Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Why Children Suck. May 11, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:04 pm

It’s no big secret that I don’t like kids. Sure, I might have a shitload of them, but this is the main reason that I don’t like kids anymore.

Prior to having my own, I loved kids. And then, while mine were still young enough, I didn’t mind them. But then, they get older and they get friends and it takes about two seconds to decide that you no longer like children. In fact, you hate them.

It’s not my own children that I don’t like… it’s other people’s. Sort of the way that you never really mind the smell of your own farts but everyone else’s make you want to puke. Even though my kids are assholes, I love them against my will and better judgement.

Most of the time.

Kids can be really cruel and mine are no exception. We had Matthew totally living a peaceful, compassionate life and up until the minute he started school, he was the sweetest, most un-violent child you would ever meet. The second he hit school, he no longer gave a shit what we had to say and it became all about his friends and enemies. He turned into a little savage that drives me nuts.

It’s always something. His stuff is better than mine, so and so said they’re not my friend anymore… blah blah blah. Children tend to use friendship as a weapon against each other, a bargaining chip.

“Let me be the leader or I won’t play with you any more.”

“I get to be the red player or I’ll just go over to Tyler’s house.”

“Let me have it or I’m leaving.”

“If I don’t win then I’m not your friend anymore.”

It’s so weird. One minute they are friends, the next minute, mortal enemies and then by the next day, they are friends again. And so on and so forth.

Matthew’s best friend at the moment sort of drives me crazy. He’s nice enough, but I think maybe he’s using us for stuff. He calls every single day wanting to borrow things and he does it in bizarre ways:

“Hello. This is Scott. I was wondering if Matthew could come over here and bring his Nintendo Wii.”

“Matthew is grounded.”

“Well, I’m bored and wanted to know if I could borrow the Wii.”

“Hell no.”

Every day, it is something else. Can we borrow a game, the gamecube, your remote controllers… everything we own has been asked for. And now, as summer approaches, I have recently been called and asked this (I will give you verbatim, the phone call because it pissed me off):

Scott: Hello, can I talk to Matthew?

Me: No, Scott. Matthew is grounded from when the two of you got thrown out of the play a couple of days ago. He is grounded for two weeks.

Scott: Ohhhh. Well, can I talk to him just for a minute?

Me: No.

Scott: Okay, bye.

Scott hangs up. Two seconds later, the phone rings again. The caller i.d. is showing a local, residential number that comes from a home I am unfamiliar with.

Me: Hello?

Some kid: Hi. Is… (muffled question to other party in the room asking… it’s Matthew, right?)…. is Matthew there?

Me: Who is this?

Kid: This is Skeeter.

Me: Skeeter, Matthew is grounded from the phone and visitors for a couple of weeks. I will tell him that you called.

Skeeter: Um, okay.

Skeeter hangs up. Within another two seconds, the phone rings again. The caller i.d shows the same number. This time, it is Scott again. It appears that he has tried to fool me by going over to his neighbor’s house to use their phone.

Me: Hello?

Scott: Hi. This is Scott again. I was wondering if I could please talk to Matthew for just one teeeensy second.

Me: No, Scott.

Scott: Well, I was just wondering if your pool was open yet because we’re looking for a place to go swimming.

At this, I am pissed. I tell him that the pool is not open and then I rant about the whole thing to Dean who is even more pissed than I am. Dean is pissed because they appeared to only want to come over and use the pool. I am pissed because like hell am I going to do this shit all summer. I have a feeling that they will be calling or stopping by every day to use the pool and since it requires a key, they will be bugging us nonstop to go down there.

I fear that I will never be able to go down to the pool without these people. This means that I will have to spend extra effort lying to them about all kinds of shit just to avoid them without hurting feelings.

And then, yesterday, we have another situation to deal with because my own children are assholes, too.

Scott has a younger brother named Sean who is five years old. My dipshit son writes Scott a letter telling him that he is annoying and telling him that he, Matthew, is going to kick his ass. Obviously, Sean gets upset. His feelings are hurt because an older boy who he thought was his friend has just said something nasty to him. His mother calls us and reads us the letter. Dean and I go ballistic.

I sit Matthew down and let him have it. I explain that what he did was hurtful and that he sucks big time and will be issuing an apology. I force him to remember all the times when other kids hurt his feelings and how it made him feel. I make him aware that he is a dirtbag. Then, we shove his ass into the car and head over to Sean and Scott’s house because Matthew WILL be apologizing in person. We get there and Dean drags Matt up to the door and the mother let’s them in. The problem is… that she has no idea where her five year old child is.

I’m sitting in the car watching as Dean, the mother and Matt wander around outside calling for Sean and sort of looking for him. They do this for about ten minutes when the mother sort of shrugs and says, “I don’t know where he’s run off to. He left about an hour ago and I haven’t seen him since.”

The kid is FIVE.

Matthew is eight and he is not allowed to play outside without supervision. Maybe if we lived in the suburbs and had a fenced in yard… sure. But, not here. He is not responsible enough and he’s too careless. A five year old should not be running around outside by himself without an adult present, much less his own mother having no clue where he is.

Dean comes back to the car and declares that our children will never be playing over there again.


Then, later on, an hour or so, maybe… the phone rings and it is Scott. He tells Dean that Dean can bring Matthew back over now to apologize to Sean. Dean tells him to shove it up his ass and that Matthew will be writing Sean a letter.

“Well, can I borrow your wireless controllers?”


All of these requests translate to me as, “Can Matthew and the Gamecube come over to play and if Matthew can’t make it that’s alright because it’s really the Gamecube that I want.”

One day, they came over because we have cable. ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Brian…. we are DEFINITELY selling our Space Babies on eBay.


10 Responses to “Why Children Suck.”

  1. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I bet we could get a million dollars and then use some of it to buy a Wii and beat that kid to death with it

  2. the108 Says:

    Well, we’d have to because I’m not beating him with MY Wii. I love that thing too much to risk breaking it on some little turds head.

    I say we buy a shitload of them and then also purchase a rocket launcher so that we can lob them at him with the backing of full force.

    Can I borrow your Wii, he asks. Does he not know how big of a pain in the ass it was to get that thing??? He can go and stand his ass in line all night to get one!

    He can have Matthew. The game system…. hell no.

  3. the108 Says:

    Colette: No kidding!!! FIVE YEARS OLD!!!

  4. Thomas Says:

    “Brian….we are DEFINITELY selling our Space Babies on eBay.”

    When you guys consummate your relationship, what positions are you gonna use (and for how long)?

  5. TopChamp Says:

    My favourite was when I went to teach a piano lesson to a 9 yr old round the corner. His mum shouted up the stairs for him to come down… no answer. She pelted up the stairs to drag him out… no son! After phone calls to half his friends with no luck and no answer on his phone I scarpered. She didn’t seem too concerned but was embarassed that I was there!

  6. Mags Says:

    Ugh. I hate this post, not because you wrote it but because it makes me want to kick those kids in the head.

    That’s terrible. I know that kids use each other all of the time when they are little, but to harrass parents over and over and to get away with it is just shit.

    And a 5 YEAR OLD!?!? Wandering around!?! Hellllll no.

    That mother should be hung. That’s terrible.

  7. the108 Says:

    Thomas: Well, I don’t think we can do it, now. Brian went and married Mags this morning and I simply cannot be his dirty, little secret 🙂

    And I even went and made him an awesome badge to show the world that he is Brian… maker of Space Babies. I’m very proud of it. Perhaps he will share it with you someday…lol. It has an alien sperm on it.

    Top Champ: I need a picture of you that shows your face so that I can add you to my sidebar. I have been updating my Man-tourage and Me Bitches but not everyone has a picture of themselves for me to steal…..ahem, ERIN… ahem…. JOLIE….

    Mags: I am so glad that no one is calling me an asshole for wanting to smack these children…lol.

    You guys can come over and use my pool anyday 🙂

  8. Mags Says:


    Pool party. But it’s gotta be after Emi, ’cause I’m bringin’ the ‘Rita’s!!!!

  9. Mags Says:

    I wanna badge for something.


  10. the108 Says:

    Mags: I’ll start working on it right now 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s