the108

Inside the mind of America’s (raunchy, foul mouthed, overly opinionated, sexually aggressive, incredibly offensive, fly by the minute, ridiculously absurd, often times erratic, psychologically questionable) Sweetheart.

And the winner is…… March 30, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 11:10 pm

Wow! I’m surprised that so many people participated and it has certainly motivated me to continue on with the games. We did, in fact, have a winner but before I announce who will be getting the mystery prize and what has been won, I’ll go through the list:

1. I was once thrown out of a Catholic church for refusing to wear shoes.

This is true. When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who went to a Catholic school and his graduation was at a church. Being one with nature, I went in a tye-dye and some torn jeans and no shoes. I was asked to wait outside and missed the ceremony.

2. I was a cheerleader.

I was a cheerleader in the ninth grade. I was damned good at it until I got expelled from school for having LSD and beer in my locker. Not fitting behavior for a cheerleader, I suppose.

3. I was adopted when I was four years old.

This is also true. After a string of foster homes, I was adopted by a family at four years old.

4. I was once the study of a college psychology class.

During my adoption proceedings my parents were informed that I had suffered a great shock and was living with post traumatic stress disorder. They had a battery of tests run on me including an I.Q. test which I scored really high on. Somehow word got out about the psycho-genius and the University of Cincinnati asked to study me.

5. I lived in a tree for two years.

After I left home at 17 I moved to Florida and had no place to live. Armed with some new friends, we built a home for me in a small forest that included a tree house. The tree house was built out of wood we stole from the Home Depot back when they kept the lumber outside in the fenced in area. We also jacked furniture from the Salvation Army trucks outside of Walmart and made quite a living space for me. I had a living room, two bedrooms, the kitchen and a party room. It was great.

6. I have hitchhiked across the country with a cat.

This is how I got to Florida after running away from home at 17. I started in a car and made it about fifty miles until the thing broke down. So, me and my cat, Pey-pey hitchhiked down to Florida and lived on the beach for about a month until the tree house was built.

7. I sang at a Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football game.

This is FALSE. The person who sang at the Buccs game was Dean-o. In fact, I had such terrible stage fright that we were together for almost two years before I ever let him know that I could sing at all. So, there was no way in hell I sang at the game. Since then, I’m much less afraid of public performace.

8. I have lived in Europe.

Yep. Thanks to the good ol’ Army we lived in Germany for three years.

9. I am a published author.

This is also true. I’ve had a number of poems published in books during the past five years.

10. I have broken 12 bones in my body.

-Skull
-Spine
-Scapula (shoulder blade)
-wrist
-Arm
-shoulder
-hip
-ankle
-collarbone
-eye socket
-elbow
-hand

So, lo and behold, we have a winner:

Paige!!!!!!!!

Miss Paige is the winner of one of my all time favorite books, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by author Dave Eggers.

Part fiction and part non-fiction, this is a story chronicling the life of Eggers as he raises his younger brother after the deaths of his parents. As morbid as you’d think this is, depressing, it is NOT. This book is about the funniest story I’ve ever read and has had a huge influence on my style of writing and candor. Paige will be getting a free copy but for anyone else, I recommend you find it, read it and love it.

Congratulations, Paige!!!

So, now you have all learned a few interesting facts about the108 and until next time….

And Miss Paige…. I need you to email me your address 🙂

 

Somethin’ Smells Like Shit

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:38 pm

Let’s play a game.

Just for shits and giggles, I have decided to have a little fun with all of my blogger buddies out there. Well, the shits and giggles are for me, but the winner of the game will get a prize. Once a month or so, we’ll play some kind of game and then the winner will receive one of the108’s favorite things. It could be anything…. a favorite book of mine, something I own and love and want to share with someone else, anything that makes me laugh…. whatever.

This month’s prize will be something that I usually give to people as gifts. I own one of these myself and tend to buy it for people I also think will love it.

The game this month is simple. I will list ten things about myself below except that one of the things I put will be complete bullshit. A total, made up lie. Your mission is to sniff out the shit and expose my lie. The first person to do this gets the prize.

Leave your guess in my comments and I will update when and if someone gets it right. To ensure that no one simply guesses every option, each person is limited to three guesses, but each guess must be made one at a time. Also, you must include a reason why you think that the answer you choose is bullshit. 109…. you are disqualified for obvious reasons.

It won’t be easy. I tend to be a very weird person and have done a lot of crazy things. And as a warning, know that if you win you’ll have to email me your address so that I may send you your prize, but I won’t disclose that information to anyone else. Good luck!

Ten things about Kyra:

1. I was once thrown out of a Catholic church for refusing to wear shoes.

2. I was a cheerleader.

3. I was adopted when I was four years old.

4. I was once the study of a college psychology class.

5. I lived in a tree for two years.

6. I have hitchhiked across the country with a cat.

7. I sang at a Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football game.

8. I have lived in Europe.

9. I am a published author.

10. I have broken 12 bones in my body.

You must have your guesses in by Monday…..

Happy Hunting!

 

Tagged?

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 2:29 pm

Okay, so I’ve never done this before but after reading Bond’s hilarious post he has “tagged” me in his comments. After a little research, I’m assuming then, that I am to answer the same questions and then tag three people myself.

Is that right??? Is that what I’m supposed to do??

Let’s get started:

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU’VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1. “I’m sorry…. I’m not that kind of girl.”
2. ” It’s okay…. people confuse me with Anjelina Jolie every day.”
3. “It seems there’s been a mistake and you’ve overpaid me……”
4. “No you may NOT stick it in there!”

LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU’VE FELT THIS WEEK:

1. “Careless”– Amos Lee
2. “Lost Cause”– Beck
3. “Daughter’s”–John Mayer
4. “Let’s Get It On”–Marvin Gaye
5. “Trouble”–Ray Lomontagne
6. “Keep on Hoping”–Raul Midon
7. “Heaven Help Us All”–Stevie Wonder

IMAGINE YOU’RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?

1. I’d be waking up early before the kids and have Dean home for a little in bed laughing and talking.
2. Having breakfast on a yacht and spending the morning jumping off into the ocean with the kids.
3. A huge family barbeque with family that doesn’t suck.
4. Performing on the big stage and being cheered for by thousands.

MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1. “King Midas’s Golden Dick”
2. “Glass Embryo”
3. “Steve”
4. “55 inch Dildo”
5. “No Means Maybe”

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?

1. “I Believe I Can Fly”
2. “We Are The World”
3. Anything from the Rent soundtrack

Okay…. so now methinks I’m supposed to tag three people and the lucky contestants are:

Mags
the109 (let’s give hm something to chew on)
Thomas

Happy Friday, everyone!

 

It’s About Time

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 6:11 am

Well, well, well. It seems that Mr. Dean aka the109 has decided to grace us with his presence. Very well, then. We can make room for one more. But if he misbehaves, he’s out.

Do you hear me, Dean!! I said OUT!

But seriously. The109 is a very intelligent and very funny person and I’m glad he’s decided to enter the blogger community. So long as I don’t have to stop flirting with Thomas, then it’s cool and Dean has assured me that I can flirt away. (Don’t worry, Thomas…. you could take him.)I’m not sure if we have come to this agreement so long as Dean gets to flirt with Mags or what, but I’m game for anything… hee hee.

It’s gonna be fun to read all the bullshit lies my husband posts about me. Don’t believe a word of the crap he tells you. I am perfection, a masterpiece, really, but he might try to taint your minds with absurd allegations at times. In addition to spouting off his ludicrous falsehoods about yours truly, he may also give us some interesting views into the mind of the hippie soldier. His sarcasm and wit and excessive use of strange, made up curse words that often times ramble all strung together incoherently will entertain and enlighten us. He is a mad genius, both intellectually and musically and I’m hoping and confident that he will share some of his music with us every now and then.

So, stop in and find out the answer to the burning question: “Who in the hell is the109?”.

And, feel free to tell him that his dad is a bastard!

 

The Lost Rebel March 29, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 3:47 pm

A couple of years ago, we had this black pomeranian that weighed about five pounds and acted like he weighed 200. His name was Rebel and the entire family really loved this little dog as he was funny and sweet and full of himself, which cracked us up. He would’ve cracked you up, too, as big and bad as he thought he was. He was about the size of a foot. It was absurd.

Then, two Christmases ago, my 78 year old Father In Law came to visit us for the holidays, It was his first Christmas since his wife had died and we invited him in the hopes that it would help a bit with getting through the holidays. We’ll call him, Ray. Because that is his name.

So, Ray comes to visit and it’s torture on me because I hate the old bastard.

Then, to top it all off, on Christmas eve he decides to go outside and sit on the porch for a bit and leaves the front door wide open. I was wrapping up the last few presents to put under the tree and didn’t notice the door being wide open or the fact that Rebel had hauled ass.

Oh, dear.

So, Dean goes hightailing it out the front door in the middle of the night to try to find the tiny, five pound, black fluffball which is about impossible since it was so dark outside. I pace back and forth as Ray sits and casually tells me that the dog will come home when he’s good and ready. I already want to smother Ray with a pillow and now I want to urinate on him as I do it because the old fucker just did not care that he had let our dog out. It was Christmas Eve and Dean was out forever looking for that dog and I cried so hard that night. Dean and I both knew that come Christmas morning, all the presents in the world were not going to make it okay with one particular child in the house that his beloved dog was gone.

Owen and Rebel were inseparable. The two other kids loved the dog, too, but for Owen, Rebel was his best friend. They slept curled up together every night and Rebel trotted faithfully after Owen all day. They played, wrestled, crawled around and snuggled each other and no one else was as important to the two of them as each other. If Owen was yelled at, Rebel was there firmly planting himself between you and the boy to ensure that he’d be safe, ready to fling his furry ass at you in defense if anything were to happen. I’ve never seen such a bond before.

Owen woke up to a bare spot in the bed next to him on Christmas morning and he was unbelievably upset that Rebel was gone. Ray told him the dog would be back.

The dog never came back.

The day after Christmas, Dean started making calls. He called all the vets in the area and the microchip people and the humane society. He called the military police and the vet on post. No one had seen Rebel. Owen asked every five minutes for the next couple of months when his dog was going to be home and we had no idea what to tell him. We knew the truth, or so we thought: That no one in their right mind was going to return a purebred, teacup Pomeranian. The dog was gone and my son was devastated.

A few months later, we found out that Rebel was dead. He was accidentally put to sleep after two days at the Humane Society. A mix up in the paperwork had Rebel’s stay there recorded as months long and he was scheduled for euthanization. After two days.

When I heard this, I lost it. I cried like a baby both for the dog and the boy who missed him so much. Two years later and Owen still asks for Rebel, when he will be home. It breaks my heart because he loves animals so much but we can’t have a dog where we live. Not only that, but it’s a bad time to be getting a new puppy with the baby coming so soon. I just know how much Owen loves having animals around to play and snuggle with and it devastates me that after two years, he’s still sad over the loss of his dog.

Dean and I have talked it over and decided that for Owen’s birthday on Saturday, we’re going to get him a kitten. We can’t do a dog right now, but a kitten will be just as good to him. So, tomorrow, while Dean has the day off, we’re going to go on the hunt and hopefully find a sweet, little baby for Owen to be surprised with on Saturday morning. He’ll get to name it and take care of it and, I’m hoping, it will help to heal the hurt he has over Rebel.

Wish us luck 🙂

 

Happy Days March 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 11:13 pm
My scanner sucks ass so these pictures are hideous. But I love them because they are my memories built from the best days of my life. Soon, there will be more to add, but for now, nostalgia has hit and I’m all hormonal and weepy as I cruise back in time. Feel free to join me.

The Wedding:

Oh, yes. That there is the wedding of Dean-o and I. I was six months pregnant with Matthew at 20 years old when I got married and it was a hell of a day. Being the tree hugging hippies that we were, I was clad in my velvet, tye-dye dress (you know I look hot) and both Dean and I were barefoot. My favorite memories of that day include the fact that I was late for my own wedding and when I showed up, Dean and the groomsmen were stumbling out of the bushes in a cloud of smoke where they had been hittin’ the ol’ bong. I almost smacked him. I think I was the only person at this wedding who wasn’t stoned, though. The ceremony itself was beautiful in a hippie sort of way and we married in the woods with all of our friends there. Afterwards, we went back to the house and threw a wicked party with Dean and friend Aaron playing music and Dean-o singing and everyone got stoned some more. Except for the pregnant bride who missed out on that fun. Oh, well. Those days are long gone.

Matthew’s Birth:

This is Matt’s first picture after he was born and, boy was he pissed. I’m not sure about the laws of showing neckid, little babies so I played it safe. It was huge anyways so it’s best I not intimidate my male readers and make them feel inadequate.

This was the first time I held Matt and I cried like a baby. I was in awe of him and extremely emotional. Although I found him to be hideously unattractive, I marveled at his gloriousness anyway. But, holy cow, he was one ugly baby.

Here we are saying goodbye to the hospital and venturing out into the unknown world of parenting.

Owen’s Birth:

Owen was born in Germany and this is the footprint card they made for him with his first photo. It just tells us his weight and height and time of birth and welcomes him into the world.

Before they even let me hold him, Owen was handed to Dean for a bath. I was terrified that Dean was going to drown him but he did a great job and the two of them were inseparable that day. Seriously. There is not one single photo of me on this day as Dean wouldn’t give up the baby. Owen looked about three months old when he was born because he was so huge and Dean pretty much sat in a chair from the minute the kid came out just talking to him. Owen was so alert and listened intently to everything Dean was saying. I wish I knew what Dean was telling him. I remember being very moved watching the two of them together. Owen was born with those trademark dimples and bright blue eyes and he just spent the fist day of his life sucking on his hand and looking around. With that damned Dean, the baby snatching fucker.

Um. Yeah. This is the outfit the German nurses put my child in after his bath. He looks like a fucking lawn gnome. Underneath this ridiculous get up is about five more layers of pajamas. It was March 31st and not exactly cold in there but they really concerned themselves with the kid freezing to death. They handed me the lawn gnome and I gave them the “what the fuck did you do to my kid?” look. I tried to change his clothes and every time I did, they took him and stuck him back into another of their strange outfits. Really…. this outfit is child abuse.

This is the picture they took to put with his footprint. He is so goddamned cute.

Olivia’s Birth:

I have dark brown hair. Dean has dark brown hair. This made it easy for me to assume that my daughter was going to also have dark brown hair. Nope. Olivia came out with the weirdest hair I’ve ever seen. It looked like water. Now, everyone assumes that because she is blond, I must have cheated on Dean. Well, screw you. I most certainly did not with the exception of Nick Nolte. For those of you who missed the Nolte reference/joke entirely, click here. Olivia did not come out looking like Nick Nolte, though. In fact, the minute I saw her I said, “Holy shit, she looks just like David Letterman.” And it was true. People laughed politely and acted as though they thought she was all gorgeous but she wasn’t. She looked just like Letterman. It was very disturbing, really.

This was back when I was extraordinarily fat. I am not this fat anymore. I promise. Please feel free to imagine me much skinnier next time you are masturbating. In fact, here is an updated picture of me without all that extra weight so that you may become aroused more easily:


Just keeping it current. You understand. I’d hate to be misrepresented.

 

The All American (Idol) Blog Post-Vol.2

Filed under: Uncategorized — the108 @ 5:06 pm
Last night’s episode of American Idol brought Gwen Stefani as the celebrity vocal coach. I’m not gonna lie… I don’t know if there was a theme or not, but she was there so maybe she was the theme. Who knows. Well, I’m sure someone knows but it’s not me.

Anyway.

The night started out with Lakisha and here is what took place.

Lakisha:

Song: “Let’s Dance”

*Lakisha, as usual, had a great performance. Her song was upbeat and really well sung. My worry for Lakisha is that she will go home fairly soon because she simply cannot outsing Melinda. She’s good. Very good. But I worry that by comparison she might just lose out.

Chris S:

Song: “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”

* This was the first Police song sung of the night and I was excited that Chris was going to sing it. I’m not sure what happened. This, very honestly, was not a good night for him. I think the song was a good choice for the type of voice he has but he keeps having issues keeping with the tempo. This week, he seemed very confused and flustered and sometimes out of breath because he was starting parts of the song early and then was having to hold notes to try to catch up to the music. He really seemed disoriented and the109 thinks something is going on with him because he is usually quite good. I feel bad for him but he took the judges critizism very well. I think he really needs to worry this week.

Gina G:

Song: “I’ll stand by you”

*This was a great performance by Gina. I think she picked the perfect song for herself and did a wonderful job. There’s not much else to say about it other than it was good and I think we’ll be seeing her again next week.

Sanjaya:

Song: “Bath Water”

* Sigh. This is getting ridiculous.
Last night, Sanjaya had the audacity to come out on stage with 7 ponytails all lined up on top of his head to make it look like he had a mohawk. The ponytails were all teased and poofed up and he took great joy in bouncing them back and forth. He has def decided that he is some kind of rocker and it just doesn’t work. As for the singing portion of this freakshow, he started out very weak, forgot the words and then did okay by the end. Except that he is Sanjaya and he drives me crazy. Sanjaya and his family live about 20 minutes from me and I have the urge to go over there and beg someone to do something about this. I might say, “Please! Get your freaky ass kid off the show!” As much as I’d like to, I won’t. I am just really hoping that he stops wasting space for the good singers.

I can’t believe the mohawk. Arghhh!

Haley:

Song: “True Colors”

*Haley had a very good week last week and I was really hoping that she would continue to improve. Last night, she failed to do that by singing the sappiest, most boring song on the planet. It was really weird. This girl can sing but she picks some horrible songs. I can’t help but wonder if she is locked in her house having no clue what is popular in the world today. Really. I don’t know what happened, but I think this will be the week that we say goodbye to her.

Phil:

Song: “Every Breath You Take “

*The second Police song of the night. And I’m pissed. Typically, I like Phil a lot, but last night he did what is one of my biggest pet peeves with singers: He imitated Sting. And it was very frustrating for me. Had you shut your eyes and listened, you would have thought Sting was singing this. He even used a british accent on many words. To top it off, everyone loved it including the judges. I understand that most people were very comfortable with Phil’s performance. I can understand why everyone thought it was good. It was good because when Sting sings it, it is a great song and as Phil completely impersonated Sting during this performance, it sounded good and I’m sure everyone was very comfortable with hearing an almost identical rendition. I was not. Two notes into the song I look at Dean in disbelief. We are both thinking the same thing and fully expecting the judges to comment on this as well. Nope. They loved it. Whatever.

Melinda:

Song: “Heaven Knows”

* Melinda is flawless. Not one note sung incorrectly. She is waaaaay too good for this competition and even Gwen Stefani said so. I also think I have figured out why Melinda seems so surprised during the judges critiques of her performances. I assume that after years as a backup singer, her mind has to be blown. She’s probably sitting there saying to herself, “I can’t believe I wasted all those years standing behind a mic stand when it’s suddenly becoming obvious to me that I had no business there.” And Fuck no, you don’t, Melinda!!! Who in the hell were you singing backup for? I can’t imagine that it was for someone BETTER than she is! This woman is a phenom and could perfectly sing the words off a cereal box. My only complaint last night was her clothing, which I think made her look chubbier than she is. But when you can sing like she can, who gives a shit what she’s wearing? She could have sported Sanjaya’s mohawk and no one would have cared and it is because you get drawn into her music. This woman is a full package. She knows how to work the stage and how to connect with what she’s singing. She is flawless.

Blake:

Song: “Love Song”

*Blake is also a local boy from Seattle and I am seriously considering inviting him to a threesome with Dean and I after this whole Idol thing is done. I love him. Blake has a lovely singing voice. He is very much the same style as Chris Martin of Coldplay and Adam Levine of Maroon 5. This week, he did a very smooth and subtle song and it was sung beautifully. I am hoping that soon, we can all see Blake open up and belt something out, perhaps an Incubus song or something else that will show us some power. I think he is definitly the front runner for the guys and I look forward to seeing him perform every week. I just wish he’d do it naked once or twice.

Jordin:

Song: “Hey, Baby, Hey “

* Jordin is coming a long way. This was a good song for her but I think the musical arrangement maybe sucked a bit. Her mic was turned up too loud and you couldn’t hear much of the background music. As for her singing, she did a great job and I think we’ll be seeing her again.

Chris R:

Song: “Don’t Speak”

*Let me just say here that Gwen Stefani totally insulted Chris during their session when she stated that he is “one of those singers who thinks he’s in the musical olympics.”

Ouch. Someone didn’t want to hear a guy do her song better than she did which is EXACTLY what Chris did last night. I must admit, at first I was nervous but he really did a good job. I enjoyed very much the way he changed it up a bit and also how he kept it “Chris”. He elabortaes a lot on his songs by doing a lot of runs, but the guy can do them and it’s just his style so why not? Chris is a very hyperactive performer. He tends to come off as a little anxious or like he wants to spazz out on the stage. It’s honestly just how he is but it’s funny. He’s not the best singer this season, but he’s great anyhow and keeps it real for himself without taking anything too far off. I like him a lot and he gets a slot in my top three’s this week.

Predictions:

Top Three-

Gina Glocksen
Melinda Doolittle
Chris Richardson

Bottom Three-

Haley Scarnato
Chris Sligh
Sanjaya Malakar

Going Home-

Haley Scarnato