Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Grudge May 11, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 12:19 am

People think I’m really, really, super nice. However….

there is a dark side.

There are only a select few who have ever had to experience the wrath of Kyra which I can only describe to be like dealing with Satan dressed all smooth and cunning and oozing with malice. Like Satan, I can be extremely manipulative and underlying. I have perfected the insult wrapped in a compliment and tend to leave my enemies feeling a little weird and not exactly knowing why they are feeling so uncomfortable.The ones who truly piss me off tend to be toyed with, something I do very well, but don’t take much pride in.

One of my biggest weapons against people is making them feel stupid. I watch them scramble for a way to retaliate but they can’t and then, once frustrated, I laugh at them.

I don’t know why I do this. I never instigate a fight, but once handed one, I deal with it as quickly and effectively as possible. If the person is someone I like and respect, then it’s completely the opposite and I will go out of my way to see where my fault was and rectify it. I do not believe in saying that you are sorry if you intend to do it again. I’m sorry is not a band aid. It involves a little effort to not repeat the action that hurt someone.

But the people I don’t give a shit about, I play with like a cat playing with a half dead mouse, wounding them until they can no longer fight and then toying with them for a bit before leaving them to suffer.

I haven’t done this to anyone in over a year. Now, my tactic is to just tell someone to bite me and walk away.

This is what happened at the doctor today. I got there and my doctor wasn’t there. They had scheduled me with the wrong person, a deplorable person who I hate with a passion. This doctor, was the woman who had me in hysterics minutes before my surgery in March when she bluntly informed me that she would do nothing to attempt to save my unborn daughter should something happen. I had legal documentation stating that the child was first priority and that no matter what happened, life saving measures were to be taken for her to include my body staying on life support until she could be safely born if necessary.

This bitch then stands next to my bed and tells me that she has no intention of following my legal wishes and will do nothing to resuscitate my daughter if she were to be born early.

I told her to fuck herself and that I wouldn’t have the surgery then and she got pissed. Such a fight broke out that a slew of doctors and nurses came in to break it up, including my surgeon who immediately threw the bitch off my surgical team and had her taken out. Then, he sat by my bed and wiped my tears and held my hand and promised me that he would put my child before me.

And then I go in there today for my appointment with Dr. V. and they have scheduled me with Dr. H. who is the fucking bitch I hate. Dr. V. is not even there. I find out that Dr. H. is seeing me today and I calmly tell the nurse that that heathen, psychotic freak is not touching me since she is a babykiller. The nurse shuts the door because Dr. H. is in the next room and can hear every word I am saying.

She then tries to explain to me that I have a yellow folder which means that I am extremely high risk and am needing to be seen. I tell her that I don’t give a shit and that Dr. H. is not good enough to wipe my ass much less offer care to my child. The nurse is not sure what to say and so she goes and gets a supervisor.

Supervisor walks in and sits down. She knows allll about me. She takes my hand and says, “I remember when you used to come in wearing sunglasses and refusing to speak.I am very familiar with your case and think you should reconsider seeing Dr. H. but I can’t force you to because it’s your decision and I don’t want to stress you out anymore than you already are.”

I explain to her that I am fine and don’t need any medical attention and will simply wait until I can see Dr. V. as I am comfortable with her and all that shit and she gives me the speech about the yellow folder and how I am to deliver soon and must have care. I’m trying to be very calm and polite because this lady is rather nice and did talk me down off a ledge a few months ago, but I’m also getting a little annoyed and so I flat out tell her that I’m leaving.

Then, there is Dr. H knocking on the door and she comes in and asks me why I don’t want to see her. She wants to measure my fundus and get the baby’s heartbeat and all that shit and thinks that I should let her.

I tell her to go home and enjoy an early day, that it is National Shitty Doctor Appreciation Day and that her early exit is my gift to her. Oh, and that I don’t like her.

She says, “why?”

I say, “Because you are an intolerable shrew and I hate you and you are not fucking touching me.” I have zero patience at this point. Just let me reschedule the fucking appointment and leave me the fuck alone before I get so pissed off that I never return. Because I am stressed out and terribly irrational at this point and also very, very stubborn and spiteful.

These people just sit there and look at me and I am beginning to feel a little bit cornered and I panic. In my head, I am whipping out a gun and screaming at people to stay back as I make my way out the fucking door. In reality, I hear myself telling the doctor that I am leaving now and that she can either get out of the way or I will grind my heel into her face on my way out.

“Okay, then, “she says.

“Thank you,” I politely respond.

I want to run. I want to scream. I am suddenly feeling very claustrophobic and totally unsure of what just happened. I do what I do best and begin to frantically imagine running away and hiding in my closet where it is safe and dark, and start planning for a homebirth, delivering my child all alone in the confines of my home with no one else there. I decide that I shall never return to the hospital again because bad things will happen there and I totally freak out.

Of course, this is all nonsense, but it’s what I do when I feel cornered, and as I woke up feeling uneasy and anxious, I was a complete shit by the time I walked out of that fucking place today. I freaked out so badly that I spiked a big ass fever and started shivering.

It was ridiculous. These people should know by now when to step off and back away slowly and give me a second to breath. After all… I have a yellow folder. I can very quickly feel like a caged animal these days and desperately need silence and room to move.

I go into my road rage mood at times like this. There is no time to manipulate. It is simply, “move your ass, dipshit, or pay the consequences” and no one has ever gone so far as to see what the consequences are. Thank god. Because I don’t know what they are. I have a feeling that they would become internal because I could never lash out and hurt someone physically and as much as I don’t like to be mean to anyone, they have been warned that I am not to be played with. Therefore, if they push me, they have just given me the authority to destroy them. And since I cannot destroy them, I would inadvertently destroy myself by going into my dark and ugly place where there is no where to run.

I’m nuts.

Yet everyone thinks I’m the nicest person ever, and I suppose I am until I go insane.If someone tells me to back off and leave them alone, I typically do just that with a lot of grace. They will come to me when they are ready. Why are others so disinclined to oblige my need for the same kind of respect??

Yes. I know my folder is yellow. I know that there was a mix up in scheduling. I know you are all concerned. I know that I look like Celine fucking Dion right now and I will be fine and call to reschedule with the person I feel comfortable with. The baby is fine. I am fine. Now, leave it alone.

I cannot believe that I shaved my legs for that shit. Dr. V. is the only one who can play around with my vagina. And maybe Dr. D. and DEFINITELY Dr. B. But Dr. H. is not allowed anywhere near my vagina. I’d rather be examined by a dirty, toothless, old, homeless person with saggy balls than let that baby slayer anywhere near me.

I’m holding an irrational grudge right now and have no time for her.

It’s this damned fever. I feel funny today. Very woozy and….weird… and delirious. I think I’m going to go lie down.


5 Responses to “Grudge”

  1. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    so sorry this is upsetting you. take a breath kyra. another one. one more. sigh now. lean back. relax. there…

    smiles, bee

  2. Little Sis Says:

    Hang in there girl! I hope you feel better! When is the next Dr’s appointment?

  3. Bond Says:

    I do not think you are holding an irrational grudge. This medical person (i can not consider her a real doctor) told you they were not going to follow your written instructions.

    The fact that the staff even considered making you see her is an insult.

    Her asking why you didn’t want her to examine you, after the altercation before your surgery AND her being kicked off the team, shows she has no concept of patient care.

  4. EC Says:

    I don’t blame you at all, that is ridiculous that they would have you see her!! – BUT (don’t you love my but’s??) you have to see someone!

    I’m worried about you 😦

  5. the108 Says:

    Thank you, Bond….

    everyone else… I’m FINE!!! Don’t worry…lol. I have no issue seeing a doctor and I just wanted to reschedule with MY doctor instead of someone I don’t feel comfortable with. It’s all good…

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