Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

Birth Plan May 11, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:37 am

Okay. The raging hormones have settled down and after receiving this:

I feel much better.

Who wouldn’t???

Fuck lithium…. Owen kisses will cure what ails ya. I challenge anyone to remain in a funk after getting hit by one of these bad boys.

I’m still a little fevery and I think the bottom line is that I’m getting sick because my throat hurts. I will spend the evening relaxing and Dean and I have decided to bond together in parental decision making by sitting down with my paperwork and filling out my birth plan.

A birth plan is your way of controlling your labor once you are so far gone and in the throws of agony to remember what it was you intended to begin with. It’s a sort of “heads up” to the hospital staff to let them know what your goals are while giving birth although I speak from lots of experience when I tell you that you can write down whatever in the fuck you want, but once them contractions hit, that shit gets tossed right in the can. At that point, you will do whatever makes you get through it and not really give a shit what you had planned on.

Here are a few things that get covered in a birth plan. I will share with you my goals and what I want to happen and then I will share with you what will realistically happen:

1. Environment:
Goals- I wish to wear my own clothes and have lots of music and people around.
Reality- I’ll probably vomit on myself and be forced to wear a gown or go naked. I will also probably get annoyed and launch things at people until they get the fuck out. Then, I will feel bad and cry and beg for them to come back just so that I may resume throwing things at them. This cycle will last throughout the entire labor.

2. Mobility:
Goal- I wish to be allowed to walk around whenever I want to progress labor and to maintain a comfortable status.
Reality– I will probably be in so much pain that I will be in a ball on the floor and will not have a comfortable status to remain in.

3. Hydration/Nutrition:
Goal- I would like a heparin lock so that I may move around with freedom and as I choose. This way I can use the bathroom or walk around and can have an i.v. attached and detached whenever I feel like it.
Reality- They’ll give me the fucking heparin lock.

4. Monitoring:
Goal- I wish to not be hooked up to fetal monitors but periodic handheld devices are fine to check the heartbeat and whatnot.
Reality- They won’t be able to find a goddamned heartbeat and after making me switch positions a million times, will force me into bed so that they can break my water and insert an internal monitor.

5. Pain relief:
Goal- I will begin begging for an epidural around six centimeters dilation after requesting several doses of stadol.
Reality- The dipshit anesthesiologist won’t be able to place an epidural due to my “scoliosis” and I will cry like a bitch without one, hate life, beg for death to come and have a total cow. All the while tanked off my ass from the stadol.

6. Pictures:
Goal- To take as many pictures and as much video as possible so that I might gross you all out with the gory thrill of childbirth.
Reality- My camera’s battery will go dead two minutes before I begin pushing and therefore I will only have a million pictures of me looking murderous and launching things at people.

7. Delivery:
Goal- I don’t give a shit. Just get it out. If you have to cut me, go for it. I will push however the fuck and whenever I want and you have nothing you can say about it. If I choose to push the baby out on the floor, then I will.
Reality-They’ll do everything they can to get me to conform and I will do whatever the hell I want. Which, at the time will be lying in bed pushing for two minutes until the baby is out.

8. Umbilical cord:
Goal- Matthew cuts the cord
Reality- He won’t be able to cut through it and Dean will have to step in to help him. With bolt cutters.

9. Baby:
Goal- Give her to me right now, fuckers.
Reality- They’ll try to do that and she will be gross and I’ll hand her to Dean to clean her up a bit. THEN… Give me my baby.

10. Afterwards:
Goal- Gimme the kid and let me get the fuck outta there.
Reality- They’ll keep me for a few days because my blood pressure will be too low.

So… there are many ideal fantasies about how you would like your labor and delivery to go but you have no real clue what you’ll want when the time actually comes. So, this is what Dean and I will be deciding this evening as if he really has a say in any of it. I will graciously allow him to pretend to be involved with the birthing process although we both know that he doesn’t really do shit. And if he even tries to take any form of credit afterwards, I will kick his ass. The glory will be mine, bitch.

As Owen’s kisses cure personality disorders, they won’t do shit for labor pains. It would be pretty cool if they did, though.


9 Responses to “Birth Plan”

  1. Mags Says:

    I think I need an Owen kiss today. Can he made insomnia go away??

    You had me cracking up with the Goals vs Reality ones…especially #1.

    And I’m a dumbass so I don’t know what a heparin lock is…please explain!

  2. Brian in Mpls Says:

    Male Birth Plan: Insert sperm

  3. the108 Says:

    Mags: A hep lock is when they put the i.v. catheter into your hand and tape that fucker in there real good but don’t attach anything to it. No tubes. This way, you can either be attached and stuck in bed or you can have them undo your tubing and you can move around without lugging that pole thing around. Heparin is the medicine they put in it. They attach a little syringe to your hand and flush the catheter with heparin so that you don’t clot up.

    Brian: Lucky bastards.

  4. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    gosh things have changed! when my water broke in 1965 i was taken to the hospital, left there, put on a bed on my back for 9 hours until it got REALLY bad, then he was called back to come in, yeesh. plus we stayed in the hospital a week! it was dreadful… much better now.

    smiles, bee

  5. Rocketstar Says:

    “…is that I’m getting sick because my throat hurts”
    — Maybe it’s those late night escapades, hehehehe.

    So when is the date? Whatever happens, it will be interesting and I hope all goes well 108.

    But at this point you are a pro right ;o)

    brian, LOL!

  6. Little Sis Says:

    LOVE the goals vs. reality! So ubelievably true. I didn’t even do a birth plan so everything was out the window! Thank goodness for emergency C-sections..and drugs! LOL!

    It’s even better when the maintenance man comes into your delivery room and says he was ordered to clean all the air vents on the floor while you’re in mid-contraction! (Yes this really happened to me.) Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything nearby to launch at him…

  7. Bond Says:

    Gee Brian.. I think you got away lucky.. I expected Kyra to grab your genitals and rip them off and yell INSERT THE SPERM NOW YOU BASTARD!” for your comment!

    But maybe that is because i just read the “grudge” post first….


  8. EC Says:

    Awww, that kiss is so precious – it really does make everything seem so much better!!

    Your birth plan is hysterical – you seem a whole lot more calm then I did!!

    It’ll be over soon 🙂

  9. the108 Says:

    Bee: Yeah… that sucks!

    Rocket: Late night escapades…lol. Rug burn of the throat. I’m due on July 8th, but we’re aiming to get her out a couple of weeks early with natural induction. Which, as you probably know… means lots of sex and having my membranes stripped. It’ll suck.

    Colette: I would have asked to borrow a hammer and then thrown that at him…lol.

    Bond: LOL! It’s amazing what Owen kisses will do to calm a woman down. In the future, he will be able to use his lips as rufinol.

    Erin: Calm???? I’m freaking the fuck out. It’s like knowing that you are going to die painfully. Ack!

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