the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

The Great Dildo Discovery May 9, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:04 am

It simply never fails.

No matter how well you have the dildos hidden, the children WILL find them. And… they will ask questions.

Our dildos are kept in a black satin bag in various remote places to make them harder to find. The only child to ever actually have liberated a dildo from it’s black bag before was Matthew, who at a very young age discovered them and was caught swinging one around making light saber noises. After such a thing one learns to be more careful.

However, it would seem that there just isn’t a good place to put your dildos these days. Each and every new hiding spot has Dean and I gloating that they’ll never find them there and high fives ensue. So far, we’ve been very lucky and they’ve dragged the bag out many times to enquire and have always had it wrestled violently from their little paws and re hidden before it could be opened.

Aha! We say. They’ll never find it THIS time!

Until the next time they find it.

Well, they done did it. They found the bag somehow and got it opened. As I sat in my living room relaxing after having just done homework with Matt, I hear…. nothing. As most parents know, the sound of nothing is a warning of something wicked going on. In my house, it means that the children are conspiring against us or doing something they’ve been told a million times before not to do. But this evening, the sound of silence meant only one thing:

The Great Dildo Discovery.

Here I sit enjoying stretching out and putting my feet up, listening to the whir of the wash machine when along comes Matthew first with the “Thumb Pleaser“, a medium sized apparatus with a thumb on it. It’s pink, but at first, it takes me a second to recognize it. I had forgotten about the Thumb Pleaser it seems, because at first glance, I didn’t wonder why my kid was holding a dildo, but I wondered who’s dildo it was.

The second it registers, I panic, snatch the device from the child and look desperately for a place to stick it within reach just to remove it from his sight until it can be dealt with. There is no logical place to put the damned thing, so I was forced to utilize my resources.

Just as I was shoving the dildo down the front of my pants, Owen comes in brandishing a gigantic, blue, sparkly number that he’s got on full force vibrate mode and is waving in my face. I’m grabbing at the thing but he is slapping me in the face with it over and over again and I feel a little bit like I’m being slapped with a fish and as he’s jabbing me with it, he’s asking “Mom, what’s this… what’s this thing, mom… what is it??” over and over again. At this point I’m having a nervous breakdown as I am continuing to be beaten with the giant, blue monster but I manage to wrestle the little turd to the ground and get the machine away from him.

Out of breath and with my hair now plastered to my face, I realize that I still have the other dildo down my pants and I drop to the ground with a thud, shoving the blue one up my pant leg. I’m trying like hell to get it to stop vibrating as it’s rather loud and I’m sort of yelling at Owen and Matt over the sound of the thing. They continue to fire questions at me about what the dildos are, what do you do with them, why were they hidden….. so on and so forth. I…. am blushing.

I do NOT blush.

Well, not under normal circumstances, but this one was far from normal. And these damned children were still asking about the fucking dildos and without a second thought, I blamed that shit on Dean.

“What are those, Mommy??” They ask.

“Hell if I know,” I say.” They’re you’re dad’s.”

“But what do they dooooo??”

“Shit, I dunno. I think he uses them for work,” I reply.

“Then why are you hiiiiiiding them??”

” Because they are dangerous weapons,” I explain, all the while in my head, asking myself, “what the fuck are you telling these children??” I am blowing my own mind at this point with the ludicrous shit I am saying to explain a couple of fucking dildos.

“Can we play with them, Mommy, pleeeeaaaase??”

“You may certainly not. You’re liable to blow your head off with one of those things.”

shit! Did I just say that? What is wrong with me? It’s a dildo, not a fucking hand grenade.

“PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?????”

“No, goddamn it!” I shout.” Those are your fathers and you will learn how to respect his things! Now stop asking or I’ll spank you with one until you cry! And believe me… you WILL cry as these are very dangerous weapons I’m talking about. Now get out of here and leave this stuff alone!”

ummm… mommy? You might want to take those out of your pants before you get hurt.”

“I will take them out when I am good and ready! Now…. give Mommy a little bit of privacy for a few minutes.”

At this, both boys trod out of the living room and I scurry around looking for a new hiding spot. I’m totally at a loss as to what to do with them. I have stuck the things back in their black bag and am now sitting here with it in my lap because it is the only place I feel they are safe.

Dear god, what will come of the dildos???

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9 Responses to “The Great Dildo Discovery”

  1. Bond Says:

    the wife had a vibrator. nothing fancy – one of those they sell in stores as a massager. Imagine our surprise when one day Matt is found with it on rubbing it all over his face and body.

    Then I think he began using it as a masturbatory toy! Holding it on himself…oh god….

  2. EC Says:

    Have I mentioned in the past day that you really crack me up? You are like my personal entertainment 🙂

  3. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) Says:

    my mother in law used to go through my drawers so i never had anything. well except my vibrating toothbrush. but that still gives me troubles.

    smiles, bee

  4. Brian in Mpls Says:

    I laughed vodka through my nose when I was reading this before work today..lol

    That is awesome!!!

  5. Thomas Says:

    Ever thought of just telling them the truth?

  6. the108 Says:

    Thomas: I’m usually a big advocate of telling them the truth, however, my oldest has become that freak child who WILL go to school and blurt such a thing out:

    “My daddy fucks my mommy with a dildo!”

    And then he’ll be suspended and other kids parents will be calling me and you know how that goes.

    Remember when he tried to cut off that little girl’s hands with scizzors because he was playing star Wars? I fear him trying to pretend a pencil is a dildo or something and really hurting someone.

    I wish he could be trusted with honesty. You have to be careful with honesty,sometimes. It’s pretty dangerous stuff.

  7. Dee Says:

    I can barely breath I’m laughing so hard!! Aren’t kids precious!

  8. Little Sis Says:

    Oh my fucking god. I am not looking forward to any of that! I about choked to death when I read that I was laughing so hard!

  9. TopChamp Says:

    I think I just sat laughing without saying hello….. So hello.

    Still made me chuckle reading it again! Your kids are gonna have some fine stories to tell when they grow up!!


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