I foolishly ran out of my medication on Friday and with all the pharmacies on post closed for the weekend and me unable to get a refill, The weekend was weird.
The result of me running out of my medicine was that I spent the entire weekend obsessing over strange things, designing web page after web page and watching the same episodes of television shows over and over again. I also burned about fifty Cd’s of incredibly random music. Once burned, I would burn them again.
I also couldn’t sleep and was up until about 5 in the morning on Sunday re-watching a 48 Hours Exclusive for about 6 straight hours and otherwise just screwing around. By three thirty in the morning, I decided to try taking a shower. By four thirty, I figured maybe some sex would wear me out and so I removed poor Dean’s pants as he slept and gave him a blow job until he woke up and obliged me in a little sex-ercise.
It didn’t work. He ended up passing back out afterwards and I ended up sitting there watching some more 48 Hours. I have no clue when I finally fell asleep but I can tell you that I was all thrown off by it the next day.
Last night, I apparently had no problems falling asleep. At ten thirty, I went to bed to watch cartoons and I made it through Futurama, The Family Guy and then I got up to pee before Aqua Teen Hunger Force came on. At 12:45, Dean comes to bed and I’m not sure what happened, if this is real or if I dreamed it, but I remember hollering at the top of my lungs that he had stolen my pillow and there would be hell to pay. “I need my pillow to watch Aqua Teen!” I shouted. Dean is giggling and then tells me that I’m adorable. “For what exactly to do say such a thing for??!!!” I holler, at this point making grand arm gestures at him as I incoherently bellow absurdities at him.
“You’re cute when you’re asleep and yelling at me,” he says.
“I’m not asleep… I’m watching Aqua Teen,” I reply.
“Um… no…. you were sound asleep when I came in. Aqua Teen was on at 11:30 and it is now 12:45,” He says.
“Outrageous!” I scream. And then I turn to the television and lo and behold, there is some shit on that I haven’t seen before… some japanimation nonsense that I have no interest in.
“I want a sandwich!!!!!!!!!”
“Fuck you, Kyra. I am not getting up and making you a goddamned sandwich at one in the morning. I’m going to sleep now. Take your fucking pillow and shut up!”
“Fuck, no!!!!!!!!! Get your own fucking sandwich!!”
I’m not sure how long this went on but I do know that eventually, a sandwich was produced and also a glass of milk and I sat in bed eating the goddamned thing and mumbling at Dean and gesturing wildly as he sat there and giggled about how absolutely ridiculous I am.
I will have to ask him if this took place or if I dreamed it because for the life of me, I cannot remember what happened on Aqua Teen last night. Which leads me to think that this absurd shit actually happened.
And then, it happened again.
I had another dream last night that my water broke and that I was in full blown labor. I wake up at five thirty in the morning and have no clue whatsoever that it was a dream. I look on the bed next to me and Dean has left for work and has been replaced by Olivia, who must have crawled in there at some point.
Still half asleep and having no clue that I was not actually in labor and still thinking that my water had broken even though the bed isn’t wet in the slightest, I wonder what I should do. Never you mind that I’m not having contractions. I’m sitting there in the bed wondering if I should call my doctor, Dean, the labor and delivery floor. I contemplate alerting the media and calling everyone I know. I ponder packing a bag and ordering birth announcements. I do this for about a half hour even though I’m still not having contractions and I have yet to notice that my water isn’t actually broken.
Holy shit. I’m in labor, I think.
Not knowing what to do, I did the most illogical thing one might do in this situation: I woke up Olivia.
“Psst…. Olivia!…. OLIVIA! Wake up! Are you awake??”
She blinks at me and pulls the covers up over her face and mutters, “I’m sleeping, Mommy.”
“But I’m in LABOR!” I tell her.
“Stop it mommy! Got to sleep!” she says.
Damn it. Now what do I do? I wonder to myself as though Olivia may have actually helped me out. Being that she’s two fucking years old and all. So, I sit there for a while longer and then I decide to go pee. I notice that my bed is dry and find that very strange since my water had broken but I go to the bathroom and pee and, still convinced that I was in labor, climbed back to bed to await the contractions that I had now noticed were not coming.
“I should try to get some rest while I still can”, I said to myself. And I went back to sleep.
At 6:45, my alarm goes off and I get up and have completely forgotten that I was in labor. It took me about two hours to remember and by then, it had dawned on me that it was a dream and I felt like a fucking idiot.
Yet, very, very glad that I didn’t actually place all those phone calls.
That would have been awkward.