Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

The Secret Lives of…. You People. May 6, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 10:46 pm

I don’t really try to keep it a big secret that I’m completely fucking insane. I don’t seem to have a real issue divulging very embarrassing facts about me, either. However, being insane makes me truly believe that others are secretly insane, too and that maybe it’s not really insanity at all, just ones willingness to admit it.

Yesterday, Brian and I were having a long chat about only the kind of nonsense that the two of us might discuss and I mentioned to him a little, partially known fact about me. I say “partially known” because I know that I have eeked out tiny, little references to this before but haven’t gone into any kind of real detail. I’m not really sure if I just blurted this out or if something lead me to bring it up…. probably, I just blurted it out…. but I shared with Brian a little tidbit that should probably be very embarrassing to admit:

As a kid, I used to lie in bed at night and make out with my pillow pretending it was the ninja turtles.

That’s right. Hot, turtle sex.

I have it wicked bad for certain cartoon characters. And some of them are downright inappropriate because if they were real beings and NOT animated and I fantasized about them, I could probably end up on a list somewhere labeled a sexual predator.

I’m no longer attracted to the Ninja Turtles. I grew out of that one although I will admit that Raphael in the new TMNT movie had me grabbing for a pillow to make passionate love to, but the others just didn’t do it for me.

My biggest crush of late is Stewie Griffin from the show The Family Guy.

Although I am fully aware that he is a baby, he makes me want to throw a sexy party with him. He’s hot. I’m also a little bit attracted to Brian the dog on the same show. Me, Brian and Stewie could have a hell of a romp. If they weren’t cartoons. Or a dog and a baby.

I also have the hots for the Geico lizard but I won’t go into that any further because Mags hates him.

If you’ve ever watched the show Metalocolypse, then you’ll know of two of my other fantasies: Nathan Explosion and Tokie Wartooth. Now, these two are grown men and so if they were real I could totally get away with doing them both and no one could have a damned thing to say about it other than maybe calling me a whore. Oh, and I suppose Dean would have a problem with it, but whatever.

Carl from the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He’s hairy and fugly and gross and you can almost smell him through the television…. but I want him. And Frylock, too. Frylock gives me a funny feeling…. you know…. down THERE.

Now, some of my weird sexual fantasies are about cartoonish characters who are not animated. One good example of this is the Geico Cave Man. Screw you Geico for appealing to my naughty side as a way to get me to switch insurance companies. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

That cave man is wiiiiicked sexy.

Do you remember that chicken from the Burger Kind commercials? The one that said “Maybe I do wanna be a french fry!”? That chicken does it for me, too. Jack from the Jack in the box commercials is a doozy for me as well. He, with his giant, round head that I just wanna sit on. Jack…. I’d like you to wear me as a hat.

Maybe I also have a thing for turtles because the turtle in the Comcast commercials turns me on, too.

There are far too many more for me to even have the time in a day to confess. But I certainly don’t think that I’m the only one on the planet that thinks certain cartoon characters are hot. Back in the day, men wanted Betty Boop and, of course, Jessica Rabbit. There are all the scantily clad Laura Crofts from video games and women around the world swooned over Mr. Clean. And for the freakier people out there, there was Bugs Bunny dressing in drag all the time.

I also think people have a “thing” for characters in general. Like guys loving the Princess Leia in the gold bikini thing or women loving firemen.

I love firemen. I have a soldier who’s in uniform all the time, but it’s just not the same as a fireman.

Guys like the school girl character, nurse, teachers, … you get it. Women like doctors and other men with money.

I, personally, have a thing for Pirates.

Oh, I just looooove pirates. All pirates. I don’t know why pirates are such a big, sexual attraction for me, but they are. Maybe there is a shrink out there that could explain this because I simply cannot get enough of them. I’m even attracted to Patchy the Pirate from the show Spongebob Squarepants played by Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob.

And…. Captain Feathersword. You mommies out there know exactly who I’m talking about.

Dustin Hoffman once played Captain Hook in the Robin Williams movie called Hook. This sent me into a frenzy because Dean is the spitting image of Dustin Hoffman (seriously…. look at him… he could be his son) and the idea of Dean the Pirate is enough to have me strip neckid right now and make a grab at the booty…. ARGHHH!

I also have a (HUGE, GIGANTIC,MONSTROUS,ENOURMOUS,UNQUENCHABLE THIRST)thing for Jedis. May the force be with you. But, remember… it’s not the size of the light saber that matters……. it’s how you use it.


I know that if you people out there were willing to admit it, I’m sure you could think up a strange, sexually bizarre, secret fetish as well. So, I ask you:

1. Name an animated character you find sexy:

2. Name a non-animated character that you find sexy:

3. I like pirates…. what’s your fantasy?

Answer the goddamned questions!


4 Responses to “The Secret Lives of…. You People.”

  1. Brian in Mpls Says:

    Marge Simpson or the wife from all American dad;)

    I am rather boring and enjoy the school girl and the matrix the most although for variety I will deal with

    But mostly I enjoy going for it in public the idea of getting caught or people watching gets me for some reason

  2. Dixiechick Says:

    Damm girl.. do I really have to admit this????

    Ok… I honestly don’t have any animated character that I really have a thing for..

    My non-animated would have to be Superman… oh lord… could you only imagine what he could do to you and how many ways….

    Pirates – none other than Cpt. Jack Sparrow… any place, any time, any where, any thing… and I do mean “ANY”… 😉

  3. the108 Says:

    Brian: Public places are fun!

    Dixie: Um… Capt. Jack is HOTTTTTTT!

  4. Bond Says:

    NO freaking way … nope nope nope nope

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