time and be gone for three hours.

Instead, I get to take my boys with me to see the movie which I suppose will be lovely but it ruins my plans for killing three hours by myself. Shit.

I want to be by myself for a bit. That would be cool.

Now, I have to wait until the 24th to be alone in a movie theater as I will go get some milk once Pirates of the Caribbean 3 comes out. So, I will be waiting a couple of weeks more. That sucks and I want to whine about it.

To further drive me insane, my boys, knowing damn well that we are going to a movie decided to play tea party and have just drank about two gallons of water apiece from a Little Mermaid teapot. Even more frustrating than that is that they are currently sitting here eating salt. Which means another couple of gallons of water.Naturally, I am yelling at them for eating salt, but the damage is done and the teapot is being refilled. Those bastards.

The good news is that next weekend the pool will be up and running and I will be in it. Yes. With the kids, but oh, well.

I cannot pee, take a shit, bathe or sleep without a child right there wedged in my asscrack. There is always an audience or, in the case of showering, a small (blonde)child who will, despite my loud protests, strip naked and climb right on in. Which, of course, causes the dimpled one to try to climb in, too, but I can usually keep him on the sidelines. Then, there is the large, bizarre one, who will sit very quietly outside the bathroom door to listen to me sing. I will hear him rustling around out there and ask what the hell is he is doing and he always tells me he is listening to me sing because it’s pretty.

And then I get stage fright and stop singing and he scurries away.

Actually using the toilet is a similar situation although the large one doesn’t really interfere. The other two stroll in and ask questions such as

“What are you doing, mom?”

“I’m going to the bathroom” I say all the while thinking… what the fuck else am I doing sitting on the toilet?

“Are you pooping?” they ask.


“Are you peeing?”



And then they just sort of mingle in the bathroom until I am finished and the whole thing is very strange.

Sleeping is similar. I go to bed alone and then I wake up with a (blonde) child next to me in the morning. Sometimes, she is still asleep and sometimes I wake up to her sprawled across my chest with a big grin on her face whispering weird shit at me:

“Mommy…. I’m going to poop on you!”

“Mommy…. I want to watch Spongebob!”

“Mommy…. I farted.”

At least I wake up laughing a lot and to be honest, I don’t mind waking up with her. I also don’t really mind going to sleep with her which also happens a lot because she is cute and irresistable and will get out of bed and sneak into my room while I’m watching cartoons, climb into my bed and curl up with me.

Sometimes, I go and get me one of them to snuggle on while I watch cartoons. But don’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t want folks to get the impression that I like them or anything.

Dean is out “getting milk” as we speak, but I think maybe we’ll be needing more real soon. Like, tonight.

Off to the movies!


5 Responses to “We Need Milk”

  1. Rocketstar Says:

    “, where he will claim to be going to the store a block up the road (for some milk) and then will be gone for three hours.”
    — Mmmhh, this doesn’t sound good, I will read on.

    “I want to be by myself for a bit. That would be cool.”
    — Everyone needs that.

    I can never tell if you are kidding or not.

  2. the108 Says:

    Rocket: The general rule of thumb when trying to figure out if I’m kidding is this:

    Anytime I refer to my kids as assholes or claim to dislike them, I’m kidding. Unless the tone of the post is me venting about something that is really bothering me.

    Most anything else, I’m not kidding about.

    Then again, I’m not really kidding when I call the kids assholes, either. They can be assholes from time to time but so can everyone. Here is the difference:

    joke: “He clogged the toilet and so I informed him that he is an asshole and then got to plunging.”

    not a joke: “Owen is a real asshole.”

    I guess I just don’t care. In my adult world, I’ll call it like I see it, but to the kids, I give lesser insults. Instead of actually calling them assholes, I tend to call them turds or buttholes or savages to their faces. Although I do bellow at them a lot.

    Other than that, I don’t joke much…lol.

    What are you trying to figure out if I’m kidding or not? Ask me… I’ll tell ya.

  3. Rocketstar Says:

    I’m trying to figure out if Dean really does often say he’s going to get some milk and he’s gone for 3 hours.

  4. Bond Says:

    108: Time to tell Dean that you are the official milk-picker-upper….
    and that you want time alone…

  5. the108 Says:

    Rocket: Ahhh… see, Dean will claim that I am exagerrating and he can feel free to do that because I have many witnesses to this. In fact, most of my friends always joked that Dean had a second family somewhere that he was running off to see. But that was back when it was really bad… now, he isn’t doing that so much. But he is gone for fucking ever sometimes!

    I don’t think he’s up to no good, though. Not as in cheating or anything. I think he just uses the time to take adavantage of the peace and quiet…lol. Which is what I’m trying to do 🙂

    Bond: But it’s so much more appealing to sneak off!

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